Not the typical nightmares of falling to my death and those sorts, but I’ve been having nightmares of a particular person.

My own sobbing voice rang in my head as I recalled the dream repeating over and over again: “No! It’s not…Hic— It’s not supposed to be this way…!”

It has been happening way too frequently where I’d wake up panting and sweating, and some days I’d feel dry tears on my cheeks. 

Even the mere thought of it made my chest tighten.

“You’ve been getting nightmares almost… everyday now?”

I was sitting in front of my psychiatrist whom I had been visiting ever since the appearance of my nightmares.

“Yes,” I replied, raising my glasses as I shifted in my seat.

“That’s strange… Usually these would stop after conducting relaxation before sleep. You were doing fine just a few days ago,” she murmured to herself. 

“You’ve been doing the meditations I asked you to do, right?”

“Yes, for the past week, Miss. But it started coming back again, more frequently.”

She crossed her arms, seemingly deep in thought. “Has anything been bothering you lately? Like, do you constantly feel afraid or anxious?”

I was in deep thought for a moment. 

Despite being unsure how to explain it, I replied: “Everytime I arrive home,” I paused, “there always seemed to be an empty feeling inside me.”

She nodded, and I continued: “And on some occasions, I get reminded of the past too. But… I always notice this empty portion in my memories… Like it had been cut short and erased.”

“It fills me with nostalgia, but it also bothers me,” I added, “because something tells me that those missing pieces in my memories were important.”

The psychiatrist shifted in her seat, looking at me with an expression I couldn’t comprehend. “Have you, perhaps… Lost a relative or a loved one recently?”

“...No?”

“Try to remember. Was there anything unusual after the blank space in your memory? Maybe that’s the reason why you feel empty,” she continued, “because you mentioned you just feel it every time you arrive in your home, so there must be some deja vu situation that you cannot remember.”

I thought for a while. 

“Ah… Someone did in fact live with me before, but they moved abroad, I think?” I replied.

“Hm… Are you sure about that?”

I raised a brow at her remark. Yet I answered hesitantly: “Yes, why’s that?”

“The most valid conjecture I can come up with is that you have repressed memories. These happen when a trauma is too severe to be kept inside your memories,” she explained. “These ‘empty portions’ in your memories are most likely repressed by your brain because it gives you grave mental pain when you think about it.”

“...Huh?” I raised my glasses. Repressed memories? “What does that have to do with what I said?” I knitted my brows, crossing my arms.

“I’ll assume your brain inserts an ‘assumption’ in that empty portion of your memories. It can’t be completely empty, so it is replaced by a scenario that never happened or is completely different to what exactly happened at that time.”

I looked at her. “Are you saying that there was someone close to me who died, and I just couldn’t remember because of… Some brain issue?”

“That may be the case, however,” she paused, “I can’t say anything because it’s your memories. If you want to find out the truth about it, then you can search your past. However, I do not recommend it. As I said, this memory gives you great stress mentally.”

I stayed silent.

“...Moving on, it may be somewhat related to your nightmares,” she stated.

I tilted my head. “It is?”

“It’s most likely that the nightmares you’re having were reenactments of what happened in that missing portion of your memories,” she sighed. “But then again, if you want the truth, it’s all within yourself.”