“I wish it would hurry”

Nircoel’s words turned in my head later that evening.

What was he so impatient for?

Why did he look so distant?

Almost as if he had given up on the words he was saying.

“Ugh, I’m reading too much into this,” I groaned, rolling onto my side.

Lately, my thoughts had divided into two camps: thinking about the case, or thinking about Nircoel.

Previously, it had just been the first.

~.~

The rest of the month went by fairly quickly, neither Nircoel or I receiving any word from Khlo and Detective Willis…and Nircoel refused to leave the house unless we needed groceries. We continued to grow accustomed to each other’s presence, and those strange feelings dissipated once more.

~.~

“Why don’t we go out today?” Nircoel suggested as we were watching tv a few days before the meeting.

I looked at him in shock. “Go out?”

He laughed awkwardly, tucking his wild brown hair behind his ear. “You seem antsy, and…I don’t want to be the one keeping you trapped.” The sentence was laced with regret.

Smiling, I took advantage of this opportunity to get Nircoel out the house. “Where should we go?”

“Why don’t we walk the trail again?” he asked excitedly. “We don’t have to go anywhere, just be there. Maybe we could wander off the path, heading toward the ocean.”

I leaned closer to him. “You’ve thought about this a lot,” I teased.

Face flushing slightly, he didn’t deny it. “You’re…my best friend. I want to do things with you.”

My heart skipped a beat at these words, but in a good way. He’d called me his best friend, and I’d thought of him the same way.

Yet part of me felt like a disgusting idiot for having phases of feelings for him, truly convincing me that my body didn’t know how to react to a close friend. Khlo had always been a good friend, there for me whenever I needed her, but a line she knew not to cross had always existed. 

“Esi…everything alright?”

“Ah, yeah,” I said with a sheepish chuckle. “Why don’t we go for that walk?”

He agreed, though looking slightly concerned as he did.

~.~

The sun had begun to set, and we decided to choose a good spot in the meadow to watch.

“Esi?” Nircoel asked, hand resting on mine.

“What’s up, Nir?” I turned to meet his eyes.

“Have you ever dated anyone?”

“No? Where’s all this coming from?”

Instead of answering, he asked, “Have you ever…had feelings for anyone?”

“Yes,” I admitted. “But I shouldn’t have. You could say my mind was tricking me.”

“Mm…” was all he said.

“What about you?” I asked, part of me not wanting to know the answer. “Have you ever had feelings for someone?”

“Yeah, and I still do, but they’ll never reciprocate. Plus,” he said with a laugh, “I’m too chicken to confess.”

It’s just enough being close to you.

Where…had that thought come from?

It was definitely mine, but wasn’t I over it?

I couldn’t possibly be going through this.

Why had it taken me so long to figure out? I truly was an idiot. 

I hadn’t given up my feelings for Nircoel. I just buried them.

And to realize this after he told me he had feelings for someone…

I was going through an excruciating pain I didn’t know existed.

Standing, I said, “Nir, let’s head home. I’m really tired.”

I wanted to lock myself in my room until the day of the meeting.

Impossible, sure. But I wanted to.

“Are you okay?” he asked worriedly, scrambling to his feet.

No, I’m not! Don’t…don’t talk to me like that…don’t look at me like that… “I’m fine, Nir. Going out has made the pre-meeting adrenaline rush wear off.” I chuckled.

I hated to lie -- to him of all people -- but I had some things I needed to think through.

I had to come to terms with myself.

~.~

Back home, Nircoel put on dinner while I went up to my room and faced the truth.

I didn’t want to feel this and find out later that I only liked him that way because he was the first close friend I had. I also lived my whole life believing I was straight, and holding onto that truth for a number of reasons, the biggest one being my past.

I shook my head, not wanting to get into that.

I would have lived perfectly fine not being romantically interested in anyone. After all, I had spent twenty years doing it. I couldn’t tell Nircoel and risk losing his friendship in the hope of being able to work out my feelings with him.

Irrational, but what even was rational anymore?

~.~

So over the three days until the meeting, I acted quite irrationally.

I stayed in my room under the pretense of preparing for the meeting, only joining Nircoel for meals. Everytime, I could see the worry in his eyes.

But as irrational as I was, I couldn’t bear to make him hate me in an effort to distance myself.

Then the day came for the meeting.

Detective Willis came to our house, offering to drive there. I sat in the passenger seat while Nircoel sat in the back. I talked normally with him, but there was no way I could see his face and be okay. Hearing his voice alone nearly drove me crazy.

~.~

At the Sin Deckate’s base, I was stunned to find out that Amaryllis and Robert Malighny were identical twins. 

But of course, the excitement pumping through my veins shoved all secondary thoughts to the back of my mind, leaving me lasered onto the case.