Kit’s POV

Work was a pain in my ass but at least it paid well.

I stared down at the check in my hand with a smile. I had earned every penny of this and it felt nice to know that I had done something good for once.

I was proud of myself for the hard work I had put in and now I had the money to prove it to myself even more so.

“What’s got you so happy over there,” Nathan teased with a smirk. “Lover boy send you a letter back or something?” I frowned at the reminder.

“No, this is just my check. I haven’t heard from Roland since Call Day.” The first few days I had just assumed it hadn’t gotten to him yet but after the third day, I called Mary to see if he had picked them up yet and he had but I never got anything back in return.

“Damn,” Anthony said with a frown. “He’s not ghosting you already is he?”

“He better not be,” I scoffed. “I’ll walk to that damn camp and jump the fence if I have to.”

“Yeah,” Cody said with a sideways glance. “Because that’s not stalker-ish at all.”

“He probably just got busy,” Nathan soothed. “You know, making friends and enjoying summer and such. You’ll talk to him in a few days anyway.” That didn’t make me feel better. Roland wasn’t one to make friends and ‘such’. 

“Just don’t smother him,” Anthony said. “No one likes a cling bitch.”

“I do,” Cody said with a shrug.

“That’s because you have abandonment issues,” Anthony waved off and Cody frowned, mumbling something about Anthony just being a bitch in general.

“It’s probably nothing,” I said mostly to myself. “He just got caught up with the car of the week or something.”

“Exactly,” Nathan said with a smile I would never get tired of seeing. “Try not to stress about it too much. You can always check in on Call Day and make sure nothing is going on but worrying about it now will just get you down and we’re supposed to be happy now. No take-backs on that.”

I smiled at him but I could tell it didn’t reach my eyes. He sighed and stood up.

“Come on, get up. We’re going somewhere or this place will just start getting depressing.”

“Where are we going to go,” Anthony asked. “In case you haven’t noticed it’s literally two in the morning.”

“Skatepark,” Nathan asked me with a knowing smirk. 

“Skatepark,” I asked as I stood up.

“I’m going to sit this one out,” Anthony said with a yawn. “I have work in the morning and there’s no telling when you’ll be ready to head back.”

“Cody?”

“I’m staying too. I don’t want to keep getting laughed at every time I fall,” he said with a glare.

“Suit yourself,” Nathan said with a shrug before picking up his board and heading to the door. I followed after him like a lost puppy and before long we were riding down the empty sidewalk.

The ride to the park alone had been enough to get those thoughts out of my head and my shoulders relaxed as I saw the familiar ramps coming into view. I was going to have to remember to thank Mary and Andrew again for the board the next time I got a chance to talk to them. 

“So what are you thinking,” Nathan asked as he stopped at the entrance to the park. “Halfpipe or pool?”

“Halfpipe,” I said before heading in that direction.

I could feel my heart beating out of my chest as I approached the wall. It felt freeing to be this high in the air with nothing but the board below you to hang onto. My hair whipped around me as I fell and a laugh tore out of me as I landed and began skating up the other side, grabbing the ledge and hanging there for a second before letting go and setting my sights on the other side of the pipe. This is what life was meant to be. This kind of freedom was breathtaking and I hated that one too many stupid decisions kept me away from it for as long as it did. 

We skated for what felt like hours when a group of teenagers walked into the park, with no boards in sight, and headed to the pool Nathan was in. It was weird but I paid them no mind as I continued.

Seconds later Nathan was at my side, tugging my arm and pulling me to the exit.

“Come on, it’s getting late. We can come back tomorrow,” he said in a voice that was too tight and clipped to be anything but alarming. 

“What’s going on?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said with a shake of his head and kept pulling me. 

“Well, now I am worried about it,” I said as I pulled my arm back. “Did those guys do something to you?”

“No.”

“Then what’s going on? I was having fun.”

Nathan didn’t get a chance to say anything when the smell hit my nose.

Before I could stop myself I breathed in deeply. The smell of weed filled every part of my body as I involuntarily remembered what it felt like to have it coursing through my veins.

Most of my brain was going off in alarm bells. The part of me that worked hard to get through rebab, the part that had a boyfriend who I promised to stay clean for, the part of me that had helped so many people through their own program. But another, small part of me wanted to go make some new friends. 

It was saying you don’t have to smoke. You can just talk to them. You can just smell it. Smelling it doesn’t even count as a relapse and I trust you enough to not take a hit. Go on. Go make new friends.

It sang to me like a siren song and I gripped Nathan’s arm harshly.

“Get me out of here. Please.” He didn’t try to rub it in my face as he wrapped an arm around me and began walking.

The stench stayed in my nose the entire walk home and I hated it. I hated that part of me that I thought I had tamed was beating wildly in my chest, begging me to go back and just get another fresh smell of it. I hated that I didn’t listen to Nathan without question. I hated that I didn’t think about the kind of people who hung out at a skatepark at three in the morning. 

“How are you doing,” Nathan asked hesitantly as he ushered me into the door. I was pulling off my clothes the second my board was out of my hands. It smelled like weed and I wanted nothing more than to shove my face into it and never come up for fresh air. I chucked the shirt into the hamper and closed the lid.

“Not good,” I admitted as I clenched my fists at my side. I could feel my throat closing up as tears began to build in my eyes. “God I forgot what that smelled like,” I said as I sat down on the couch stiffly, putting my hands in my hair. “Why does it have to fucking smell like that?”

“I wish I knew man,” Nathan said with a low sigh as he sat down beside me. “But I’ll let you know if I figure it out. I can only assume it smelled as good to you as whiskey would smell to me right now and I hate that for you but you did good. I’m proud of you. Don’t spiral over this. This was nothing.”

“It wasn’t nothing,” I said, letting the tears fall. “I go through a year of rehab and a year of camp and one fucking smell of that shit makes me want to waste all of that. If you hadn’t been there,” I choked on a sob.

“But I was there,” Nathan said gently, his hands gently untangling mine from my hair before playing with it lightly. “That’s why we never go alone yeah? Once an addict, always an addict; you know that. It’s hard. It’s always going to be hard but we have each other to keep ourselves accountable. We’re going to be okay.”

My arms wrapped around my friend as I sobbed into his shirt. He held me there like I was the most priceless thing in the world, whispering sweet nothings and playing in my hair. Roland flashed in my head and I hated that I wasn’t as stable as I had been only a few hours ago. 

Nathan held me until my sobs turned into hiccups. He pulled away and smiled down at me, wiping away the few tears still running down my face.

“I’m proud of you,” he said to me and I could hear the pride in his voice. 

“For fucking what,” I asked as I wiped my face. “For crying like a baby because I smelled something that wasn’t even my main problem before rehab? Yeah, that’s really something to be proud of!”

“No you dumbass,” he said with a light chuckle. “You asked for help. You smelled it and I could see it in your eyes that you wanted to go over there but you didn’t. You couldn’t walk away on your own but you didn’t try to go over there either. You asked for help walking away and I’m not sure I could have done the same. I’m incredibly proud of you man. You should be proud.”

I felt like a failure and I didn’t need to say it out loud for Nathan to understand. 

“Fine,” he said, his voice still dripping in pride and his eyes still soft and kind. “I’ll be proud enough for both of us.” I laughed wetly as I pushed him away.

“Note to self, the stoners come out at three in the morning,” I said with a light chuckle. 

“We’ll be more careful next time,” Nathan said as he ruffled my hair. “For now it’s been a long day and we need to sleep. Can I trust you to sleep alone tonight without hating yourself?”

I didn’t bother lying.

“No,” I said with a sigh.

“Then I’ll grab my pillow. Meet in your bed in ten.”

Sleeping with Nathan had always been nice. His arms were strong as they wrapped around me and he always seemed to run hot even in the cold apartment.

I had a crush on him back before I knew he was straight and even a little after finding out he was but now that we were here, in the same position we had been in countless times, I couldn’t help but wish Roland was in his place instead.

He wouldn’t have had the words Nathan had and he would never understand what it would be like to spiral over something as simple as a smell but just the fact that I would be able to see him would be enough to make this shitty ending to a day a little bit better.

“Stop thinking about it,” Nathan mumbled into my ear, his voice slurred with sleep that he was so close to.

“Trying to,” I said with a sigh, nowhere near as close to sleep as he was.

“Try harder. Tell me about Roland. Get your mind off the negative.”

Nathan was asleep before I even got through the first story but I continued to speak out loud until I could no longer keep my eyes open.

I dreamed of Roland that night and it was a nightmare when I woke up with the wrong pair of arms wrapped around me.