(CW: Violence.) 

Dim red lighting, clinking of glass bottles, and the smell of citrus and bourbon. There was quiet chattering behind me but I barely registered the fact that there were other people in the room. I gently swung the leg that crossed over the other as I gazed at the man behind the bar counter. The light that reflected through the bottles behind him illuminated his lilac hair, reminding me of a soft field of lavender.

I couldn't count how many times I had imagined running my fingers through his lush hair and looking into his butterscotch eyes while we smiled lovingly at each other. How I had ached to brush our lips together and taste the sweetness of first love.

"You're staring again." His voice was just as handsome as the rest of him, a deepness that was just right. He wiped a glass clean with a pure white cloth.

"I know," I smiled.

"Shouldn't you head home? We're closing soon. A student shouldn't be out this late."

"It's not like anyone will notice I'm gone."

His hands paused at my words. "Still, it can be dangerous late at night."

I sighed and pushed away from the bar. "Fine, you'll keep nagging me if I don't go."

"Get home safe, Narihira." His tender smile caused butterflies to stir inside me.

"I will! You get home safe too! Bye!" I waved and ran out the door before my feelings became too much that they exploded out of my chest.

I walked down the quiet streets, turning corners to find home. The house I walked up to was an average family home, three bedrooms and two baths, with no lights on. The house felt colder than the outdoors when I swung the door open. I stood in the entryway for a moment, the darkness feeling empty. No sound was heard in the midst of that darkness. My parents weren't home as usual.

They rarely came home because they were truck drivers delivering goods across the country. They had at least sent me enough money every month to take care of the house and my personal expenses. Yet when I think about how they were rarely there even in my childhood, I have to wonder why they even decided to have a child if they couldn't ever part from their work.

I didn't bother turning on any lights as I entered farther into the house. I stopped by the kitchen to grab a midnight snack before heading upstairs to lie down for bed. I thought about that bar and him to avoid thinking about the quiet house and my absent parents.

It was summer break and I had summer homework I had been putting off. I killed time cleaning the house, buying groceries, and other knick-knacks for entertainment with the leftover money. When the bar opened, I spent the rest of my time there. I interacted with my crush and the other patrons. Everyone was so very friendly. It felt more like home there than my own house. I wanted to live there. I wanted to stay there forever. I wanted to stay with him...

I had met him a few months prior as I was bored wandering around town after school, trying to find anything else to do except go home. He caught my eye as he was tidying up the entrance of the bar he worked at. Apparently his parents owned it and he was helping out by working there mixing drinks. He welcomed me inside with a lovely smile and we chatted for a long time. By the time it started to get dark and other customers were entering, he told me to go home since this was no place for minors at night.

While I did as I was told, I visited him often after school. And my visits went deeper and deeper into the night until he could do nothing but allow me to stay. He kept the alcohol away from me but served me water and juice. I didn't care to drink, I was just there for company and him. My feelings grew more and more every day that I saw him and talked with him. He always smiled so sweetly at me, how could I not fall for him?

The more my feelings grew, so did the desire to confess. I couldn't wait until I was eighteen and closer to his age like I had first planned, I had to tell him how I felt and hoped he would wait for me. A few days before summer vacation ended, I waited for him outside the bar while he was closing up. He was surprised to see me.

"Narihira? What are you doing here? I thought you went home."

"I can't go home until I tell you something," I said, feeling nervous. My palms began to sweat.

"What did you want to tell me?"

My heart was thumping out of my chest and my face burned. I tried to take a deep breath to calm down. I had to tell him. I couldn't deal with these feelings on my own anymore. I had to make them known and I hoped I could finally have his heart. Because he already had mine...

"I...I like you! Please go out with me!"

He stared at me while I stared back, anxiously waiting for his answer. He was quiet for a long moment and I was worried I had just ruined everything. But then he stepped closer, closing the distance between us. He gently touched my cheek, my eyes going wide.

In a soothingly low voice, he spoke. "Really? You like someone like me?"

"Y...Yes! Yes, I do!"

His face was inches from mine. He slowly closed the distance and I shut my eyes. That's when our lips brushed together and sparks went off inside my brain. It was such a magical moment. Summer was now ending but it still felt warm, the stars glittered in the sky overhead, and the crush I'd liked for months was finally kissing me like I had always wanted. As we opened our mouths and kissed each other deeper, we held onto each other with our arms. I never wanted this moment to stop.

Just as I had thought that, the moment stopped much sooner and more abruptly than I expected. He pushed me away from him and covered his mouth with his hand. We stared at each other for a moment, his eyes wide. I was distracted by the warmth I still felt on my lips.

"No..." he suddenly said. A cool breeze took that warmth away. "No, I can't... I'm sorry..."

"H...Huh? Why not?" I stammered out.

"I just can't... You're too young... You're a boy of all things... And I'm not the person you think I am."

My mind spun, utterly confused by his words. "But..."

"Goodbye, Narihira." He quickly turned away and walked down the street as fast as he could.

I was frozen in place, watching his back get smaller and smaller until he turned a corner and vanished from sight. Goodbye? What does that mean? Why did he kiss me if he was going to say all that?

I couldn't move for a long time. It was until an icy chill in the air made me shiver that I realized I should go home. I could talk to him tomorrow. We could sort this out. Why did he kiss me if he didn't return my feelings? That's right, everything would be fine. He'd give me his tender smile as usual and we could be in love forever. The bar and the person mixing drinks inside would always be my loving home.

I never saw him again after that night. When I went to the bar in the afternoon, it was closed. And it was still closed the day after that. And the day after that and the day after that. I waited hours in the afternoon and evening, waiting for him to arrive.

When I checked again one day, the sign for the bar was being removed. The men there said the place had been shut down. The owners moved out of the country and claimed they would never be back again. I realized my home was destroyed and I would never see my first love ever again.

My heart ached and ached and I cried every night in my desolate house. I yearned for the comfort of the bar again. I yearned for the one who stole my heart and first kiss. But I knew I'd be getting none of it back.

When my last year of high school began, I felt jaded and upset. I closed myself off to other people. I grew my hair out in an attempt to rebel and go against the grain. Yet with my change in attitude and growing my silver hair out, I realized I got more attention from other people now than I wanted. People would stare and try to talk to me more often while I wanted nothing to do with them. Some would even randomly profess their love for me, men or women, while I barely knew they existed before then.

It made me wonder if I grew my hair out sooner, that my first love wouldn't have left me like that. Maybe if I was more attractive like I seem to be now, maybe he would have liked me better. Maybe he wouldn't have left so quickly after our kiss. Maybe he wouldn't have said such weird confusing things. Maybe he would have still been here.

I felt I had to keep up with my appearance if there was a chance I'd see him again. If I made myself more beautiful now, then there's no way he'd run away a second time. There's no way he'd abandon me again.

I still yearned for him while I looked at my appearance in the mirror and brushed my long hair. I applied light makeup to accentuate my natural features. I felt like I was looking more and more like a girl with each passing day. But maybe if I was a girl, he would like me better... Maybe he would fall in love at first sight just like I did.

One day, a transfer student arrived at an odd time in the year. The moment I saw him, all I could think was that he looked like a gangster. He had a hard look about him, with buzzed green hair, muscles that barely fit inside the school uniform, and a face set into an eternal scowl. Despite the scary look, he was quite handsome.

The familiar feeling of butterflies inside me surprised me. I didn't know if I could fall for anyone else after the tragedy of my first love, but there was something about Anzai Imamura that piqued my interest.

The school had a few other rough students who went around with each other like their own gang. The teachers often turned a blind eye to their attitudes, not thinking it was worth their time to get involved. The supposed gang would try to keep other students in their place and would only hurt others or act out if they felt their place at the top of the food chain was in danger. They mainly just intimidated and threatened other students without actually doing anything to them.

When Anzai appeared with a far more intimidating aura than theirs, I could tell they felt threatened by his presence. I was worried they'd go too far and hurt him to prove their place at the top. One of their members had been a threat to them in the past until they beat him into his place. Now he was just another one of their lackeys. I didn't want my new crush to go through that and get hurt because of other peoples' low self-esteem issues.

While keeping my eye on Anzai, I could tell he was different from those rough students. He only looked a bit scary while his actions were the complete opposite. He showed up to every class on time, he faithfully listened to lectures and did his homework, and he barely spoke a word to anyone unless it was unavoidable. But those bullies felt threatened by him regardless. I heard students gossiping about how those bullies were scheming to take Anzai down.

I happened to hear from gossiping students again that Anzai had been called out to meet the bullies behind the school when school hours ended. I was unaware of it until that point and felt the need to rush behind the school to stop them. But when I saw they were all already there, I froze up in fear because of their intimidating presences. I had no choice but to watch from behind a wall and hope Anzai could escape this unscathed.

"Do you know why you're here?" The students asked Anzai, all three of them big and tall, but not much taller than Anzai himself.

He was silent and didn't even blink.

"It's because of this behavior! This is why you're here! We're supposed to be the most feared men in the school but you act like we don't exist! On top of that, you keep acting like a dutiful student. Everyone is putting their guard down because of you!"

Anzai was still quiet. He looked away as if this whole situation was boring him.

"That's it, we'll knock you down a peg and make sure everyone cowers before us again!"

It all happened so fast, I couldn't believe my eyes. The first guy extended his arm to punch Anzai, but he dodged and sucker punched the guy right in the nose. I swear I heard a bone crack. Not realizing the danger, the other two were already moving in sync to shower him with their own blows. The first guy fell, making room for Anzai to parry and deliver decisive blows to the other two's abdomens.

All three men lie on the ground groaning, the first guy's nose bleeding. Anzai shook out the hand that had defeated all of them. I stared in awe at the scene, the butterflies inside me feeling like a hurricane. I never even felt this strongly about my first love. I felt I had to make that man mine.

When our eyes met, a shiver of danger went down my spine. I tried to flee instinctually, but he was upon me before I knew it. He grabbed my collar and shoved his face into mine. I could feel his hot breath on me. My mouth wriggled into a smirk made from fear and attraction, distracted by the fact our lips were so close they could touch.

"Never say a word about this, got it?" His voice was deeper than my first love's and stirred up the butterflies even more. I felt like putty in his grip.