“During the first year of high school,” Lily finally continued, “I almost broke one kid’s nose when a group of them decided they wanted to bully me. I am not sure what I would have done if I had not learned how to throw a punch, but it was still not good. That kept them away from me from then on, but it also got me in trouble with the school. They didn’t know about my martial arts training, since I never talked to anyone there, and the Reynoldses apparently kept quiet about it, too; probably because I told them the kids had been bullying me. If the school had found out... well, I think I would have got in trouble with the clubs too. It still made me feel bad regardless.”

 “I kept training and even had a little punching bag out in the yard at home when the weather allowed. I also started doing a lot of extra cardio and callisthenics on my own. I got pretty obsessed with that side of things, too. Shortly after I turned thirteen, the kickboxing club approached me about going to tournaments.” She leaned back against the sofa, facing the ceiling but with unfocused eyes. “I ended up doing it, despite declining at first. I did very well, too. Then I eventually ended up trying jiu-jitsu competitions, too. The fights in jiu-jitsu are very different. Rather than just punching and kicking, which are not allowed, it has grappling, wrestling, holds and locks, throws... it is more close-up and, in a way, personal. Intense. I soon ended up at a bigger regional event. For the ‘challenge’, as the coach put it. But that turned out to be just what I did not need.” She sighed deeply and leaned forward to bury her face in her hands, her long hair fanning around her.

 “I was already getting angry at my opponents in the early rounds. Something about the constant high tension and strenuousness of grappling gets to me, all the more so the better the opponent and therefore the more even the match. I made it to the semifinals, where I faced a particularly good opponent. I believe she was a year or two older than me, but we were in the same weight class.”

 “Wait. Sorry for interrupting, but how old were you by then?” Amelia had a hard time keeping up with the timeline.

 “Oh. Right.” Lily straightened up again. “I was fifteen at the time. I already had quite long hair back then, which didn’t really matter for kickboxing, but it could be troublesome for jiu-jitsu. You are not allowed to pull someone’s hair, of course, but in that match… I had braided my hair like many other girls do for jiu-jitsu, but as the match went on, it gradually came loose. Then, in a particularly long ground grapple, it somehow got tangled between us so that suddenly it was like it really was being pulled, hard. It hurt. And though on its own it wasn’t that bad, it made me so mad for some reason, on top of the stress of the match.” She took another pause, and Amelia could tell she was feeling really troubled.

 “It was as if I forgot it was just a match, and not… well, ‘real.’ I managed to throw her off, and she landed pretty hard. I jumped up and was almost about to stomp her while she was still down, out of pure anger. I saw her flinch and look terrified as she noticed me coming, and somehow, I managed to stop. I just had to get out of there. So, without a word, I ran off. That forfeited the match by default. Not that I was in any kind of state to continue. It was the first time I lost an official match, but more importantly, it felt like I almost lost myself. Even now, I do not fully understand why it got to me that badly. It made no sense.” She seemed to almost deflate and went silent.

 Amelia looked thoughtful as well, trying to absorb the lengthy story, and poured herself more juice. After taking a sip, she poked her friend’s shoulder.

 “But you didn’t ‘lose yourself.’ You stopped. That’s the important part, isn’t it?”

 “Perhaps. But who knows what might have happened next time? I never went to jiu-jitsu again, though. Not even regular practice sessions. Our club coach came after me. I was upset enough that I do not even recall what I said to him, but he seemed to understand the situation and did not admonish me or pressure me to continue. I just could not risk that I would end up doing something like that again. I even had nightmares about it.”

 “Not too surprising, I guess. You always were a worrywart. But so was I, I suppose. Still am.” Amelia nursed her glass for a moment in silence. She also knew that her friend could be short-tempered at times, even if she came across as calm or even timid most of the time. Such a thing could surely factor into something like this. “I exercise regularly, but I’ve never really competed outside a few track and field events that were mandatory at school, so I can’t say I understand much about that, especially with something as intense as fighting. It does seem like something that could easily get one’s emotions going, though. You’re still obviously into martial arts either way, though. So, it’s been what, five years since then?”

 “Yes. I focused on kickboxing after that. After a six-month break, I participated in a few more competitions, but somehow it no longer felt the same there either, even though I was not having any notable... temper issues. I just felt stressed. Since then, I have not gone as frequently. It has been… the last competition I went to was just before I moved here. I usually train by myself at home now. Though part of it is also that it takes so long to drive to the kickboxing gym and back. Either way, it is hard to keep up with the others now since I am an adult and especially since my training is far less… well, obsessive. And you need to fight actual opponents to train properly, which I haven’t been doing.”

 “You know... you said you got too into martial arts.” Amelia contemplated for a moment. “But even after all that, I’m not sure why you think that. You had problems with your temper, but it seems to me that it can be a problem with pretty much anything. To pick a dangerous example, something like road rage.” She almost shuddered – she’d had a few close calls with those types back in the States.

 “Perhaps. It is hard to put into words. In the end, I think it is because I was so into it… so obsessed… that it also felt so bad when things went wrong, including regretting punching that kid. I think feeling bad is normal, but I think that level of anger is not. I think that I probably got too angry in part due to being too into it, too unwilling to lose, with not enough self-control. After all that, on one hand, I am still into it, but on the other, whenever I do something related to it, I am constantly reminded of what happened and could have happened.”

 “I can see how you’d feel that way, I guess. But that, too, could be the case with just about anything, not just martial arts.”

 “I know... but...” Lily clenched her hands in frustration. “It does not really have to make sense for me to feel it. I cannot help it. Martial arts were the one thing I felt competitive about, which I think probably made the difference. But beyond the anger, it is not the only thing I have such irrational feelings about.” She turned to look at Amelia. Her eyes, for once, did not flinch from her friend’s. It was a piercing gaze. “For example. You. When you were... taken away. I felt like if I had just been there instead of sick, maybe I could have done something to stop it.”

 “But...” Amelia started, but Lily shook her head vigorously, enough to send her unbound hair flying in waves.

 “I know! I could not have done anything other than perhaps say goodbye. Even that would have been better than how it happened. But that is beside the point. Even though I know it would not have changed anything, I cannot stop feeling that way.”

 “When you put it that way, does it mean me being here now is also such a painful, terrible reminder to you of what could have been?” As soon as she said it out loud, she knew she shouldn’t have. Her friend suddenly looked as pale as a ghost.

 “That... I mean...” After all that she’d been saying for the past several minutes, which had felt more like an eternity given how unused she was to talking so much, Lily was at an abrupt loss for words. She really had not meant it like that, though technically it wasn’t entirely incorrect either. The last thing she wanted was for Amelia to think she saw her as something negative. What she wanted to convey, and the words needed to do so, tripped over each other in her head into a complete mess, making her unable to actually say anything at all. Meanwhile, looking at her friend’s increasing panic caused a twinge in Amelia, one of deep regret.

 “I’m an idiot. Sorry. I really shouldn’t have said that.” She reached out a hand toward her friend, but Lily, who was now staring at her own hands, instinctively flinched back and closed her eyes. Her reaction made Amelia stop for a second, but she steeled herself, shuffled closer, and pulled Lily to her. Her friend didn’t resist, but she felt tense. Amelia stroked her hair gently while embracing her. “I understand what you meant, okay? I can’t say I’ve never had such thoughts and regrets myself, so that was cruel of me to say. I’m really sorry. So much for a do-over.” She sighed deeply. “We are both such fine messes, aren’t we?” Still unable to say anything, Lily slowly wrapped her arms around her friend and desperately squeezed so hard that it was painful. But Amelia said nothing; she realised that while she had hugged Lily several times now, this was the first that her friend had hugged her back.