Emilia 

Four days. That’s how long it’s been since I told Lucas about the baby, yet the conversation feels like a lifetime ago. So much has changed in that short time, it’s hard to believe the dream-like bliss we’d found with one another ever existed. The one good thing that has come out of this nightmare is that since deciding to keep the baby, the fear and questions I had about loving this child have slowly abated and I already feel as deeply connected to it as I do to my girls.

While at peace with my decision, it’s done nothing to ease the deep sense of loss that’s carved a Lucas-sized hole inside my heart. The change between us is profound, with simple interactions—like being together in the same room—proving rather difficult. The awkwardness that sits between us like an impenetrable wall of heartache and betrayal saddens me and leaves me questioning if there’s any hope. Even if we somehow find a way, will he love me the same way he once did? Will there ever come a time when he’ll look at me with something other than pain and apprehension in his eyes?

But he is trying.

I see the determination in him as much as I feel it. It began that first day with his declaration that we’d find a way forward because he wasn’t letting me go. At first, hearing those words eased some of my anxiety, but since then, watching him struggle through his interactions with me hurts. It’s like what so easily existed between us now requires unspeakable effort on his part, and it makes me fearful that someday he’ll resent me for forcing him into a situation he doesn’t want.

As a man driven by a strong moral code and the protective instincts of a warrior, there’s no doubt in my mind he’ll ignore his desires to become the man he thinks I need. There’s a big difference between acting out of a sense of duty and acting from genuine desire. One leads to resentment, the other to contentment. My biggest fear is that he’ll wake up one day regretting his decision to stay with us, at which point it won’t just be my world that shatters when he leaves, but also that of my two little girls and this baby who doesn’t deserve the blame—even as he or she is at the center of what’s gone wrong between us.

“Are you guys finished?” I stop at the kitchen table where the girls are finishing up their lunch. Deep into a game of “I spy”, they nod their little heads and pay me no mind as I take their dishes away.

Rinsing their plates, I look out the kitchen window in time to spot Lucas and Nero. They’re walking the fence line, likely checking the cameras and sensors along the perimeter wall. With Uncle David’s arrival and Ben pulling Zeb back out into the field, Lucas’s role as our security guard has taken on an entirely new meaning. He’s using it as a distraction, a way to stay busy with the added benefit it keeps us from dealing with our problems. For the past four days, he’s isolated himself in the control room—where he spends his time monitoring the video feeds—or on endless loops walking around the property. Either way, he keeps his distance until the end of the day, finally seeking me out when we’re both too tired to do anything except fall asleep in each other’s arms.

“Sorry to interrupt…” James stops mid-stride when he sees the girls and me in the kitchen. “Luc said there were sandwiches in the fridge.”

“Sure, of course. Here I’ll get them.”

As I walk to the fridge, I hear the girls giggling as he says hello and ruffles the hair on their little heads. Just as I turn around with the tray of sandwiches in hand, my cousin Annelly comes through the door. With amusement, I watch a wistful smile form on James’s face, at the same time his eyes brighten with a look of awe. When she spots him and greets him with a shy wave, I can’t help but smile when the big guy seemingly comes apart. The flush on his cheeks mixed with his inability to form any words speaks to how smitten he is with my oblivious little cousin.

“Uh, thanks. Um, I better get these to the guys.” It’s all the tongue-tied James says before he rushes out the door.

“He likes you,” I tell her as I smile wide, almost laughing to myself.

After kissing the girl’s hello, she asks, “Who? James?” The way her brows furrow tells me everything I need to know.

“Yes, James,” I say over my shoulder as I return to loading the dishwasher.

“Uh… no way. A guy like him would never be interested in a drama geek like me.”

“You have no idea how amazing you are.” When she ignores me, I turn off the sink and then dry my hands on the hand towel before tossing it back onto the counter. “Seriously Nelly. Given how he just reacted to you, it’s obvious the guy really, really likes you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” She waves me off as she comes to stand across from me at the kitchen island. “I’m a 22-year-old virgin,” she whispers so the girls can’t hear. “My first kiss was a pretend one, on a stage with a co-star I hated, and who happens to be gay. A guy like James wouldn’t be caught dead with a girl like me. I’m plain old vanilla while he…he’s more like moose tracks with whipped cream, hot fudge, and a cherry on top.” I can’t help but laugh at her ridiculous comparison. “And even if that weren’t the case, it doesn’t matter since I saw him flirting it up with Brianna when she was here a few days ago. They were looking at one another like they couldn’t wait for the opportunity to take their clothes off.”

“Really?” Now that surprises me. Brianna is the new receptionist Ben hired, as a favor to Dominick, who has a history with her. I don’t know her story, but I find it odd that she’s caught James’s eye after being in town for less than a week. Especially since James is always here, protecting us and the house. As far as I know, the only time he’s seen her was the day Annelly is referring to, when she came here to drop off some documents Lucas needed to sign.

“Yeah…” She sighs.

“You sound disappointed?”

“I’m not. Not really. I mean… never mind. Can we please change the subject?”

Hating that I’ve made her uncomfortable, I let her off the hook. “So, when do you head back to school?”

“Three weeks.” She smiles proudly. “Classes start at the end of this month.”

“You look excited. Are you looking forward to leaving us?”

“Well, no, not excited to leave you guys, but yes,” she squeals. “That’s actually why I’m here. Remember how I got cast as an understudy for the lead role in this year’s performance? Well, I just got word the part is mine!” She bounces on the balls of her feet, her hands drawn up under her chin like Alyssa does when she’s excited. “The girl who was playing the lead shattered her leg in some freak accident, so she’ll be out and unable to perform for the rest of the year. While I hated hearing what happened to her, I’m so darn excited. This is it, Emilia. My chance to break out. I just know it.”

“Oh my gosh, Annelly. That’s amazing!” With a smile on my face, I hug her.

Though painfully shy in real life, my little cousin comes alive when she’s on stage. Her natural acting ability, in addition to her love for the Performing Arts, is what made her admittance to Julliard possible. If not for the full scholarship, the news of which came days after her father’s death, I don’t think she would have mustered the courage to leave our small town for the big city of New York. At first, we were all concerned she wouldn’t thrive there, but lo and behold, she’s doing great.

“That’s a huge deal, right?” She blushes at my question, an embarrassed smile lighting up her face as she nods. “I’m so happy for you. You’ll have to let us know when opening night is so Lucas and I…” I falter, suddenly remembering the uncertainty hanging between Lucas and me. “Uh, so we can drive over to see you.”

Shrill, happy screams from the girls get our attention, and we both turn our heads in time to see the girls jumping up and down in front of Lucas.

“Hey, Ally Mally. I missed you guys this morning.” He lifts them into his arms before dropping a sweet kiss on each of their little faces.

That’s yet another thing that changed this week. Up to four days ago, he was the one who woke up with the girls and got them ready for their day. He’d not only feed them breakfast, but he would also come to wake me every morning with a cup of coffee and a spine-tingling kiss. Since sharing news of the baby, and with Zeb returning to field work, Lucas has taken to leaving our bed at five in the morning to relieve James—who watches over us through the night. While I don’t mind caring for the girls first thing in the morning, I hate seeing how disappointed they are by this change. They miss him intensely, which worries me more, given the uncertainty surrounding our future.

“I have to talk to your mama for a second,” he tells the girls, before looking at Annelly. “Would you mind taking them to the living room and putting a movie on?”

So far, he’s looked at everyone in the room. Everyone except me, which brings tears to my eyes. Not wanting anyone to see, I turn my attention back to the dishwasher, blinking rapidly to wipe away all evidence of how badly his lack of attention is hurting me. As the girls’ voices fade away, I load the last few dishes into the dishwasher.

“I spoke to Ben. He and Hunt met with your parents this morning. Harold’s been dealt with and won’t be bothering you again.”

“That’s a relief. Please pass along my thanks.” Grateful to have found the strength to sound like I’m not falling apart, I continue the ruse, pretending I’m not affected by the awkwardness between us. Reaching under the sink, I pull out a dishwashing tablet and place it in the dispenser before shutting the door. Back at the sink, I rinse my hands, doing my best to swallow down the lump of emotion threatening to choke me. I’m so close to losing it. I just need to hold on a few minutes more and then he’ll be off. Back to the control room where he’ll continue to hide, which is when I can let the tears flow.

But then he’s there, close enough I can feel the heat of his body against my back, even as he’s not touching me. But then his hands wrap around the upper part of my arms, forcing a gasp from my lungs as I sink into the sensation of his fingers against my skin. God, I miss him so much. When a lone tear escapes, I close my eyes and try to breathe through the ache inside my chest. I can’t explain it. His touch right now is hurting me just as much as it is saving me.

“Emb…” Full of pain and emotion, he lets the nickname hang in the air.

Afraid that any small move will shatter the fragility of this moment, I stand in silence, my breathing shallow and ragged as if the weight of our problems is constricting my chest. Ever so slowly, his arms descend, before landing firmly on my hips. Like he can’t help himself, he pulls me against him, my back to his front, as his lips plant a tender kiss on the nape of my neck.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I feel like I’m screwing everything up.”

The raw anguish in his voice tugs at my heart, but I’m so consumed with my pain that I tell him, “It’s okay.” The lie leaves a bitter taste on my lips, and I force my eyes shut to hold back the emotion burning behind them. What else could I say? While none of this feels close to okay, what’s happening isn’t on him to deal with. It’s on me and it wouldn’t be fair to ask him to set his feelings aside only to make things easier on me.

“No, it’s not.” He turns me in his arms so we’re facing one another, and the instant he sees the tears in my eyes, his expression falls.

He knows I’m hurting, and I can see the regret in his eyes. It tears me up inside because that guilt and regret he’s carrying is mine alone to bear. I’m the one whose decisions turned our lives into this mess. It’s me who is carrying another man’s child, but I’m too damn lost in my desperation for him, I don’t have the strength to say the words.

“I’ll do better,” he says with conviction, even as his voice breaks. Leaning forward, he brushes his lips over mine. “I promise. Whatever it takes, I will fix this.”

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Author’s Note:

What do you think about this chapter? Are you surprised by the growing awkwardness between Emilia and Lucas?

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