Nimkii was the easiest to get along with. Initially he spoke Woodland Speak in simple sentences, but through his observations of conversations I had with my father and the bustling fish sellers in the marketplace, he could recite fragments of novels from memory. Nimkii was a voracious reader and a delightful child. Initially a terrified and reclusive boy, his heart opened to my father and I as a bubble breaching the lake’s surface. Despite being younger than me I felt as if he listened to each word I spoke and treated it with as much weight as he could muster. When I asked him how he feigned interest so convincingly, he paused for a moment and then responded, “Your problems are foreign to me, but you are not.”

His simple way of stating things as if they were facts and not opinions comforted me. It comforted my father too, who doted on him in a softer way than he did to me. I did not mind. Nimkii was a boy who deserved softness.

 Luo Yu was a separate boy, despite being attached by the hip to Nimkii. After learning of Nimkii’s kindness I understood the other boy’s fierce protection. However, understanding is one thing and appreciating is another. Luo Yu was a prickly person, in manner and speech. Upsetting him was as easy as breathing. Sometimes breathing was the very reason he was upset; I had a slight cold once that stifled my breathing. On a trip to the market, I began to wheeze as Luo Yu talked endlessly to Nimkii. When Nimkii noticed, he immediately offered some water. Luo Yu took to glaring at me as if the conversation I had interrupted took precedence over my survival. Unfortunately, this just made me laugh harder therefore hindering me even more. 

His trust lacked permanence, any wrong move against him or Nimkii and it would be gone. But when a familiar fruit seller tried to grab Nimkii’s shoulder and was met with my hand on their wrist. It was Luo Yu who hugged and thanked me as if I had done a great deed. To him and Nimkii, I suppose I had.

My father took to the boys as his own sons, even calling each of them by silly nicknames. For a portion of time, I felt jealousy, but it was still I who was called to his room to discuss his departure or to keep him company on his fishing trips. Jealousy faded; I had no real desire to preserve it either. In this wretched world, allies are rare. Even rarer are allies who trust those who have lost the meaning of the word. Perhaps this was naïve. They had trusted me and my father so easily; even Luo Yu despite taking longer to do so; it was foolish. But foolishness is the most beautiful part of being so young. I dreaded the day when they would look back and reproach themselves for such behavior.  I dreaded and hoped, because then they would truly join the world of adults, my world. And I was very lonely.

 That is also childish, in a way.

===

Two years had passed since my father applied to the Armed Fleet. I was now sixteen and my brothers were fourteen. I grew older, but my appearance remained the same. I was not beautiful, but I was still looked at as such. Men on their streets; delirious from alcohol; would approach me and coo in my direction. Before they saw two little boys behind me and backed away.

On one occasion, a seemingly wealthy man fell under the same impression; that my brothers were my children and thought twice about talking to me. I could have come and cleared up the misunderstanding, perhaps even married him to gain that wealth. But men like that only admire a flower when it is in bloom. I would wither as all things do and lose his affection. Affection I could stand to lose, wealth was a different story. So, I kept to myself and felt thankful to my brothers.

My father would begin to go on longer expeditions and come back more bruised. As children we often forget our parents grow with us, and my father had begun to show signs of age far quicker than I’d hoped. If he was to retire, I would have to take up the mantle. The thought should have terrified me, but it did not. I only felt emptiness, as if I had known my life would end this way. This was my fate regardless of what I chose; what I dreamt of. We have such limited futures, that is the weight of the damned.

Then the plague began, which I am sure you all will remember. It swept through our communities quickly; but the fleets were the most affected. Close quarters and foreign expeditions meant no escape for my father. On my birthday I imagined grasping another parent’s dying hands. I felt little at the thought, even finding a bit of comfort in it. But I was not allowed such mercy. As my father never returned. A man simply arrived at our door and told us what happened. A squadron my father was in had come into contact with the disease and all perished quickly; the land they had taken would not be in vain and would serve the fight well. He uttered the words quickly, gave me my father’s helmet, and left.

I cannot remember shedding tears. I simply woke the children up for breakfast and went to the market.

We walked through the streets. My ears picked up no sound despite my brothers conversing around me. Nimkii held my hand as he always did, Luo Yu had stopped at thirteen because he felt it was ‘too childish’, and we looked for a place to sit down and have a meal. Eventually we found a meat stand. I looked at the food on display and spotted a gray form. It was a lake cod, still oily and slick with grease. It was kept on a bed of coals slightly orange with fire. Its form still writhed and flopped in hopes it would escape; but the coals were already warmed; it twitched once more then stopped. Its eyes, rimmed with liquid and moist with stress, were black as olives.

I remembered then, the casting of a rod; a whisper of comfort in the night; a smile.

I heard a clamor. Voices speaking comforting inertia. A grip on my hand. But only one question remained.

Why?

I succumbed. For what was the point in my struggling? In struggling at all? Why was I given such a power if I could not even change anything? It was the first time I had no answer. I was told after by Nimkii that the pair dragged me to a secluded spot. I vomited and Nimkii coaxed me to drink water. I simply watched him, misty-eyed. I only remember that moment through what was told to me. I have never spoken much of my father since.