Part Two

I scream into the empty air: “WHY IS MY LIFE TOO FUCKING COMPLICATED?!” No one answers, of course, besides the sound of birds cawing, their wings beating. I drop to the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest. I can’t focus on what is going on, I can’t. My head feels like it’s underwater, my lungs feel as if they are punctured, my heart feels like it’s breaking... “Why can’t I just fucking die, already?” the words slip out of my mouth as bile rises in my throat. “Why can’t I? Why do I deserve all of these tortures? Why can’t I just fucking die? Why, God, why?”

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Tears burn the back of my eyes. I rub my eyes hard and suck in a sharp breath. Only weak men cry, my father would say. I was not weak. No.

Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry... I fought the urge of crying, the bile burning my throat as I thread my fingers through my hair.

Do not cry... do not cry... I tell myself, biting my lower lip.

Don’tcrydon’tcrydon’tcrydon’tcry. You’reafuckingadultnow. I scold myself.

Get up and get moving. I force myself to stand, my breathing uneven and unsteady. Go to camp before the others start suspecting something. I drag myself towards camp, praying that no one noticed that I was gone.

Stupid nerves. I shake out my hands, wiping away any stray tears. I hate this feeling, hate me. But it’s okay. I need to be okay. If others see me like this, they’ll think I’m weak. And I am not weak. Right?

“You look shaken,” Gavin says as he approaches me. “You ‘kay?” He genuinely looks concerned for me.

I wave him off though. “Fine,” I say.

“You sure? You look li’ you’re ‘bout to cry.” Gavin’s amber eyes are dark. He looks doubtful when I shake my head, trying to wave him off.

“Seriously, Jo. If there’s som’in’ botherin’ you...” Gavin tries.

“Gavin, you’re amazing and all, but please: I’m fine.” I rub my temple with a fist and head towards the soldiers’ cabin.

Please...I think, lying on the bed. Peace...

I do get peace for at least an hour before General Greenway barges in, fury in his gray eyes. “You were here the entire time?” he demands.

“Hm.” I say.

“Byariars, answer me!”

“Hm.” I cover my arms over my eyes.

“Byariars!” Greenway’s shadow is over me. I remove my arms and find him hovering over me, arms crossed over his chest. “Answer. Me.” He orders.

“Hm.” Fury floods the General’s face.

“Get up. Get the fuck up, boy.” He demands angrily.

I get up, glaring at him. “What?”

Greenway raises his hand and drops it. He curls his hand into a tight fist, curling his lips into a sneer. “If you’re in a bad mood, that doesn’t mean you have the rights to make others angry, Byariars. Fix your mood and get your ass out of here. Kill someone, would you?” He turns heel and leaves, muttering, “Idiot,” underneath his breath. 

“So I’m the idiot?” I snarl to myself. “Wonderful.” I stalk outside when there’s a cry of “We’re under attack!” spreading panic throughout the camp.

“Oh, geez,” I say. “What now?” I steady Fili Mi and watch as this horde of people rush towards the camp, howling, “DIEEEE!”

Friendly folks. Seem like nice people. I hope they die.

“FIRE!” wails one soldier, laughing maniacally as he sets a tent on fire. “Now watch it burrrnnn!” He must be a pyromaniac. He runs off, cackling, a lighted stick in hand as he tries to burn more things. 

“There he is!” holy mother of God, it’s Haden. How is this fucker not dead yet?

“Die!” screeches that bitch. Of course, it’s Kel. Haden and Kel. How are they still alive?

They chase after me. Of course. I run, trying to dodge the things they are chucking at me. I freak out when I realize that Kel has a chainsaw in her hand. Where the hell did she get that from?!

Both of them are screaming “die, fucker" to me, causing me to panic. I try to shoot at them but running backwards while firing? Hm, not a bright idea especially if there are other people who want to kill you.

While running, I notice that two women have dropped their weapons and are bickering at each other, shoving each other, calling the other woman a bitch.

“Gurl, you don’t know anything. I am a fighter here!” says the first woman who I recall as Sandra Weathering. She flips her blonde hair and narrows her green eyes.

“Ya think? What does Greenway do anyways? He don’t seem to be fightin’.” The other woman retorts.

“Where’s your general then, gurl?” Sandra says hotly.

“Fightin’.” The woman snaps.

Geez, a catfight in the middle of a bloody war. Typical. Women.

A bullet grazes past my cheek and I go rigid before turning around to find that Haden and Kel are right on my heels.

“Whoo hoo!” cries Kel, swinging her chainsaw around. She cuts a male’s arm off. “Hey, boyo! Where you think you’re going?! Come on back here! I have a lil’ gift!'' She singsongs.

God, she’s scary.

I nearly barrel into a person who turns out to be Kris. “Shit, I’m sorry,” I say, and Kris looks stunned.

“J-Joey!” Kris says, golden-green eyes wide. He moves his tousled black hair out of his eyes. 

My mouth goes dry instantly.

“What is... duck!” Kris tackles me to the floor as a knife gets thrown over our heads. “Sweet Jesus, who did that?” He shakes his head and helps me up.

“This is wrong,” I hiss. “We’re supposed to be enemies.” I see something unreadable in those mysterious eyes of Kris as he purses his lips.

“I know.” He whispers. “But let’s get moving. Hell, I’m going to ditch this jacket.” He drops his jacket and drags me away from the chaos.

“It’s not safe to do this,” I warn Kris, but he claps a hand over my mouth, leading me behind a cabin quickly.

“Shush,” he says. My god, he’s so close to me. I pray that my face is red because it’s burning right now.

“WHERE ARE YOOOOUUU?!” sings Kel. “COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARRREEE!” This is so fucked up. It’s like a hide-and-go-seek gone wrong. “I SHALL GIVE YOU FIFTEEN SECONDS, BOY! FIFTEEN...FOURTEEN...THIRTEEN...”

Now it’s a fucking countdown. Okay. Okay. Breathe, Joey, breathe.

“Is she trying to kill you?” wonders Kris. Innocent Kris.

“Yeah.” I say, trying to peer around the corner when Kris grabs my face. Kris. Is grabbing my face. His hands are on my face. Holy shit, his hands are touching my face! 

My breath latches as Kris presses his face close to mine, saying, “Don’t show your face to that maniac woman.” I nod.

“Are you okay? Your face is red. And you feel hot.” Kris cocks his head, his golden-green eyes questioning.

Shiiiiit. I say, “Uh...” and my face burns more. I pull away.

Kris laughs lightly. It dies quickly when we hear, “Man, why can’t that boy die already, you know Kel?” Haden grumbles. “Seriously. He killed Ted and he can’t seem to die? Why can’t he die already?”

My heart carves a hole in my body as it buries itself. Strange how minds work alike when it comes to hatred.

I didn’t realize that I’m shaking and whimpering until Kris claps a hand over my mouth, his hand flat against my chest. Then, I stop shaking immediately and I can’t breathe.

Once Kel and Haden are gone, Kris backs away.

He saved my life, I think. He’s staring at me, a coy smile on his lips. I notice that I’m looking at his lips and my heart drops to my stomach. I look away fast.

What is wrong with me? I think, mortified. It’s nothing. Probably nothing. But... My heart hammers wildly in my chest. I can still feel Kris’s hand on my chest even though he has removed it.

No. I can’t long for anyone, especially a boy. No, no, no, no. This is wrong—what is wrong? Everything is wrong! No, no, no, no. He’s too close. I love those golden-green eyes though, so mysterious, so fucking beautiful.

I had enough. At least, I believe I had enough. I step sideways and mutter, “Thanks,” to Kris before going off. I swear I heard Kris saying, “You’re welcome,” as I leave.

I hug myself as I go, shuddering as I see dead bodies. I’m sick and tired of this. I’m exhausted and fed up. I told myself that Darrin would be the first and last boy. I can’t deal with this. Plus, Kris is an enemy. It’s not like he would even…

Even what? Like me? No. This is stupid. We’re in the middle of a war and here I am, thinking with my body, rather than my head. Maybe there’s a psychological reasoning to why I am suddenly craving attention. Maybe…just maybe…because someone for once was paying attention to me.

Stupid brain. Maybe I should just. No. I stop myself. What if I am... Stop thinking, Joey. But seriously, what if I am... No. You are not. You are straight. Why do I have to fight myself? This is stupid. You’re stupid. Of course I am. I can’t figure out my sexuality! I’m arguing with myself. Who does that?

People. I counter.

No wonder I’m fucking miserable. I do this and end up making no friends because I debate with myself if they are a good person or not.

So stop it then.

But stop what? 

“YOU!” hollers a voice: Kel. Seriously? How is she still alive?! She charges at me with a sword, screaming, “En garde, boy!” with Haden by her side, holding a chainsaw. Must have switched weapons. How lovely.

I do the reasonable thing in war: I sprint to get away from those two imbeciles.

“Why,” Haden says, “can’t you die?!”

“The question is,” I snarl at them, “is why can’t you two die? Alright?!” I dodge a rock being thrown at me by Kel.

Those two are fast—and I’m running out of breath fast. It isn’t until Cole shows up, holding a machine gun, aiming it at Kel and Haden.

“Say hello to Jesus for me!” Cole snarls.

Kel and Haden scatter.

I finally am away from everyone. I clap my hands over my ears, trying to silence the ringing in my head. Everything hurts. I sit down on the ground, struggling to catch my breath. My vision blurs and I exhale shakily.

I want my world to stop spinning.

But it just won’t stop.