FOXGLOVE | Insecurity

“By the way, Yuri. Where’s Ren been lately?” 

Yuri’s expression froze when he heard the familiar name, and Sho added, “Wasn’t that his name?”

“Who’s that?” Holly munched. 

“You know—” He turned to her, and Tsubaki couldn’t help but lean an ear to their conversation. 

“He’s the top student in the engineering department,” he began to explain. “Remember when Coach told Yuri he’d get dropped from the team if he didn’t improve his grades? Yuri had to be exempt from practice sessions to prioritize his studies and spent all that time at the library being tutored by him. We’ve seen them together there a few times.” 

Holly ponders momentarily as she finishes off one more french fry before her eyes widen. “Oh!” she exclaims with the snap of her fingers. “Shorter with blonde hair? Heavy looking backpack?”

Sho confirms, and she lets out another long ‘oh’ sound. Her hand rests under her chin as she thinks out loud, “But I don’t think I’ve seen him since we came back from winter break—or maybe before that? It’s April.” Then adds, “We’re in the spring semester now.”

“Man, has it been that long already?” Sho scratches the back of his head as he went on. “I just remember they used to be together all the time. Well, I brought him up because of a rumor going around with that name, and I connected the two. The way others were talking about him…” His tone changed near the end ever so slightly, and Holly asked what the rumor was about. He answered, “That Ren is gay.”

Tsubaki glanced over to Yuri, who had yet to say a single word about the boy named Ren. And without an inkling of what expression could possibly be traced on his face, Yuri stood up from his seat.

“I’m heading out first,” he finally said, voice monotone and a hand clutched to the top of his backpack. 

As he walked away without another word, Tsubaki’s gaze followed him longer than he would’ve liked to admit; a thought burned itself into his brain, and curiosity dwelled within him. 

Why was he feeling this way?

✻ ✻ ✻

Yuri found himself walking aimlessly around campus, unsure of how much time had passed since he started such a pointless thing. He felt like his earlier actions during lunch came off abruptly, and he knew he was being unfair to his friends—and especially to Ren.

“I just remember they used to be together all the time.” 

Sho’s words echoed in his mind until his feet stopped beneath him, eyes still as he stared forward. The familiar voice called out, almost in a hush. 

“Yuri?” 

Yuri choked on his breath as he looked at the frail boy standing before him. His pale skin dulled in the shadows under the outdoor corridors, emphasizing darkened and sullen eyes, was Yuxuan Ren.

In Yuri’s memories, Ren was someone whose aura felt like a calm, warm wind. A feeling you wouldn’t pick out in a crowd but felt at ease with when alone. Soft-spoken and gentle; bright, like a quiet morning. Being around someone like Ren was finding peace outside a crowd, but he was appalled to see what had become of that memory. This was not his peace. It was agony in its place. 

His eyes tore away from the sight in front of him as his shoulders dropped beside him with the weight of not only grief but also regret. 

“Yuri, can we…” Ren starts faintly, his voice close to a whisper as he asks, “Can we talk for a bit?”

Their eyes refuse to meet while their heads hang low, and Ren bites the inside of his mouth when Yuri doesn’t respond right away.

 A sigh is let out as Yuri scratches the back of his head. There were too many unresolved emotions going on in his heart and too many questions he hadn’t yet made clear in his mind. 

“Right now is not a good time....” 

The words make Ren’s stomach churn. Ren just wanted to run away, a self-loathing feeling taking over his brain for even starting this conversation. But his heart was crying for an answer, and he knew he had to see it through to the end.

“Is it because I’m gay?” Ren uttered out in a single breath, and Yuri froze. Ren’s lips trembled as he forced himself to finish his thought—a thought that had been eating away at his consciousness since Yuri’s silence after the Fall Fireworks Festival. “Are you perhaps … ashamed of me?”

Yuri’s head jolts up, finally deciding to look at Ren, only for his heart to sink at the sight of him in tears. His arm moved before a single thought could process in his mind. His fingers brushed past the light-colored strands of Ren’s hair as he pulled the boy's head softly into him.

Ren doesn’t say a word as sobs come over him. All he can do is tightly hold onto the fabric of Yuri’s clothes as Yuri gently strokes the back of his head.

Tsubaki stood close by after having stumbled onto the scene earlier. He leaned back on a pillar out of view, and a subtle realization slowly sank into his chest.

That’s what it was.

The feeling Ren was holding in, Yuri felt it too, and so did Tsubaki.

It was insecurity.