11

All this time, I had forgotten you.

Your kind eyes, which seemed to call out for death. We had both had the same goal.

I want to find you.

I need to find you.

But I know there isn't any hope.

After all, your eyes betrayed your impatience. You wouldn't wait for me. You would go alone and gaze down on me as I struggle to follow you.

Your name lies a hesitant word on my lips. Bile in my throat, a lump I couldn't speak because of. Did I feel guilty for leaving you alone? Maybe.

Or did I feel grief for someone I didn't even know?

Either way, I shouldn't ponder anymore. I should finally leave my head. My mind.

-----

Rueful walls, gray and scratched up all around me. A horrific, loud floor that made me want to tear it out. I didn't know why, but my own home felt unfamiliar and gloomy. It had always been this way.

The reek of toxic substances, alcohol and smoke. Clinkering cans and trash messing with the bottom of my pants.

I hated everything about this place.

Then, a quiet yet chilling voice, wavering in it's tone.

"Lisa? Are you home?"

Her grumbling froze my body, a cold breeze picking at my skin with every breath that left her lips.

"Lisa!"

No amount of pain could make me answer her. Nothing would.

Eventually, after an hour of standing still, her mumbled demands faded into snoring, making my ears bleed with the pitch.

Not that this dreadful apartment would let me be, but I tried my best to stay quiet as I closed the door behind me to my room.

Or at least, it was mine on the surface.

I couldn't comprehend any thoughts in my mind. Well, except for the one that screamed at me, I hadn't gone to school.

Whatever. What does it matter, anyways?

The makeshift bed of towels and blankets felt cold, with glass shards embedded in it.

Ghosts danced around my room, tauntkng me from the corners and staining my mind. Tainting it too dark to see what was inside.

Atleast, everything was dark enough for me to stay calm.

It was finally too dark to see you.

What was it you had said?

The sun is too cruel, so we should shield eachother from it's rays?

I'm doing perfectly fine on my own.

-----

Is what I thought.

The universe is cruel. Why did I long to see your colours in the gray confines of my world again?

I couldn't help the small speck of light your words, our brief interaction, shedded on my heart.

And here I thought I had been emotionless.

Apparently not.

The wind felt harsh on my skin, as if it was cutting my body with each gust.

Freezing, dark metal of the balcony's railing pressed into my arms, cruel marks marring the skin it touched.

Think, Lisa.

Remember everything. Anything.

Our conversation, and..

-----

You had taken my hand, warming it from the usual temperature it had.

You didn't look back at me.

We simply ran, the silence comforting under the almost black outlines of the trees as we passed them.

"Where are we going?", I had broken the tranquility between us.

"Home."

"Home? This isn't the way. My home is much further away."

"No. I mean home."

I stopped our journey.

After running away with you, I knew what you meant immediately.

But for once in my life, a sense of longing filled my body.

"Can't we just stay here?"

"Stay? But why?"

"I like you. I think."

You still didn't look at me.

"I like you too. That's why I want to go. With you."

I turned my gaze to the sky.

"Will you not stay?"

"Will you not come with me?", you let go of my hand.

"Not yet."

"Then when?"

I couldn't answer.

"Please. Not now."

That was when you smiled at me.

I hated that smile. I hated you for smiling at me in that way.

"I'll wait for you. Come find me then."

And I hadn't been able to do anything when you ran off on your own.

My hand felt cold again.

-----

The news on the next day hadn't surprised me. So how was it that I had forgotten?

How could I have forgotten you?

Your words.. smile and warmth.

And your death.

"Seven year-old J---- P--k-- was found dead in an apparent suicide. Authorities are investigating. Our thoughts are with his family and community. So far...-"

I didn't know your name. Was that you?

When I read where you had died, I knew exactly. It was you.

Because you had drowned in the sea by the cliffside, where we had conversed under the starless sky by the swings.

That sea where the moon reflected perfectly in it, like a mirror.

I remember running there again that night. Fog clouded my vision, hazy mist everywhere.

I knew you wouldn't be there anymore. They had probably taken your body out of the sea, hadn't they? Right. The only thing I found from you was a pearl bracelet.

It's leather was washed out, faded to an ugly gray. And the once serene pearls, stained.

But still, I found it beautiful.

The pearls looked like small stars.

Was that why you wore it?

Were you there now?

-----

I contemplated following you. My balcony towered high above the ground, lost to the sky.

But.. I couldn't.

Not yet.

Not when I still hoped to find your remains.

Not when I still knew there was someone else out there, who brought colour to my world.