Cade

I woke up for the fifth time this week with my whole body protesting in pain. It started as a dull pain the second I opened my eyes and as I shifted closer to the edge of the bed the pain became more apparent. It started in my knees and when I put my feet on the floor my ankle nearly buckled. I sighed as I sat back down.

I loved gymnastics. It had been the only thing I cared about for so long but on days like this, days where I couldn’t even stand up like a normal person, I wished I had stopped while I was ahead. I wished someone had told me the damage I was doing to my body. Wished someone would have told me the pain I was going to have to live with from now on.

Looking back, I’m not so sure I would have listened to that advice but I still wish someone would have tried to tell me.

I stood up slowly from the bed, putting more weight on my left ankle to try and spare my right before slowly shifting so that the weight was even. I stood there for a while, letting my body get used to simply standing before trying to add the difficulty by walking. 

When I was sure I wouldn’t fall on my ass with the first step, I made my way to the kitchen. 

The coffee warmer had been on all night and now had coffee burnt to the pot. I kicked myself for not turning it off last night or getting up early enough today to clean it and head for the fridge instead.

I reach in blindly, knowing not much was in there other than a few spare red bulls and beer and either option would be okay right now. I couldn’t help but be a bit disappointed when I pulled the energy drink rather than the alcohol but it was probably for the best. 

The pain meds on the table were almost empty but the three pills went down easy with the caffeine. My head was pounding by the time I took my shower and got dressed for the day but there wasn’t time to worry about a little headache. I debated taking a few more pills but decided against it when I looked down at my watch. I only had a few minutes before my first class started. 

The drive was short to the gym was short and if my body would allow it, I would have walked but I knew better than to even try it these days. I had tried in the beginning. Most of my savings were gone from the year I spent laid up in the house with not much to do and the down payment for the gym along with all of the equipment had taken out the little bit that was left, not to mention I only had one student back then and I didn’t charge as much as I should have since I was desperate. I was flat broke and figured I could save money on gas but after only a week I could barely stand up straight at the end of the day and the next morning was always a nightmare so I gave up.

Now I drove the 5 minutes and hated every second of it.

Katie was here early like she always was. The second I put the car in park she jumped out of her mom’s and ran to me. 

“Coach Cade,” she yelled as she bounced over, with a wide smile and bright eyes. Oh to be youthful again. “Can we try my double back today? I’ve been practicing a lot at home on the trampoline and I think I’m ready to try on the ground now!”

“Can we get inside the building before you start bombarding me with hard questions,” I asked, putting on a stern face and voice but she had been with me for too long to let it have any effect. She only giggled before running to the door with her mom laughing lightly as she gathered her bags.

I clutched the Red Bull in my hand like it was worth its weight in gold as I unlocked the door. Katie didn’t have to be told and immediately went to take off her shoes before beginning her stretches on the mat. 

Katie was my first student and even though I probably shouldn’t have favorites; she was my favorite. Her mom always had payment ready at the end of every week, they were always early for class and competition, and after a few stern talks, Katie often told me directly when she wasn’t on her A-game for practice. She listened and she learned and it was a beautiful thing to see that come together in a powerhouse like her. 

Still, it was too damn early in the morning to be doing this shit.

I sighed as I pulled my chair in front of her as she stretched and chugged the rest of my energy drink.

“So what’s this about a double back?”

“Last night I was practicing on my trampoline at home and I landed 30, back to back, without a spot! Not all of them were pretty but we can fix that later, right? You always say that it takes 30 good ones to make it a habit so I’m ready!” I hummed as I leaned back, my arms crossed over my chest. 

“You know the competition is this Saturday, right? You only have two practices left before it’s here. Do you really want to waste that time on something that’s not even in your set?”

“Yes,” she said without hesitation. There was a light in her eyes that was far too familiar. “For the first hour of the day I want to do this and for the second hour we can practice but I really want to try!” I hummed as I looked down at her before shrugging.

“It’s your lesson then. After warm up I’ll watch a few on the tramp and we’ll go from there alright?”

She squealed as she jumped up from the floor and ran to get her warm-ups started and I flinched as the sound felt like it was going to split my head open.

I loved the kid like a niece but god damn she could be loud.

I watched with envy as she tucked and tumbled without a care in the world. No hints of pain on her face, no faulty take-offs, no psyching herself out, just plain, textbook gymnastics.

It hurt knowing I could still be doing this. If I had just listened to my body and taken the day off I could still be competing. If I had just listened this wouldn’t be my life. I wouldn’t have to sit back and watch as my students strive for the very thing I used to have.

I had tried getting back into gym when my surgery was declared as a success and physical therapy was over. I was advised against it by every doctor on my case but I wasn’t ready to let this go.

Gym was my drug. I would admit that I was addicted. I was addicted to the feeling of the mat under my palms, the wind on my face as I twisted with fine-tuned precision, the weightless feeling as I fell, the power in my body as I jumped, and the buzz of competition, I was addicted to all of it. I wasn’t ready to let go of that so I tried again.

I was fine with the basic skills. There was pain but if it meant doing this again I could deal with it. The intermediate skills had hurt a bit more. My shins protested with every landing my ankle was shooting with pain but I needed this and I pushed harder.

The advanced skills crumbled me. I jumped and turned and when I landed I collapsed at the force. My ankle felt like it was being stabbed, my shins felt like the raw bone was being scrapped against concrete, my knees felt like jello, and my back spazmed with the pain.

I had laid there on the mat completely alone for an hour, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling, trying to wrap my head around this problem because I could make this work. I had to make this work. I need to make this work.

I was just about to stand up and try again when my coach walked in.

“You’re done” He’d said simply. As if he was just talking about the weather. “I’m dropping you, Cade. I’m not going to watch you ruin yourself even more. Your body is trying to tell you to stop and if you won’t listen to it then you’re going to listen to me. Clean out your locker and get out.”

“I can still do this,” I seethed as I stood up. Every bone in my body protested but I ignored it as I marched over to the man. “I just need more time. The next Olympics is still four years away. I’ll train every day. By the time it rolls around again, no one will be able to tell that I was hurt.”

“Yeah? And what about next time? What happens when in another four years you collapse on the mat again? Are you going to go through another surgery and waste another four years of your life trying to get back where you were 8 years ago? Your time is up Cade. It’s time to retire and let the kids have a go at it.”

“I can still do this!”

“No, you can’t. Go home, take some time to get your head on straight, and if you still want to be a part of the sport this badly, come back to me and I’ll see about adding you as a coach. How does that sound?”

“I think that’s a load of bullshit and you can shove it straight up your ass,” I seethed and he only shrugged.

“Then clean out your locker and leave. You have 15 minutes before I call the cops and they can deal with you.”

“How was that Coach,” Katie asked, still lightly bouncing on the trampoline from the rebound. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. 

“That was good. One more time and we’ll move to the floor.” She smiled brightly and went to try again.

I was addicted to gymnastics. I don’t think there will ever be a time when I’m not. I wanted nothing more than to be doing it myself but I knew better than to try again so this would have to be enough no matter how much I wished to do more.