What did I do just now? I lean on the door and try to calm down my heart rate.

I never cared much about relationships or intimacy. I always focused on chasing my dreams of becoming an officer. But now I find myself in a situation that made the world feel brighter, even brighter than the lights of Upper City. Still, a part of me is afraid that if I let myself enjoy it, I’ll get overwhelmed by something unfamiliar.

But I truly wanted to turn around. Go back to him. Meg.

“I need to get it together,” I mumble quietly.

I need to get back to reality. I start walking towards my parents’ apartment, but I can’t help glancing back, hoping for a reason or a push to go back to him. There’s nothing except a painful ache in my chest.

I wasn’t sure about my sexuality, but in that moment, it didn’t matter because all I could think about was him.

Now, this feeling has left me with a lot to consider.

I step inside my parents’ place and shut the door, leaving behind what I believe was my final chance to return to him.

When I wake up tomorrow, will it all feel like a dream? Or will the memory of his kiss still linger on my lips, like a sweet but forbidden drink?

With my parents already asleep, I head to the couch and lie down. They downsized to support my education, so now they can only afford this one-bedroom apartment.

My long legs dangle over one of the armrests. The place is old, but they’ve made efforts to create a cozy and comfortable home.

As I gaze at the stained roof, my thoughts momentarily stray from my sexual desires. It’s a reminder of why I’m committed to my job, so I can eventually rescue my parents from this rundown place.

I want to save them from this neighborhood, to repay their sacrifices for me. But then I wonder, who would save Meg in his lonely, empty apartment?

Who could break his walls? The ones he keeps high, even while kissing me, so that nothing can penetrate his tough exterior?

Thoughts of him linger as I drift off to sleep.

***

A few days go by, and life goes on. I still hold on to the desire to see Meg once more.

Years ago, I lacked the confidence to consider approaching him again. I was a thin, nerdy kid who endured bullying at school due to being adopted by an older couple.

Growing up in the middle-class neighborhood, my orphan status made middle school kids view me as inferior.

After a severe case of bullying that caused trouble for my father, I made the decision to exercise and study diligently. My goal was to become a police officer, protecting people like my parents and myself from the bullies in this world.

As I began self-defense classes, my teacher chuckled kindly, questioning how someone as naturally strong as me could ever have been bullied.

I wonder if my attraction to Meg comes from an unconscious desire to protect someone in distress.

Who am I kidding? I admit I desire him, and the frustration continues.

Would it be considered creepy if I showed up at his apartment to talk to him?

Is it inappropriate to conduct a background check on someone I’m interested in? Would it be an abuse of power?

“Damn it, what should I do?” Oh, great. Now I’m talking to myself.

Lolaus smirks at me, asking, “What’s got you in a funk today?” He’s like a bored cat seeking mischief.

“Well, you know, the usual existential pondering?” I deflect, attempting to dismiss his question and avoid further probing.

“Normal for others, I suppose. I never expected you to be the type. Is it about your parents? Are they doing okay?” my partner asks.

“They’re doing great. I just met someone,” I reply. I appreciate his concern, but mentally scold myself for spilling my guts to him.

“A girlfriend?” Lolaus’ curiosity is aroused, and now he’s asking questions.

He playfully punches my arm as if to congratulate me. I rub the spot as I get back to my morning training.

“No, not a girlfriend. I just met someone. It’s strange, you know? Only two meetings, and I’m rethinking my perspective on the world and myself,” I say as I throw punches.

He wraps his arm around me, halting my punches on the bag.

“Oh, so it’s a guy who’s making you question your sexuality?” Lolaus’ perceptive question catches me off guard.

I turn to face him, doing a bad job of hiding my shock.

He laughs at me, then grabs some weights and begins his workout.

“Come on, man, same-sex relationships aren’t rare here. And considering all the girls you’ve ignored, it’s not difficult to guess that the great Hercules might prefer men,” he says.

Maybe he knows me better than I thought.

“And you’ve spent so many years trying to be the perfect son and a hero to the people. So, I think it’s okay for you to let yourself like someone. It’s not bad to be a little selfish, especially when the person is as good as you, Herc.”

His words make me wonder. Is it truly acceptable? Can I hope for a chance at something? But what if I blow it?

More importantly, what’s the worst that could happen?