OLIVIA

Britney said she’d stay as long as I needed and, out of guilt, I told her it would only need to be a week. Jessie and Nuru ate fruit, bread, and eggs for breakfast, little portions, while Britney and I made a grocery list for the week. I thought everything looked perfect until Britney asked about the cuts of meat I wrote down, and I realised they would have been for Rob. He also called again, while we were at the store. I almost didn’t answer, but then our daughters were looking at me and I felt bad. 

A week turned into two, during which she helped me get the twins a new pediatrician, and an actually good daycare. I wasn’t sure about it, and I didn’t know how to feel about expecting strangers to take good care of my girls and seven other kids. The daycare was just a place for when I needed someone to watch them when I finally bit the bullet and got a job. Not for money, necessarily, but some kind of purpose and a routine while I didn’t have my babies around. Rob called everyday, begging me to forgive him, and I begged him to stop breaking my heart. He came by to pick up Nuru and Jessie for the weekend and stood way closer than he should have. I almost kissed him.

Then the two weeks became two months, the point at which I started to cry at random moments, the grief of my failed relationship and Rob’s betrayal not being able to be kept down anymore. Britney picked up Nuru and Jessie from daycare three times that week, assuring them that I was just working on a new book. I thought my uncontrollable tears were ruining the routine that I’d just managed to put in place. Britney did her best to keep it up. Once I’d gotten myself together, I got hired by Fawn as a junior editor.

Eventually, I stopped counting how long it had been, and stopped guaranteeing a time when I wouldn’t need my sister’s support. She never complained, and actually seemed to be enjoying it, especially when we went out together and had movie nights. My mom finally came back from her business trip, and I was able to go out later in the day without wondering if I should ask Rob to watch them. That seemed like a terrible idea, and a way for him to convince me that we still needed each other. My mom was very upset, which I knew because she’d called me and left messages all the time when I first told her about Rob being married months ago. Still, she was polite when he came by to pick up the twins. Well, her version of ‘polite’ was different when it came to him. 

My university graduation came around before I knew it, and I had to pinch myself at the fact that I was even able to finish. A lot of sleepless nights studying, and writing papers while Britney or my mom watched the girls. I’d stay nearby so that I could still be with them, but it was hard. I walked across the stage with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. Bachelor of English Literature, and it wasn’t honours or magna cum laude, but I’d done it. I tried to keep myself from looking at Rob during the ceremony. While my relationship with him was still rough, he was a faculty member, and he gave me a hug to congratulate me after I switched my tassel over to the other side.

It was two years later when I finally felt like things were normal again. Britney moved out, but just got a small place five minutes from my house. Jessie stopped asking me everyday when daddy was coming home, and Nuru stopped getting up in tears during the night to find me in my room. They were older, now, and talking to me like they had lived and knew who they were and what they wanted in life. Their lives, which were so big to them, consisted of French-immersion kindergarten, tumbling, soccer, swimming lessons, meetups with other kids and their parents, and seeing their aunts and grandparents. Rob had his own schedule with them from Fridays after school until Sunday nights, or sometimes Monday mornings. Some weekends they’d be with me, and he would then get a few days during the week. They saw his side of the family, or went to the park, went to events, and other things to spend quality time together. Holidays were trickier, because we both wanted them with us. At first, I thought that we could switch off, but my mom reminded me that Rob didn’t have a problem with me. So, I agreed to both of our families coming together, at least for the dinners. Who had the twins the days before and after was something we still had to decide on weeks before. 

Neither of us had been serious with anyone romantically since we broke up. That was something we promised to be honest about. Rob did have women that he saw, but didn’t end up having long-term relationships with any of them. When he first told me, a year after I left, I said I was fine. I almost burned all our photos together.

I didn’t know if I could ever give myself to someone the way I gave myself to Rob ever again. That’s what I was thinking about while I pushed my shopping cart through the store after school, with Nuru and Jessie grabbing every colourful snack that caught their eyes in the aisles and trying to toss them into the cart. They decided to wear matching outfits today, an oversized green sweater and grey tights with brown boots. The only difference between them was that Jessie asked for two ponytails, which sat as large collections of curls by her ears, and Nuru just wanted a single ponytail, which matched the slicked-back style I had.

My lips sat pressed into a thin line as I looked at the pile of stuff in the cart. We had plenty at home, and I had to keep telling them to put them back, but they couldn’t even reach into the cart to do that. Smart kids.

“It will take you two years to eat all this stuff,” I told the girls, gesturing towards the gushers, jell-o, rice krispie squares, gummy smiles, and a bunch of other sweets piled into the cart. “What about salty snacks, like chips and cheese?”

Nuru looked into the cart while her sister turned to search for another snack that she’d add to their collection. “You already got those, mommy.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why you don’t need anymore stuff,” I said, then bent over to get the things so I could put them back where they belong. Jessie tossed some Welch’s gummies into the cart as I was doing so, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes. 

I shook my head, “ok, you guys can get one of these things. And quickly. I haven’t even gotten half the stuff we came for, yet.”

They grinned, and came over to see what I was about to put back. Anything that wasn’t candy was quickly disregarded, and I put the other things back while they made their decision. I was about to put the rice krispies back as well, but figured I could restock while I was out. Jessie was pouting at Nuru when I came back to the cart, and Nuru was crossing her arms.

“Why did you get these ones?” Jessie asked, shaking the gummy smiles that she now held in her two, little hands.

Nuru pointed at them, “because they’re good!”

“You never even ate them before!” Jessie insisted.

A few people walked past us as they argued, and one older woman smiled at me in that ‘I remember when my kids were that young’ way.

“Yeah, I did! Mrs. Lee gave them out in class before,” Nuru fought back. 

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yuh-huh!”

“Okay, okay,” I touched their shoulders to remind them that I was still there, and we were still in a store. I doubted they cared much about the latter, though. “We can just get two things. What did you want, Jessie?”

She glared at her sister, then the box she still held, then looked up at me. “...I dunno.”

Nuru threw her arms up, groaning, and I tried not to laugh. Jessie looked at the other options left while biting at her bottom lip. Eventually, she picked the Welch’s gummies, so I put the others back as well. We finally left the snack aisle, and I made sure to have the twins hold either side of the cart so I could keep an eye on them. I got some of our essentials, then some spinach, rice, tomatoes, and tofu for dinner.

The twins kept themselves occupied while we waited in the checkout line, and they were about to start playing some game when someone called both of them. “Jessie! Nuru!” We turned towards the voice, and there was a little girl, probably their age, and who I assumed was probably her mom. Their skin was also a similar dark brown to mine, and the girl had twists with pink and white beads, which reminded me of how my mom used to do my hair, and had on a turtleneck dress. Her mom’s hair looked similar to mine, and her white blouse, pencil skirt, and heels screamed corporate. 

The kid ran up to give my daughters a group hug, and her mom hurried to keep up with her. She laughed and apologised once she was close enough to us, “sorry, my kid loves your daughters. They’re like best friends at school or something.”

My eyes lit up, “oh, is this Alina?”

Her mom smiled, then said above the excited chatter of our daughters, “yes, she’s told me a lot about the twins in her class. I’m her mom, Penelope.” 

We shook hands and I smiled as well, “nice to meet you.”

While I did my best to show up at every parent-child event, all the functions and fundraisers, I hadn’t made as many other mom friends that I really liked as I’d hoped. Rushing to work or home to make dinner after didn’t leave much time for it. There were women that I did call my friends, but some of them had older kids, so it made things different. My mind went way too far ahead as I hoped that Penelope and I could get along.

“You too,” she returned the smile, then looked down at the basket on her arm. “We just got here. I’m getting the snacks for Story Circle last-minute. I’m probably just gonna get goldfish.”

My smile fell, “Story Circle for school?”

Penelope nodded, “yeah, I can’t believe I almost forgot.” 

That made me feel like shit because I didn’t even know there was anything to forget.

Whenever the girls came back from school with a notice or some kind of announcement, I put it into the calendar and made reminders so I wouldn’t forget. They usually sent emails, but sometimes their teacher would forget and just give them a handout. I didn’t understand how I’d missed it.

I looked at the cart, relieved that I hadn’t put the rice krispies back. There were plenty to go around in their class, so I wouldn’t have to run back and grab something. Still, I was clueless about the details of Story Circle.

“Kids love goldfish. I think that’s a good idea,” was all I said, and I decided to keep my thoughts to myself for the time being.

“Yeah. Let’s get out of your hair. I’ll see you around?” She asked, and I felt myself perk up again. “Actually, lemme just get your number. I don’t talk to many of the other parents, and my other friends are career-obsessed.”

She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, tapped it a few times, then gave it to me. She shifted her weight from one leg to the other while I gave her my info, and she called me so I’d have hers. After I got her info as well, she called Alina. The little girl seemed so sad to go, and hugged Nuru and Jessie again before she and her mom walked down an aisle some feet away.

Once they were out of earshot, I turned to my daughters. “Why didn’t you guys tell me about the snacks for Story Circle? I didn’t know you were having another one already. And, when is it?”

They looked at each other, then at me. Judging by the way their eyebrows knitted together, they were just as lost as I felt. Jessie shrugged, “I gave daddy the paper. It’s on Thursday.” Nuru nodded, which told me she’d done the same.

I bit my tongue to keep from saying what I was thinking. The cashier was ready for us, which I was grateful for because it gave me something to think about other than the fact that Rob was being shit with his communication, and that was interfering with my responsibilities to our kids. I put the items from the cart to the conveyor belt, but my mind was focused on what I’d say to Rob when I got a hold of him.

Britney was in the living room like she said she’d be when she texted me on my way back home. She ran up to the door when I opened it, and picked up the girls. “My loves! Comment ca va? I missed you!”

Nuru and Jessie laughed, trying to escape their parade of kisses being landed all over their faces. Britney put them down, grinning until she saw the look on my face. There were four bags of groceries at my feet, and I tried to pick them all up at once. When she reached out to help, I shook my head.