“Forget it, I have them.” I barely managed to grab all the handles and ended up walking like a penguin to the kitchen. 

I heard Britney help the twins out of their coats, then send them off to the family room before she came to join me in the kitchen. She watched me carefully as she reached out to grab some of the groceries. When I didn’t react, she started helping me put them away. We worked in silence until the last egg was in the fridge. Once I closed the door, Britney gave me a look.

“Okay,” she started, “what happened?”

I shrugged, “what makes you think something happened?” Even I could feel how deep my frown was, but I didn’t care to make my face look more pleasant. I took a Gatorade out of the pantry, opened it, took a sip, and Britney just waited for me. It was like she was burning a hole into my face with the way she was watching me.

“Oh my God, okay! I met this other mom--Alina’s mom--at the store-”

Britney’s eyes lit up, “oh, really? Is she cool?”

“Yeah, she’s chill. We exchanged numbers. Anyway, she told me she went to buy snacks for Story Circle on Thursday, which I didn’t even know was happening.” I crossed my arms in front of me, “you know who did, though?”

My sister sighed, “Robert.”

I nodded and took another swig of my drink. The whole thing wasn’t that big of a deal, especially since it had worked out. The snacks were bought, the kids were happy, and it was fine. But, it’s the fact that it might not have been. “If I hadn’t bumped into Penelope, Thursday would’ve rolled around and I’d be unprepared. For all I know, he did this on purpose to make me look like a forgetful mom. Maybe he was gonna swoop into the school at the last-minute, armed with snack-sized cheetos and potato chips.”

Britney stared at me with wide eyes, then burst into laughter. I shook my head and giggled, despite how hard I was still trying to be upset. It was crazy how these little social things like snacks at school could be so serious. I let out a long sigh while my sister continued laughing.

“Okay, how about you go over to his place to talk to him? I’ll watch the kids,” she offered. 

I shook my head, “I still have to make dinner.”

“I’ll make pasta,” she said. “You can cook your fancy shit tomorrow.”

I put a hand to my chest in dramatic fashion, “I make down-to-earth, wholesome meals.”

“It’s okay, you’re extra. Just embrace it. Now, go. I’ll hold down the fort,” she insisted. I tried to keep protesting, but Britney didn’t let up until I was out the door, even watching me drive off for good measure.

Our- Rob’s house wasn’t too far from mine, and I was there within twenty minutes. The familiarity I felt driving through the suburban community to get to the house made my heart ache. I took in the changing leaves, their yellows, oranges, and reds giving me comfort during the season. It was almost Thanksgiving, then it would almost be Christmas, and here I was driving to my ex’s house to pick a fight. 

I took a moment outside of his door once I’d arrived, before I ringed the doorbell then knocked five times: that was our little signal. We were still trying to teach it to the girls. It was our way of knowing when one of us was at the door. The door swung open and, judging by the lack of surprise on his face, I knew that Britney had told him I was coming.

“Hi,” I said, without a smile.

Rob did smile, though. It was small, but it was there. “Hey...” He searched my face for something, maybe to gauge exactly how upset I was. After a few moments, he stepped aside. “Come in.”

The place was always the same, minus a few of the decorations and pictures I’d taken with me. Rob had copies of the photos of the girls, and I spotted our first family photo together on a wall near the stairs. I took off my shoes and coat, and caught his eyebrows crawling up his forehead when I turned to hang my coat. When I came by, I usually avoided staying for long. I’d stand by the foyer, with my shoes on, until the girls were settled in and it was time for me to leave. The only time I did come in was that first Thanksgiving, which I spent in the bathroom for five minutes every hour, crying or pulling myself together.

“This is serious, huh?” He asked. 

I just went into the living room without saying another word, and waited for Rob there. He went into the kitchen, then came back with two glasses of water, one without ice. That one was for me. I tried not to take the gesture to heart. 

“So,” I started. “Story Circle snacks?”

 His eyebrows went in opposite directions, and he squinted at me. I could tell he was about to ask what the hell I was talking about when the realisation dawned on his face. That perplexed look was replaced by one of guilt.

“Liv, I’m so sorry.” He put his glass down on the coffee table, then dragged his hands down his face. “I was gonna tell you when they brought home the memo, but we were running late for the movie and... Damn, did we miss it? When is it?”

We.

“It’s on Thursday, and I only know because I met Alina’s mom at the store-”

“Oh, really? How is she? Is she nice? How was Alina with Nuru and Jessie?” He asked, some of the guilt dissipating from his face.

“Yeah, she’s nice, they’re nice.” I waved off that sidetrack, “Rob. We agreed. You need to communicate with me so we don’t miss this stuff.”

He nodded, “I know, I’m sorry. I just forgot. I’m doing my best, you know? I let you put them into a French school, and half the time I have no idea what the stuff they bring home says. I’m allowed to forget sometimes, aren’t I?”

I shook my head because I knew where he was going with this. In his eyes, I was the perfectionist, and he was just a dad that was doing his best. “Okay, I appreciate that. I do. But, kids don’t understand sacrifice and effort. They’re 4. All these ‘little’ things are a big deal. I don’t even wanna wonder how they would have felt if they’d shown up to class without snacks, while everyone else contributed something.”

Rob rolled his eyes, and my grip on the glass tightened. “They would have been fine. They’re happy kids, Liv. All this stuff just rolls off their backs for the most part-”

“No, it doesn’t. You just don’t see all the times they get disappointed about ‘this stuff’ because it’s usually with me.” I put the glass down, then pinched the bridge of my nose. My heart had started pounding, and I could feel the anger rising back up from my chest, to my neck, then into my cheeks. “We just need to do our best to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

I didn’t look at him, but I could feel that there was more he wanted to say. Honestly, I was expecting some kind of fight. That’s not what I came for, necessarily, but part of me might’ve wanted that. But, when I finally looked over at him, he was just watching me.

Rob nodded, “okay. I will let you know as soon as I hear next time.”

Some of the anger I felt building up started to evaporate. “Okay. Thank you.”

I let my body sink into the couch, and we sat there in silence for a while. The sound of an analog clock ticking away could be heard, and I focused on the darkness that had started to overtake the outside. My heart rate calmed down, for the most part, and I reached out to get my glass again. 

“I’m sorry,” Rob said, breaking our collective silence. 

I just shrugged, “it- I accept your apology.”

He leaned forward on his knees, “seriously. The last thing I ever wanna do is make you upset.”

‘Too late for that,’ I thought, but decided to keep that to myself. There was a list of things in my mind that I went to every time something like this came up. It wasn’t like I did it on purpose; it was just there. That list was always there. 

Rob reached out and touched my knee. “Liv, I miss you-”

I jerked back, “don’t do this again. Please. We said we were moving on. It’s been two years.”

“You said you were moving on. I didn’t.”

“I would assume you were considering the women you’ve slept with since we broke up,” I spat, and his face fell.

“That’s not fair-”

I put my glass down and stood up. I had overstayed my welcome, and there were people waiting for me at home, anyway. “It doesn’t matter. This is not a good idea. I’m gonna go.”

He hurried to follow me to the front door, and bombarded me with counter arguments while I got ready to leave. Rob stuffed his hands in his pockets, then pulled them out and ran them through his hair instead. “What- Why is this not a good idea? You keep saying that, but-”

“You had a wife and you didn’t tell me,” I said, glaring into his eyes. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do to make up for that.”

When I yanked the door open and marched to my car, I expected to turn around and see him watching me from his door. Inactive as ever, just a victim in the story that he created in his head. But, he was near the car, and waited for me to get in before he came and stood right beside my door.

“I want to tell you what happened. I just can’t, yet.”

My heart fluttered, and I could feel the hope starting to come up in my chest. In all this time since I’d known, it had felt like he deceived me purposefully, probably laughing with his wife before he came home to me, none the wiser. Maybe this explanation would change everything... But, I didn’t want to hope, because he would have told me so much sooner if that was the case. He would have done it before I left him, before I was forced to split up our home, our family. It was just more excuses, and I didn’t wanna hear them. Whatever else he started saying was drowned out by my engine turning over. I opened the window, and he seemed to think that was a sign of me giving him a chance.

“That’s what you’ll keep saying until the end of time, and I don’t want to hear it. It’s been two years, Robert. It’s too late.”

He frowned, dropping his shoulders, and his head. Rob stepped back and away from the car, which allowed me to pull out of the driveway. I looked at him one more time before turning the wheel, and I forced myself to focus ahead as I drove out of the neighbourhood.