Author's Note:

Welcome to The Queer Anthology: Hush!

This is the book that originally inspired us to write The Queer Anthology, and after much revising, we are finally ready to share it with you! You will find similar themes in Hush as in TQA.

This book contains content that may be triggering to some readers. Unfortunately, listing trigger warnings outright would contain major spoilers. Instead, we will be putting brief warnings at the tops of chapters with difficult content, and a more descriptive listing at the bottom of the same chapter. If you would like a complete list of trigger warnings, please message us on Tapas before reading further. We would be happy to provide them for you!

[Image Caption: Nick and Koda, drunk at a dorm party]

Soccer practice ended early and now I’m at some lame party. I don’t even know what’s being celebrated. Maybe it’s the end of season? Maybe the start of a new term? Maybe it’s nothing at all. Kids in my dorm don’t exactly need to look for a reason to let loose.

I’m sipping on a can of Keiths and Koda’s at my side, already pleasantly smashed. He’s good at this—good at totally erasing his mind for the night and waking up without a hangover. I don’t know how he does it. I glance at him. His eyes are glazed over and he’s staring at nothing in particular, his shaggy hair still a damp mess from a rushed shower.

“Man, you might wanna slow down,” I joke, but he doesn’t respond and just gives me a sly smile.

Koda moves like he’s got springs in his legs—compact, quick, always a step ahead. The first time I spotted him on campus, I jogged onto the field, stretching out stiff muscles, when he turned and did a double take. I’d recognize that wavy hair anywhere, dark like wet earth, and his brown complexion that the soccer uniform colors looked unfairly flattering against.

“No way,” he had said.

“Man, ‘magine seeing you here.”

We’d known each other as kids, but never really hung out before now. Then suddenly, here we were, on the same team at the same university. Friends. What a pleasant surprise.

“Enjoy the party, Nick,” Koda says. “You’re the one who dragged me here, stop acting like a sook.”

“I’m not,” I argue.

“What are you thinkin’ about, then? Samantha? Too bad she’s a lesbian.”

Samantha’s my ex. We were an item for two years before she came to the realization that she doesn’t even like men. It makes me wonder where her mind was each time we screwed. We decided to go to the same university before she told me. Now we’re stuck seeing each other all the time. Sucks.

“Don’t worry about it too much,” Koda tacks on dismissively, patting me forcefully on the shoulder. It’s his way of telling me to get over it. “I’m going to get another drink. Want?”

I shake my head and tell him I need to get something from my room. I’m lucky the party is being hosted in one of the quads in my dorm building. My own room is only three floors up, so it’s easy to dip out. I take the stairs two at a time and reach my door quickly. I leave it unlocked because I don’t have anything worth stealing–nothing out in the open, at least.

Tyler is out and I’m relieved. Tyler is my roommate and a Business major. He mostly hangs out with my cousin Corinne, but it gets suffocating when we see too much of one another. Sometimes I need to be left alone. He probably feels that way, too.

I close the door behind me and saunter over to my dresser, rifling around in my sock drawer. I find what I’m looking for, digging out a plastic baggie. I pull my key out and dip it into the baggie, leaning down and snorting. I wince, squeezing my nostrils and sniffling.

I head back downstairs after a few minutes and by now, Koda is chatting with a group of people. They’re people I know, too, but that isn’t interesting to me right now. I look for a new face. First one I spot is a pale, thin guy wearing jeans and a baggy black hoodie. His hair has been dyed a bright red color and it’s eye-catching, so I head straight for him. He clearly sees me as I make my way over and puts a hand on his hip, like he’s expecting something. Maybe I’m being too obvious.

“Hey, there,” I greet him with a grin. I’ve seen him around campus a few times, but we’ve never spoken until now. 

“Hi,” he responds in a voice that’s deep and cold. It sounds like he wants me to keep my distance, but that doesn’t sway me.

“What’s your name?”

“Gabe.”

“I’m Nick. Why you standin’ ‘round here all alone?”

“Lost my friends.”

“Aw, that’s too bad. Looks like you’ll just have to hang out with me then.”

Gabe blinks slowly, but doesn’t reply. I guess he doesn’t think I’m funny.

“Uh, who are your friends?” I ask, deciding to go another route and try to be helpful instead. “Maybe I saw them?”

“I thought we were hanging out.”

Jeez, this guy… We wander into the shared kitchen. It’s crowded with people. Gabe picks a beer can off the counter. It’s open and I doubt it’s his, but he drinks from it and leans against the wall, staring at the floor. 

“So, what are you studying?” I ask in a vain attempt to make conversation.

“Math, but that could change… We’re only freshmen.”

I laugh awkwardly. “Yeah, true…”

The silence between us is rough and it intimidates me. I find noise, sound and constant conversation to be much more comforting. I’m extroverted, but I have no idea what to say to this guy and I’m not sure why. Gabe glances up at me, and he looks completely apathetic. When he’s finished the drink, he sets it back down and then continues to eye me. “So, what now?” he asks. “Want to go to bed?”

“Huh?”

“Do you want to fuck around? We can go to my room. Or yours.”

“Well, that’s forward.”

“I’m bored.”

I begin to wonder exactly what I’ve gotten myself into… but since I’m in one of those moods, I say sure, and we head to my room. My roommate is still missing in action. Lucky me. The last thing I need is for him to catch me experimenting. I’d never live it down.

I lock my door for the first time in my life and sit on my bed. Gabe kneels between my legs and starts unbuttoning my pants, looking like he doesn’t give a shit. He must do this kind of thing a lot. I should feel shyer than I do, but I’m pretty messed up right now. Plus, Gabe is acting confident and it makes me want to keep up with him.

He pulls out my dick and puts his mouth around it right away, burying his face in my crotch. To be honest, it doesn’t feel great, even though it’s clear he knows what he’s doing. I’m not sure if that’s because there was no buildup or because I’m just not into men. More realistically, it could be because I’m high. So, it takes me a while. He’s probably as fucked up as I am, so I doubt he minds that this is lasting forever. I close my eyes and try to think about something that might turn me on more than my current situation, but nothing really comes to mind.

When I finally cum, it’s not even a good orgasm. It makes me feel cheap and deflated. I watch him swallow and it’s completely sobering. I tuck myself back into my pants and zip. Before I can get an awkward word out or attempt to reciprocate, the door swings open. Tyler is standing with his key in hand. He seems annoyed and I stand up briskly, looking down at Gabe who is still kneeling on the floor. I try to telepathically tell him to stand the fuck up because I don’t want Tyler riding my ass about this later. 

Gabe doesn’t take the hint, so I offer him a hand and pull him up. “What is it?” I ask Tyler, trying not to sound irate.

“Your friend is barfing everywhere.”

“Which friend?” 

And why am I the one who has to deal with it?

“The one on your soccer team,” Tyler mumbles, entering the room. “Hey, Gabe.”

Guess they know each other. Great.

“Koda?” I ask.

“Mmm, yeah, that’s his name.”

“Well, where the hell is he then?”

“Hogging the bathroom in the quad. People are getting pretty fed up.”

I roll my eyes. “Alright, I’ll be right back… Uh, it was nice to meet you, Gabe.”

Gabe nods, but doesn’t respond. God, I hope he’s gone by the time I get back.

I run downstairs and, sure enough, a number of pissed off looking students are lined up outside the door. “Excuse me, sorry,” I say as I squeeze past. “You know there’s a bathroom down the hall, right?”

A few of the bystanders groan, but thankfully most of them disperse. I give the bathroom door a tap once things quiet down.

“Hey, how’s it going in there?”

“S’bad,” I hear Koda mumble back.

I crack open the door and see him resting the side of his head on the toilet seat. His eyes are closed and he doesn’t acknowledge me as I slip into the room.

“Wow, never seen you blow chunks before!” I joke, crouching down beside him. “You got the spins?”

“Yes,” he says tersely, then sniffles a bit and I don’t know if it’s because he’s drunk or upset. Either way, it’s not a happy sight. I’m a sucker for crybabies, so I end up feeling worse for him.

“You’re fine,” I say, trying to sound calming or soothing. He always is, but I guess this time it’s different because he’s at a whole new level of hammered. He doesn’t say anything. He just blinks slowly and stares off into space. I inch closer and rub his back. “Why’d you get so wasted? That’s unlike you. Did you just forget how much you had?”

“I’unno,” he slurs. A few tears slip out and I feel my guts twisting around. He looks so out of it. “Ugh, I wish I were dead.”

“No, you don’t. You’re just drunk.”

I rise to my feet and then help him stand. He wipes his chin with a piece of toilet paper and flushes away the evidence of his indiscretion. He sways back and forth as he inches towards the sink and bends low, rinsing his mouth out. When he’s set, I walk him back to my room. He can stay with me tonight. I’ll get him some water to sip on or something.

Thankfully, I see that Gabe has vacated by the time we return. That would’ve been an awkward one to explain. Tyler is gone, too—probably back at the party. I rummage through my dresser until I find two pairs of sweatpants. 

“Here, you can borrow these,” I say, tossing the clothing onto my bed where he’s seated. They’ll be big on him, but that’s fine. 

Koda stares at me dully before standing up and stripping down to his boxers. “Thanks,” he tells me once he’s redressed.

I fill him a glass of water. Hopefully this will help, even just a little bit. With that, I finally change and squeeze next to him on the tiny twin-sized bed. Hopefully he isn’t hung over in the morning.