Author's Note:

Welcome to The Queer Anthology: Hush!

This is the book that originally inspired us to write The Queer Anthology, and after much revising, we are finally ready to share it with you! You will find similar themes in Hush as in TQA.

This book contains content that may be triggering to some readers. Unfortunately, listing trigger warnings outright would contain major spoilers. Instead, we will be putting brief warnings at the tops of chapters with difficult content, and a more descriptive listing at the bottom of the same chapter. If you would like a complete list of trigger warnings, please message us on Tapas before reading further. We would be happy to provide them for you!

[Image Caption: Nick and Koda, drunk at a dorm party]

Soccer practice ended earlier and now I’m at some lame party. I don’t even know what’s being celebrated. Maybe it’s the end of season? Maybe the start of a new term? Maybe it’s nothing at all. Kids in this dorm don’t exactly need to look for a reason.

I’m sipping on Corona and Koda’s at my side, already pleasantly smashed. He’s good at this – good at totally erasing his mind for the night and waking up without a hangover. I don’t know how he does it.

I glance at him. His eyes are glazed over and he’s staring at nothing in particular, his shaggy brown hair still a damp mess from a rushed shower.

“Man, you might wanna slow down,” I joke.

He doesn’t respond, just gives me a sly smile.

Koda was one of my first friends on campus. We knew each other as kids, but never hung out before now. I ran into him during training week before the rest of the students arrived on campus because we’re both on the soccer team. I had no idea we’d end up at the same university. 

“Enjoy the party, Nick,” Koda says to me. “Stop looking so sour.”

“I’m not,” I argue.

“What are you thinkin’ about, then? Samantha?”

He knows me too fucking well.

“Too bad she’s a damn lesbian,” Koda adds.

Samantha is my ex. We were an item for two years before she came to the realization that she doesn’t even like men. It makes me wonder where her mind was each time we screwed. We decided to go to the same university before she told me. Now we’re stuck seeing each other all the time and it sucks.

“Yeah, too bad,” I mumble back.

“Don’t worry about it too much,” Koda insists dismissively, patting me forcefully on the shoulder. It’s his way of telling me to get over it. “I’m going to get another drink. Want?”

I shake my head and tell him I need to get something from my room. I’m lucky the party is being hosted in one of the quads in my dorm building. My own room is only three floors up, so it’s easy to dip out.

I take the stairs two at a time and reach my door quickly. I leave it unlocked because I don’t really have anything worth stealing–nothing out in the open, at least.

Tyler is out and I’m relieved. Tyler is my roommate and a business major. He mostly hangs out with my cousin Corinne, but it gets suffocating when we see too much of one another. Sometimes I need to be left alone. He probably feels that way, too.

I close the door behind me and saunter over to my dresser, rifling around in my sock drawer. I find what I’m looking for, digging out a plastic baggie. I lean down and snort, bringing the powder to my nose and inhaling sharply. I wince, squeezing my nostrils and sniffling.

I head back downstairs after a few minutes and by now, Koda is chatting with a group of people. They’re people I know, too, but that isn’t interesting to me right now. I look for an unfamiliar face. First one I spot is a pale, thin guy with red hair and freckles. I head straight for him.

He eyes me as I make my way over and puts a hand on his hip, like he’s expecting something. Maybe I’m being too obvious here.

“Hey, there,” I greet him with a grin.

“Hi,” he responds in a voice that’s deep and cold. It sounds like he wants me to keep my distance, but that doesn’t sway me.

“What’s your name?”

“Gabe.”

“I’m Nick,” I introduce myself. “Why you standin’ around here all alone?”

“Lost my friends,” he answers.

“Aw, that’s too bad. Guess you’ll just have to hang out with me then.”

Gabe blinks slowly, but doesn’t reply. I guess he doesn’t think I’m funny.

“Uh, who are your friends?” I ask, deciding to go another route and try to be helpful instead. “Maybe I saw them?”

“I thought we were hanging out.”

Jeez, this guy…

“Yeah,” I say in an attempt to recover. “I have nothing else going on, so yeah!”

We wander into the shared kitchen. It’s crowded with people. Gabe picks a beer can off the counter. It’s open and I doubt it’s his, but he drinks from it slowly and leans against the wall, staring me straight in the eyes. It’s uncomfortable and for a moment, I don’t know what to do. I feel jumpy. I want to move around, but there are too many people here.

“So, what are you studying?” I ask in a vain attempt to make conversation.

“Don’t know. We’re only freshmen.”

I laugh awkwardly. “Yeah, me neither…”

The silence is rough. It’s dumb, but it intimidates me. I find noise, sound and constant conversation to be much more comforting. I’m extroverted, but I have no idea what to say to this guy and I’m not sure why.

Gabe stares right through me. He looks completely apathetic. When he’s finished the drink, he sets it back down and then continues to eye me.

“So, what now?” he asks expectantly. “Want to go to bed?”

“Well, that’s forward.”

“I’m bored. I want to do something.”

I begin to wonder exactly what the fuck I’ve gotten myself into… but since I’m in one of those moods, I say sure, and we head to my room. My roommate is still missing in action. Lucky me. The last thing I need is for him to catch me experimenting. I’d never live it down.

I lock my door for the first time in my life and sit on my bed. Gabe starts unbuttoning my pants, looking like he doesn’t give a fuck. Maybe he does this kind of thing a lot.

I should probably feel shyer than I do, but I’m pretty messed up right now. Plus, Gabe is acting so confident and it makes me want to keep up with him.

He pulls out my dick and puts his mouth around it right away. To be honest, it doesn’t feel great. I’m not sure if that’s because there was no buildup or because I’m just not into men. I guess, realistically, it could just be because I’m high. So, it takes me a while. He’s probably as fucked up as I am, so maybe he doesn’t mind that this is lasting forever. I close my eyes and try to think about something that might turn me on more than my current situation, but nothing really comes to mind.

When I finally cum, it’s not even a good orgasm. It just makes me feel cheap and deflated. It’s sobering.

I tuck myself back into my pants and before I can get an awkward word out or attempt to reciprocate, the door swings open and Tyler is standing with his key in hand. He looks annoyed.

“What is it?” I ask, trying not to sound irate.

“Your friend is barfing everywhere,” he states flatly.

“Which friend?”

And why am I the one who has to deal with it?

“The one on your soccer team I see you with,” Tyler mumbles, entering the room. “Hey, Gabe.”

I guess they know each other. Great.

“Koda?” I wonder aloud.

“Mmm, yeah, that’s his name.”

“Well, where is he?” I scowl. Tyler could have at least brought Koda up with him.

“Hogging the bathroom in the quad. People are getting pretty fed up.”

I roll my eyes. “Alright, I’ll be right back… Uh, it was nice to meet you, Gabe.”

Gabe nods, but doesn’t respond. God, I hope he’s gone by the time I get back.

I run downstairs and, sure enough, a number of pissed off looking students are lined up outside the door.

“Excuse me, sorry,” I say as I squeeze past. “You know there’s a bathroom down the hall, right?

A few of the bystanders groan, but thankfully most of them disperse. I give the bathroom a tap once things quiet down.

“Hey, how’s it going in there?” I ask.

“S’bad,” I hear Koda mumble back.

I crack open the door and see him resting the side of his head on the toilet seat. His eyes are closed and he doesn’t acknowledge me as I slip into the room.

“Wow, I’ve never seen you blowing chunks before!” I joke, crouching down beside him. “You got the spins?”

“Yes,” he says tersely, then sniffles a bit and I don’t know if it’s because he’s drunk or upset. Either way, it’s not a happy sight. I’m a sucker for crybabies, but Koda isn’t one, so all of this feels out of place.

“You’ll be alright,” I say, trying to sound calming or soothing.

He always is, but I guess this time it’s different because he’s at a whole new level of trashed.

He doesn’t say anything. He just blinks slowly and stares off into space. I inch closer and rub his back.

“Why’d you get so drunk?” I ask. “That’s unlike you. Did you just forget how much you had?”

“I’unno,” he slurs. A few tears slip out and I feel my guts twisting around. He looks so out of it. “Ugh, I wish I were dead.”

“No, you don’t. You’re just drunk.”

I rise to my feet and then help him stand. He wipes his chin with a piece of toilet paper and flushes away the evidence of his indiscretion. He sways back and forth as he inches towards the sink and he bends low, rinsing his mouth out. When he’s set, I walk him back to my room. He can stay with me tonight. I’ll get him some water to sip on or something.

Thankfully, I see that Gabe has vacated by the time we return. That would’ve been an awkward one to explain. Tyler is gone, too – probably back at the party.

I rummage through my dresser until I find two pairs of sweatpants. “Here, you can borrow these,” I say, tossing the clothing onto my bed where he’s seated. They’ll be a bit big on him, but that’s fine. 

Koda stares at me dully for a second before standing up and stripping down to his boxers. 

“Thanks,” he tells me a moment later once he’s redressed.

I wish there were a way for us both to squeeze into my bed comfortably, but it’s a tiny twin-size. So, I pull out the futon and say, “You can have the bed.”

He doesn’t protest. He doesn’t say anything at all. He just flops onto the mattress unceremoniously as I set myself up on the floor for the night. 

I fill Koda a glass of water, setting it down. Hopefully this will help, even if it’s just a little bit.

With that, I finally change into my pyjamas and lie down.

Hopefully Koda isn’t hung over in the morning.