This trip could be both a catastrophe and the most important moment of my life. Our arrangement was odd to say the least. My parents were already there, as they were terrified of what the oldest Allard might mean by news. So Theodore offered to drive us there, together for hours on end.

Lily refused to enter the backseat. No one protested; in the end, she lost a game she didn't even know she was part of.

I took it all in: the noises becoming quieter, the strong pine smell, tiny villages populated by even tinier numbers of inhabitants. Entire lives and histories, we were only part of for a blip of a second. Our messy and confusing lives, fated to never cross theirs.

Maybe it was for the best as I initiated multiple attempts at conversations between Leon and Cadie, resulting in screaming matches. All of them ended with Theodore threatening to drive into a ditch if they didn't stop.

Lily seemed to not mind any of this as she gave a four-hour presentation of her life story and positive attributes. Cadie and I endorsed her with casual comments of encouragement. Some of those made me uneasy. Leon knew, did he not? Oh, God.

Theodore nodded profusely, probably too engulfed in his first time driving on a highway. Nervously asking everyone if it was alright. Spoiler alert: it was not. Despite all this, we also laughed a lot, and Cadie responded politely to Leon one time. Lily went hauntingly silent at the entrance that led to the country house. And for the finale, Theo let out a profound sigh.

There we were, that same golden light shining through those wheat fields. At a loss, I asked the empty space how I was supposed to feel.

Mom. Would you expect me to smile? I apologise but I will refrain. Holding on to the promise we made with your eyes full of joy. That all you needed was my smile, and you would always be there. So I don’t, to keep you in a “Schrödinger's state.” Despite my ramblings, I am not all that different from Grandma. In this state of ambiguity, your hair remains superior to this golden sunset.

Perceiving myself as small and powerless. Can you help me through these feelings? Directly beneath that place looming above.

“Harriet!” I heard my aunt-turned-mother. A tangible one, more motherly than a ghost I sorely miss. “Have you been sleeping well?” She asked, gulping.

“As well as I can,” I answered honestly. She could tell either way.

“Grandma is alright… So if you want to go home-”

“I made up my mind to face this head on.” I probably should not mention Cadie or the deal we all made about my parents. My aunt knew my mother as her sister before I even existed… It must be difficult.

“Alrighty! Then I should mention that the Olives are here. You used to play with their kids so well…” She barely concealed a grin as she attempted to nonchalantly say that.

“Oh please, honey! You are so obvious,” Uncle added.

“Right? Her face says it all!” I grinned, reaching out for a hug.

She welcomed me in her arms but not without adding a snarky remark, “They grew up to be fine adults. Either way, give them a chance.”

I giggled harder, resembling a tall child in her embrace, and my auntie seemed to relax after that. “Sure. Why not?” I lowered my voice. “What do they say about that floor?”

My uncle looked behind him as if a ghost would appear. “The same as usual.”

“Dears, if you are about to badmouth me, at least enter my home before you do it.” She shot a harsh gaze towards her daughter and son-in-law. I turned towards her, preparing my greetings, but Grandma's eyes that fixated on me were unkind.

“Harriet. You-” Grandma visibly noticed her expression, fixing it to the usual one. “Enter. Your room is ready.” She stormed inside, running out of sight.

***

Leon and Lily immediately installed themselves in their respective bedrooms, like they had never left. I also rushed to deposit my belongings, envying their ease. Theodore and Cadie seemed to be missing. Did Grandma say something to them?

Later. I will ask them later. “My bedroom” felt spacious, far from the safe and cosy box back in the city. This house seemed to me unlike reality, resembling a portal I had traversed, someplace else. A voice inside told me: “You are not welcome.”

Setting foot into a fairy-tale, it felt like a princess chamber forgotten in this nowhere place. And I had fallen from a black hole and ended up here; after all, I was not suited for such stories.

I fell flat on the perfectly made bed. Balancing between the urge to stay in outside clothes or be a healthy, functional person. As my mind flooded with pesky dark clouds, the bed sunk into the shape of my body. Hours of almost falling asleep or minutes at a time turned into giving up.

I scooped my bunny-shaped slippers from my bag, not caring for the mess of clothes left. Rapidly, I was out of the door, with the sneaking ability to not wake up a large family while drinking water at night. 

Soon my feet found themselves in an unfamiliar mansion’s garden. It seemed dreamy, so well-kept that even the leaves and rocks appeared to be beautifully placed. Different from any distorted memory in my earliest memories, estranged from myself.

The fresh air lessened a headache I had been festering, and everything felt peaceful. Following a path made from minuscule pebbles led to a strange structure, which upon closer inspection was a fountain. In the centre stood some goddess with a deer-like animal. Moss grew in unflattering places; it was a decrepit monument of time, amongst well-groomed vegetation.

Why was that? Inspecting my surroundings, there was no rhyme or reason for this contrast.

Then I heard footsteps. "Lilian? What are you doing here? It's a little late, don't you think?" said a calm male voice. His chuckles resonated through the night.