“Hey there, are you suffering from an existential crisis now?” Zayden snaps his thumb and index finger in front of my eyes.

“Huh?” I utter and redissolve into gloominess.

We keep walking for a while before I remember to ask where we are headed. 

“Nowhere for the time being. We will find a place tomorrow after the funeral.”

I halt dead in my tracks.

“Then why are we just wandering aimlessly?”

“I was trying to figure out how I should break the news to you that we have to spend the night on the streets.”

I stare at him dumbfounded and then frown.

“Just find a back alley. I want to go somewhere dark.” I resume walking. 

“Isn't your head dark enough, already?”

“I would appreciate it if you went back to addressing me formally. Mike spoke too lightly of you.”

He gives a hollow laugh. “But Lezim Nahian, you don't hold any formal status to me anymore. From now onwards, you can choose to be a coward, a hooligan, a hoodlum, an activist or a politician. It doesn't concern me, but until the day you return to your home, you are just a runaway. A runaway like me.”

“Honestly, if I didn't know about you, I would believe you are going to murder me.”

“But you don't. You only know the lies. I don't have a real identity. I have multiple personalities, multiple histories and multiple stories to act out. Nobody knows me and it's too late for me to even try. I am just a lowly spy, who lived so far only to survive. However, survival doesn't matter to me any longer. I have a personal purpose now.”

“Is this some sort of a sinister criminal confession?”

“Maybe. Maybe you will refuse to come along with me tomorrow after you hear this, maybe you will turn me in, tell your Dad about it all, but I am tired of the facade now. My last duty as I already mentioned is to protect you while you are away from your home, but if you choose to stay at home after this, I will be indebted to you. I will resign anyways though. I will submit my resignation tomorrow before we or I leave, after the funeral.”

“Why will you be indebted to me?”

“I was a spy in your family. I don't know who it was that I was working for, it wasn't exclusive. I just had no choice. My parents were abducted by strangers or so I was told. I never came across any leads; neither names nor locations, not even any shady codewords. The only way I was in contact with them was through phone calls. And there were few of even those. I was eight when my parents disappeared and I never saw them again. I approached and got into your family like I was instructed to, I even helped them kidnap you from school. Your Dad found out too soon and notified the police, the news spread like wildfire amongst the higher class. He wanted the investigation to be secret but somehow successfully managed to get word to those people, and they released you. But in return, they took that fury out on my parents. They killed them, or so I was told. After that, they cut all connections with me. I felt like I had nowhere to go, no purpose, no family, that I was completely alone. I felt so lost and upset, I ended up spilling the truth to Jasser. As I told you, we were good friends. In fact, he was like a brother to me. I expected him to lash out at me, to have me beaten and kicked out if not any worse, but instead he said he wouldn't tell anyone about it. That I could consider his home mine as well. I asked him why he was so lenient, understanding and forgiving with the person who had sold out his brother. He said that he knew I had no choice, that on the contrary I was someone to feel sorry for, someone to be welcomed and loved. I couldn't believe him for a while but I settled down. I have never trusted anyone since then but because of how kind Jasser and Mr Nahian were to me, I decided to train to be a bodyguard and to protect your family as best as I could. It was actually Jasser who recommended Mr Nahian to let me guard you, last month, when he started considering allotting you a bodyguard. I felt that I could finally get rid of the guilt, finally atone for my wrongdoings.”

“So, you aren't actually Mr Namar’s son?”

Zayden shakes his head, rummaging in his pockets, and brings out a passport size, black and white photo. 

It is a picture of Namar Alyan, one of the closest bodyguards of Dad's who was allegedly assassinated in 2010. Soon after that, Zayden had shown up at our doorstep and claimed to have run away from his relatives because they were abusive. He had explained he was the son of Namar and that his father had told him to visit the address if he was threatened in any way, or was in any sort of danger. Dad had believed him and let him stay. 

Now, his confession unfolds that he actually came to us on a mission of espionage but later turned loyal. And yet again he has decided to resign and pursue an altogether different motive.

He is right about not trusting anyone. I don't trust him and yet I walk side by side with him. I realise, it's because life doesn't appeal to me currently, I feel unafraid of death, and unfazed by whatever life wants to throw at me.

“No, I am not. I am Zayden Nael and no one else, although the title doesn't mean much.”

“Alright, thanks I guess, for letting me know.”

Zaden stops to stare at me for a minute, bewildered, awestruck and blank.

“Aren't you shocked or intimidated by the fact that you are walking with someone who was a traitor, betrayed your family and might stab you in the back again. Don't you feel alienated? Aren't you…scared of me?”

“Your revelation also states that now I bear the weight of not two but possibly five deaths on my conscience. Isn't it amusing?”

“But it’s not true! You didn't assassinate anyone, you were barely involved in all of this mess and if I hadn’t dragged you into it, your life would have been normal and perfect. Do you not hold me accountable for that?”

“Well, if you are liable for an act you were forced to commit, then I stand under similar conditions and the deaths which have occured just because of my refusal to present myself to the unknown party in question are clearly held in my account. The difference is just that you did what you were coerced into, whilst I didn't do what I was asked to do until they put their warnings into practice. We were both being selfish but in self-defence. This alone frees us of criminal offence and lawful circumstances but the darkness inside of me and whatever you have been feeling for the past few years internally, are subjected by nothing other than guilt.”

“You shouldn't put so much faith into your thoughts or consider trusting me.”

“I do neither but I think we will be walking the same path, whether we want to or not.” I shrug.