Helian and the Baron’s Bastard (1)

“So then my Susanna - I still can't believe it - she punched the judge in the face so hard his glasses cracked! He spent so long comatose that they had to reassign the case and it ended up being dismissed due to a lack of evidence. Oh, that's the ministry there on the right, you can let me off here!”

As our particularly tedious ride neared its end, we approached an office building on a side street near the university. Theodore gestured for me to halt, and as we stopped he leaped down from my side and began to unload his bags from the coach, shouting up to me as he did so.

“Thank you so much for the aid once again, milady! I can scarcely imagine what would have happened to me without you! If you’re ever in any sort of trouble, just ask for Theodore here at the agriculture ministry and I’ll do anything I can to repay you!”

“Can I leave this thing here? I don’t exactly have anywhere to park it.”

He nodded. “Sure, I’ll have it dealt with! Do you need a place to stay? If so, ask for Bartold at the Seven Arms - he’ll give you a proper discount if you mention my name!”

------

The administrative exam occurred bi-monthly in the city closest to our home, and spanned a week. It was a mix of written essay sections and multiple-choice questions across basic arithmetic, logic puzzles, bookkeeping, and regulations administered each morning while exams were hand-graded in the evening.

Due to the kingdom’s lack of a public education system, a typical applicant would attempt the exam multiple times before they were finally able to pass. Between the difficulty, application fees, and the cost of staying in a local inn, this ensured that most successful applicants were nobles.

At the end of the third day of exams, one of my desk mates struck up a conversation.

“What’s your secret?”

“What do you mean?”

“You breezed through the arithmetic problems. I’ve taken this exam twice now and I haven’t seen anyone finish it as quickly as you. Is there a trick to it?”

“Oh… just practice. I started learning arithmetic when I was young.”

“I guess there aren’t any shortcuts, then. I’ll just have to keep studying.”

“If there’s any part you’re struggling with, I’d be happy to explain it. Would you like to get some tea together? My name is Helian, by the way.”

“That sounds fantastic. I’m Marie. Oh, and this is my brother, Evan.”

Marie gestured towards the quiet young man sitting next to her, and he nodded politely.

“Pleasure to meet you, miss. Would it be a problem if I joined you two?”

“Not at all. Nice to meet you, Evan.”

------

The three of us settled down at a table in a local café and chatted while we waited to order. I had chosen this location out of habit, as XXXXX and I visited it any time we came to the city. This made it difficult to push those memories out of my mind. 

After a long time had passed, I glanced over at the main counter to see two wait staff standing nervously as an older man (the manager?) conversed with a group of well-dressed young men. 

Ah, the café incident. The flow of the story had already begun.

“Marie, Evan… You should probably get going.”

“What do you mean, Helian?” Marie asked as she and her brother stared at me in confusion.

“There’s going to be trouble, and it’s best if you aren’t involved.” I gestured towards the group at the main counter.

“Are you certain?”

I nodded. “Yes. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay... I’ll see you later. Be safe.” Marie stood up and tugged on Evan’s sleeve.

“What? But we just got here,” Evan mumbled in confusion, before Marie shushed him and dragged him away, leaving me alone at our table with a stack of menus and three glasses of water.

Even if they came from a noble family, it wouldn’t be good for the siblings to draw the ire of a pack of irritable shitheads. I took a breath and steeled myself for what came next.

“Hey, move it.”

I calmly took a sip of water and glanced at the man staring down at me.

“Can I help you?”

“This table’s reserved, so get lost.”

“I didn’t realize. They must’ve forgotten to put a sign here. I’ll move to another table.”

I picked up my water and handbag, then walked past him to a nearby table and moved to sit.

“Hey. That one’s reserved too.”

“Is that so? My mistake. I guess I should get going.”

The man’s friends blocked my path to the exit.

“Look, missy. You should know better than to barge into a reserved event space!”

“Yeah, it’s rude. You should know your place.”

I shrugged. “It wasn’t reserved when I got here. But I don’t mind leaving.”

As I edged my way past the two, the ringleader put his hand on my shoulder.

“I changed my mind. Have a seat and join us.”

The young man guided me back to our original table and sat down opposite me. His two companions grabbed chairs from another table and placed them down on either side of mine.

Once they were seated, the ringleader beckoned one of the waitstaff over.

“Um… what would you like to order?”

He paused for a moment, then turned to me. “What would you like?”

“Black tea, please.”

The waitress flinched as he looked back at her. “We’ll have a bottle of rosé.”

“Right away, my lord.” She glanced at me briefly and then fled the table.

Kind of boring as far as bullying strategies go, but I expect it works on most girls he meets.

He nodded towards his companions, and as prompted, they moved their chairs closer until our shoulders were nearly touching. Even though I knew nothing would come of it, I couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated.

“So, young lady, what brings you to my territory today?”

He wasn’t much older than me, though as he’d grown quickly and inherited his father’s height, you could hardly tell. “My territory” implied the barony was his (though he’d yet to inherit it), but if he was accused of undermining his father’s authority, he could claim it referred to the café he had rented.

“I’m here for the administrative exams.”

“Oh, that’s quite admirable. Women like you usually don’t hold such lofty aspirations, let alone achieve them. Do you suppose you’ll pass?”

“I intend to, at least.”

“That’s the right attitude to have. You shouldn’t get your hopes up, since you never know what could happen… the quotas could be reduced, or a mistake could be made during grading. You could even fall sick and miss an exam entirely. Such things are known to happen.”

His companions chuckled on either side of me. Well, these threats didn’t mean much, since excluding me would require shrinking the quotas to nothing. That, and I didn’t plan on giving him my name. Perhaps he intended to get me blackout drunk and ruin my exam scores with a hangover? In that case, good luck.

The waitress returned carrying a large bottle of wine, along with four empty glasses on a serving tray that she could barely hold steady. You can do it, honey. Just take a deep breath.

“Would you like me to pour your drinks, my lord?”

“No thanks. I’ll handle it.”

The waitress placed our glasses down in front of us and then bowed after leaving the bottle in front of the ringleader. He removed a large multipurpose knife from his pocket and used it to uncork the bottle in a swift, violent motion. Oh, you’ve got a temper, don’t you?

He proceeded to fill his glass halfway and then fill mine to the very top before handing the bottle to one of his companions, so they could pour their own drinks. This was to be a drinking competition.

“Let’s begin our new friendship with a toast, shall we?” He lifted his glass into the air and gestured in my direction.

I nodded and raised my glass to match his. “A toast… to the bright future of the baron’s noble lineage.”

I felt his companions flinch on either side of me. This was a sore subject, and he would vent his frustration on them later. 

He narrowed his eyes and laughed. “To the baron’s noble lineage indeed! A fine sentiment.” He emptied his glass in one go, then gestured for us to do the same.

Our impromptu drinking party continued through the afternoon and into the evening, with a brief interruption for dinner (though his companions were barely coherent enough to eat). When he wasn’t regaling us with tales of his wit or physical prowess, he tried to coax personal information out of me, like my name or hometown. I refused, naturally, since it wasn’t yet time for him to know those details.

In any case, the end of this incident was within sight. By this point, he was clearly tipsy, and the others were napping on the table and the floor respectively. (When lackey #2 passed out and toppled off his chair, I couldn’t help but laugh. At least lean onto the lady you’re meant to intimidate, you chump.)

“I must confess… I underestimated you.”

I did my best to feign surprise. “Oh? How so, my lord?”

“I hadn’t expected such a monster hidden in…” he hiccupped. “… a frail visage like yours.”

I smiled. “Don’t feel bad. You’re not the first person to mistake a beast for livestock.”

He grinned and drowsily responded, “I’ve always wanted to tame a beast…” before collapsing face-first onto the table. I was able to grab his glass before he landed on it – the last thing I needed was to be accused of injuring a noble’s face. In any case, my role was complete, so I excused myself and headed to the counter with the half-finished bottle of wine in tow. I could finish it off in my room to calm my nerves before bed, and try to forget it was her favorite kind.

The waitress regarded me with shock. “Um… will you be settling the check?”

“Oh, heaven forbid. My companions will probably leave without paying, so you can send the bill to Baron Rydberg. Just note that his son visited and you’ll be paid promptly.” I reached down to add a tip to the bill’s total – 80% ought to be enough, I think – and smiled. 

I looked back at the baron’s now–unconscious son. You’re twenty years too early to out-drink me, kid.

She glanced over at the table and then back to me. “Okay… should I… do anything else?”

“You may want to close up and head home before they wake. They’ll be sore and irritable, for certain. Perhaps they’ll learn something from this? In any case, you did well.”

She nodded and walked over to open the entrance for me. “Thank you very much, madam. Please be safe as you head home.”

Well, that wasn’t too bad. I can get through this.