Kit’s POV

“Kit? Are you okay?”

“I need to talk to Roland.” I expect Mary to sigh. I expected her to hang her head and tell me no before hanging up the phone and if I was lucky she would get Andrew to call me soon after but the sound of her chair scraping and her all but running to the door made my heart soar.

“Okay,” she said, her breaths quickening as she ran. “I’m going to him right now. Are you safe? What’s going on?”

“I just need to talk to him,” I said, tears still streaming down my face as I tried to read the list in front of me even though the tears that collected on the page made it nearly impossible to see anything. “Please just let me talk to him.”

“I’m almost there, I promise. Can you take a deep breath for me? You’re panicking and I don’t want you to spiral. Is anyone home with you right now?”

“Anthony,” I said with a small shrug, not understanding why she asked as I tried to force a deep breath through my lungs.

“Can you go to him please? Just so I know that someone is there in person to look out for you.”

I pulled the phone away from my ear just long enough to yell Anthony’s name before pressing it back to my ear. I heard him long before I saw him. His footsteps crashed through the apartment before the door slammed open and he stood there looking me over quickly.

“Are you bleeding? Is there blood on you? Because I can handle that but I need to prepare myself first before we dive in,” he said far louder than he needed to. He looked like he had been asleep for hours before I got him but that quick yell was enough to get him up. His clothes were ruffled and his hair was a mess as he leaned against the door as he tried to get the sleep out of his brain. Despite him only being here for a few minutes, he looked just as panicked as I felt.

“You’re bleeding,” Mary all but screeched in my ear. “Are you safe? Do I need to call someone for you? Andrew is only a few minutes away, I could get him there so fast if that’s what you need.”

“I’m not bleeding,” I told them both, working hard to keep my breath even as we all fed off of each other’s panic. Anthony came to sit in front of me, taking my head in his hands and tilting it side to side, looking for some sort of damage.

“What’s going on,” he asked as he moved to my chest, lifting my shirt to make sure nothing that was hurt was hiding. “Are you okay? What do you need from me?”

“I want a joint so fucking bad right now,” I admitted to both of them. Mary sucked in a harsh gasp as she ran faster while Anthony’s panic seemed to disappear in seconds as he pulled me into his chest. His hands went to play in my hair as he did his best to rock us back and forth.

“It’s okay,” he soothed. “You did good. You came home and that must have been so hard. I’m so proud of you. You’re doing great, take a deep breath in and let it out.”

Tears quickly collected on his shirt as I clung to him as much as I could while still keeping the phone to my ear.

“You’re sure you don’t need me to call Andrew,” Mary asked. “I can leave my phone with Roland and run back to the office to call Andrew. I know he won’t mind.”

“Who are you talking to,” Anthony whispered in my other ear. 

“Mary. She wants to call Andrew.”

“Tell her yes,” he said as he stopped rocking. 

“I have you and I’m about to have Roland. I’ll be fine.”

“Kit, I love you but I am not a professional and Roland can only do so much over the phone. You need to let her call Andrew so he can come help when Roland eventually goes to bed.” I sighed. I knew he was probably right but I didn’t want to bother him. Andrew has already helped so much and calling him in the middle of the night was just too much.

“I’m fine,” I insisted. Mary nodded and Anthony sighed.

“Kit, I am not prepared to help you out of this,” he said slowly as he pushed me away just far enough to make me look him in the eyes. “I don’t feel like I have the tools to talk you out of this or make you feel better.”

“You did it at rehab.”

“You couldn’t walk out the door and find a dealer in rehab,” Anthony pointed out with a stern glare. “Have her call Andrew or I will find the number for that camp and make her call him.” 

“Anthony wants you to call him,” I sighed as I pressed my body back into his chest.

“Okay, I’ll drop my phone off with Roland and then call him on the office phone.” I didn’t have time to answer before her knocking on the cabin door slipped through the phone.

We all held our breath as we waited for him to answer the door. When he didn’t immediately open up she banged again and called his name. It took several minutes but I sighed when I heard the door open. 

“What time is it,” Roland whined. I pictured him in that moment. His brown hair would be wild and he would have a cute glaring pout on his lips. He would be wearing his usual sleep clothes and rubbing his eyes as he tried to wake up.

“Kit needs to talk to you,” she said as she handed over the phone. Roland didn’t say anything at first, probably trying to collect his thoughts as he watched Mary run off to the office without a good explanation.

“Hello,” he whined as he closed the door and the springs of the bed groaned as he laid back down. I could tell he was still mostly asleep and probably had every intention of going back to bed. “What’s going on?”

“I needed to talk to you,” I said, trying to force the tears out of my voice but I knew I failed at the way he sat up in the bed.

“What’s going on,” he asked again, this time the sleep in his voice was nowhere to be found. “Are you okay?”

“No,” I admitted because this was Roland and I couldn’t lie to him. “I had a bad day. Like a really bad day. I want to relapse so bad right now.”

“Do you want to talk about it,” he asked and I could tell he was balling up on his bed as Anthony continued to play with my hair. I leaned into my friend and thanked whatever higher power was out there that sent these people to me.

“I think I want to hear you talk right now,” I admitted. “I’ve missed you so much and I think just hearing you talk will help a lot right now.”

“Okay,” he said with a small nod. “I’m not good at talking though, that’s usually your job,” he said and even though his voice didn’t give any hint that he was teasing, I could all but see the way his lip twitched as he tried to make a joke. “What do you want me to talk about?”

“Have you been back into the shop lately,” I asked, still working to keep my breath even as my panic slowly lessened just knowing that Roland was here and talking to me and not disappointed or mad at me for thinking about my vices. He wasn’t going to break up with me and that mattered more than anything else.

“That car is kicking my ass,” he sighed. “I spent literally all day yesterday in there with Andrew and I still can’t figure out why the hell that thing won’t start. The damn key will barely turn over and the engine doesn’t even sputter. I just don’t get it.”

“Isn’t that the starter,” I asked because that was one of the only things he managed to teach me while I hung out with him as he fixed things up.

“I thought it was at first and then I took it out just to get a better look at it and it’s literally brand new. The guy before me must have thought that was the problem too but apparently not.” I hummed as I listened to him talk about cars, not really listening to his words but his voice alone soothed me and Anthony continued to rock and play with my hair. 

I was thankful for the call and for Anthony but it wasn’t the same. I wanted my boyfriend. I wanted to be in Roland’s arms as he talked to me and we laid down before going to sleep. I wanted to see his facial expressions and feel his breath in my ear when he chuckled at the stupid jokes I made.

“I miss you,” I said, completely cutting off whatever he was talking about. 

“I miss you too,” he sighed as he leaned farther into the bed. “The cabin feels so small and there’s no one to talk to. I don’t like it.”

“It’s not like you really talked to me while I was there,” I teased and I could almost see the blush on his cheeks.

“I talked to you.”

“Like four sentences a day.”

“It was more than that!”

“I think you’re making up those conversations in your head.”

“Or maybe you were half asleep when we had them.”

“You did have a thing about talking when I was trying to sleep,” I teased and he chuckled lightly. I yawned into Anthony’s chest and climbed into his lap to chase the warmth.

“You seem tired,” Roland noted with a yawn of his own.

“I always get tired after panic attacks,” I sighed and closed my eyes, trying and failing to fight the sleep.

“Have you been having a lot of panic attacks lately?”

“I mean I didn’t have any at camp and in my last few months at rehab I only had a few so I guess two in less than a week would be considered a lot compared to the last year of barely any.”

“You should probably get on meds for that,” he sighed.

“Andrew is on his way so I’ll tell him when he gets here.”

“I think you should be going to bed. It’s like three in the morning.”

“I should stay up for him,” I sighed, my eyes becoming more and more heavy by the second. “He’s going to be rushing over here, it feels rude to fall asleep before I talk to him.”

“You should go to bed,” Anthony sighed. “You need sleep. He would understand.”

“I’ll be fine,” I told both of them. “It’ll only be a few more minutes.” Anthony huffed as he picked me up with only a bit of strain before carrying me over to the bed and laying me down. I crawled up to my normal spot and he climbed in behind me. I gravitated to his warmth and in seconds I felt myself jumping awake as Roland began speaking again.

“I love you,” he said and I smiled.

“I love you too.” We were quiet for a while, just listening to the sound of our breathing. 

“I miss you.”

“I swear I miss you more.”

“That’s not possible.”

“I promise it is.”

“I think the fuel pump is broken,” he said after a while and the most I could do was hum. “It would make sense. If fuel can’t get to the engine it can’t start. What do you think?”

“I think that you know I know nothing about cars and will be zero help,” I mumbled into the phone then smiled. “I also think you’re talking to me again while I’m trying to sleep.”

“Well, do you want me to shut up,” he scoffed, sleep lacing his voice.

“I didn’t say that,” I said and Roland continued to talk about his car. Eventually sleep won out and I fell asleep listening to his voice while pretending that Anthony’s body was Roland.