Kit’s POV

Last night had been terrible. The panic attack was one of the worst I could remember h Kit’s POV

Last night had been terrible. The panic attack was one of the worst I could remember having. Even after talking to Roland, I woke up the next morning shaking and trying my best to not spiral into another attack.

When I finally got the courage to get out of bed, Andrew was sitting on my couch, sipping coffee and talking to Cody as if they had known each other for years. His clothes were ruffled and he still had imprints on his cheek from sleeping.

“Did you sleep here,” I asked him as I walked to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water.

“I did,” he said with a small, almost guilty smile. “I hope that’s okay. By the time I got here, you were already asleep. Cody let me in and said I could sleep here if I didn’t mind sleeping on the couch. I didn’t want to bother you while you were asleep but if you want to talk now, I have all day.”

“What about Roland?”

“I don’t have a session with him until tomorrow and Mary will be there until the office closes, probably later. He’ll be okay.”

“Do I need to leave,” Cody asked as he looked between Andrew and I. He was already starting to get up but I shook my head.

“You can stay,” I said with a shrug. “It’s nothing you haven’t already heard me talk about before.” He nodded and sat back down, bringing his knees up to his chin and watching me carefully.

“Where do you want to start?” Andrew asked as he leaned back and placed his cup on the table. 

“It had been a bad day,” I said with another shrug. “Tables were shitty, my tips tanked because the kitchen couldn’t do their jobs right, I got yelled at, and ended up being last cut even when I came in before everyone else. It was stressful and ever since smelling weed a few weeks ago, I’ve been craving it. Even mid-shift I thought about taking a break and hoping I could find a dealer real quick and just smoke one fast and keep going but it was so busy that I couldn’t. When I finally got to leave, I used the notecard you had me write. It didn’t really work. I mean, it got me home but it didn’t stop me from wanting it still. I called Mary and she let me talk to Roland. That helped the most but at that point, it was just a panic attack, weed was the last thing on my mind at that point.”

“That sounds like a very hard day,” Andrew said with a frown. “You said the list didn’t seem to help but it’s not meant to stop the craving, it’s meant to remind you of the reasons why you couldn’t go back. Did it seem to do that?”

“I guess,” I said with another shrug. “Talking to Roland and Anthony helped more. I think imagining their reactions is what made me panic. The thought of people being disappointed or hating me because of this is scary.” 

“So maybe instead of the list, next time you call someone. Instead of a ‘reminder list’ we have a ‘call list’. Your friends, me, Mary, when Roland leaves camp he can join the list. That way they can ensure you that they won’t hate you and they can keep you accountable.” I nod but I don’t really care anymore. I thought this was supposed to be easier now but I wanted to go back to camp. There was no stress there other than tests and with enough studying even that wasn’t bad.

“You can’t give up Kit,” Andrew said with a small sigh. “I know it’s hard but it’s just a change. You can get used to this, the stress will lessen as time goes on and then all of this will get easier. You can still make it through this. There will always be rough patches but as time goes on, they will happen less and less and you’ll know how to deal with them a bit better. Just hold on for a bit longer.”

“I can say that I’ll hold on all I want but there’s no guarantee that I will. I was so close to giving up last night Andrew. If Mary hadn’t let me talk to Roland or made me get Anthony, I don’t know what would have happened.”

“What are you feeling right now?”

“Empty,” I said honestly. “Like nothing really matters. I miss camp. Not just having Roland around constantly but things were easier there. Easier than rehab actually. I want easy again.”

Andrew frowned as he watched me closely. It felt like he was studying me and I wasn’t sure I liked it. I forced myself to look away from him and moved to Cody. This was probably the quietest he’d ever been. He was watching me with a pitiful smile that made me want to punch his shoulder.

“Should probably get on antidepressants. Probably also anxiety meds,” Cody said after a minute. I shook my head but he interrupted me before I had the chance to speak.

“Addiction gets worse when you are in a low,” Cody said like he was reading those words out of a book. It was the same phrase they told us at rehab but I didn’t want to hear it. “If you don’t have the dopamine to spare you go to a place where you know you can get it, whether that’s weed, drug, sex, or alcohol. If you already have the dopamine, then the cravings aren’t as bad. If you want to stop being tempted get the meds.”

“I don’t need meds.”

“You need something,” Cody scoffed.

“I think medication would be beneficial,” Andrew agreed. I glared at him but he just kept speaking. “Cody has a good point and there is no reason to suffer if you don’t have to. If you are against it then I won’t push for it but there is no problem with needing a bit of help. It doesn’t have to be long-term. We could do a few months then take you off to see how you feel. If it’s still hard we can try a few more months.” I bit my lip as I shook my head.

“And what happens when I become dependent on them and suddenly I’ve got a whole new addiction I have to deal with. It’s not worth it. I’ll get over it.”

“What would help you then,” Andrew asked. “I can’t leave knowing you’re down like this.” I shrugged and leaned farther into the seat.

“I just need to get my head right. Maybe go to the park or something. I’ll be alright.” Andrew didn’t look convinced as he stood up.

“I’m going to make a call real quick.”

“Then I’m going to take a shower.” I sighed as I stood up, gathered a few clothes, and stepped into the bathroom. 

The shower was long. It started out so hot that I could barely stand it but by the time I forced myself to get out, the water was ice cold and I still didn’t feel any better.

I stepped out of the bathroom and forced a fake smile on my face but that was quickly wiped away when I stepped back into the living room. My friends and Andrew were having a hushed conversation but the second I walked into the room, the conversation stopped and they all looked at me with guilty faces. 

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Cody said way too quickly. “Just talking to your nice therapist here.” Nathan slapped him in the back of the head.

“Don’t worry about it,” Anthony waved off. “How was your shower?”

“What were you talking about?”

“Why must you question us,” Nathan sighed. “Just leave it alone. If it’s important, you’ll know about it later.”

“If you were talking about me, I deserve to know.”

“We weren’t talking about you,” Cody said again, still looking guilty.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Then it’s a good thing that you don’t have to,” Nathan brushed off. “Andrew wanted to come with us to the skate park. Are you good with that?” I glared at all of them but when none of them caved after a few minutes I sighed and walked to the door and grabbed my board before walking out the door and waiting for them to follow.

The park was mostly empty and I was thankful for that. Andrew didn’t do anything other than watch and play on his phone but the rest of us barely stopped moving for more than a few seconds at a time. 

By the time we finally wrapped it up, all of us were sweating and our chests were heaving. I felt a bit better, not quite as empty as I had been before but there was still a pang of indifference hiding in my chest.

“You need a shower,” Nathan said as we began the short walk back to the apartment. 

“I think we all need a shower,” I teased and he smiled as he bumped my shoulder.

“So I take it you’re feeling better?”

“If ‘better’ means I don’t want a joint at this exact moment in time and I don’t feel numb then yes but if you’re asking if I’m at 110% yet then no.”

“It’s going to take time,” he said. “Just don’t give up. We’re here for you.”

“What were you talking about earlier with Andrew.”

“I told you not to worry about it.”

“Yeah, surprisingly that phrase doesn’t make me feel any better. If you were talking about me then I want to know.”

“What if I told you that it would be better if you didn’t know?”

“Still not helping.”

“Don’t overthink it. It’s a surprise and you’re going to like it. Just don’t ruin it for yourself. Forget about it, go take your shower, and Andrew is going to take you to the surprise alright?” I glared at him as I stepped into the apartment.

“What kind of surprise?” Nathan smacked me upside the head with a small glare.

“What did I just get done saying?”

“Fine,” I sighed. “But if I don’t like it, I’m blaming you.” I don’t give him a chance to reply before taking my second shower of the day.