A/N: HUGE TW, Self harm (bro why do I trigger myself) please click off if you don't want to read, this is not plot heavy so you can easily skip

I wasn't sure if Grace was serious or not, I didn't even think she knew my sexuality. Heck, even I didn't know my sexuality. Or maybe she just saw how we looked at each other...

Illuminated by the setting sun that peeked through the blinds, we pulled away from each other. I then saw Nick stand up as if to leave, which confused me. He hovered near the doorway, wrapping his fingers around the handle, so I interrupted him before I could hear the click. "Where are you going?" I asked. I patted the space beside me where I was sitting on the bed, too embarrassed to express my invitation verbally. I was initiating so much today, but nonetheless, I didn't regret my actions. At my gesture, Nick's eyebrows rose in surprise, but he cautiously walked back towards the bed. 

I still didn't really feel at home in this room, but somehow the room felt more like home with Nick there. "You can sleep here," I said, while my face heated up. Fuck, why was liking someone so embarassing? But Nick didn't say anything about my awkwardness, choosing instead to lie down on the bed next to me. He looked over at me, grinning, but not in that off putting way he usually did when he was trying to freak someone out. This was genuine, and it was beautiful.

But then he got up, again. This startled my insecurities into action before he said: "Um, Alex, I need to shower." I blushed harder that time. Fuck. So that was what his weird behaviour had been about. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Of course he needed to shower first, but I'd forgotten to pay attention to that as we had kissed even with all the muck on his face. I immediately started fussing over him.

"Are your lungs okay? Do you have trouble breathing? We should take you to the doctor tomorrow, just in case." He shook his head at that.

"I mean, I guess --- you just never know who knows here. I'd rather not risk it. Like, you knew I'm with the Ghosts, and you've been here less than a month."

"Maybe we can ask Grace, she's a nurse at least." He nodded slightly, indicating that he was okay with it. 

When I checked the time, I realised the water had been running for about an hour. I started to get worried that he had passed out in there, I didn't really know what his current condition was, even though he said he was fine. Maybe I was overthinking it.

"Nick?" I knocked against the door. No response. Maybe the sound of the water was too loud.

"Hey, Nick?" I heard the soft sound of sobbing, which made my heart race. It was understandable that he was crying as he'd just lost his home, but I was anxious to comfort him, anxious to know what was going on. 

I used a hairpin I found in the guest room to pick the lock. I didn't care if Nick was mad at me, the most embarassing thing I would find would be his naked body, and I wasn't about to judge him or anything.

He was curled up in a ball on the white fluffy mat with the shower still on. His naked body made him seem extremely vulnerable, and my eyes widened when I saw the blood flowing down his wrist and the razor discarded next to him.

For a second, I couldn't comprehend it. I felt like screaming. I felt like hitting something. I didn't know how to deal with this. I felt so awful for him, I couldn't even begin to imagine what he was feeling. We'd kissed moments ago, and it made me anxious that I had done something wrong, for I was in his presence on the day that this happened. I didn't know exactly what was going through his mind, but all I knew was that I wanted to flip through the pages of his mind and rip all the ones out that had hurt him, that had led him to do such a thing. He didn't deserve what had happened to him, and he didn't deserve to feel so powerless that he had to rip his own skin apart. 

He looked up at me, eyes boring into mine. When he spoke his voice was small, and all he said was: "Don't tell Grace, please." I didn't really know what to say. I hadn't thought about telling Grace. But I knew I would never betray him if he asked me not to tell her, it wasn't my right to tell her, so I would keep my mouth shut if that's what he desired.

"Did I...do something?" I was almost afraid to ask, scared of my worst fears coming true, scared of a yes. He shook his head aggressively, and a wave of relief rushed through my chest. And then I felt guilty that I was feeling some kind of positive emotion in this moment when he was suffering so much.

I didn't know what to do. What could I do?

So I verbalised that, crouching down to sit on the floor, to look at him from his level. 

"Nick," I whispered. "What can I do?"

"Just...just don't leave me right now. Just don't leave." 

"I can do that, easy." But I knew that there was one thing I needed to do first: clean his wound. The blood was sickening to look at, and blood had never made me particularly squeamish. It was the worst knowing where it had come from, rather than its existence. I scoured the cupboards for some disinfectant which I sprayed onto a cotton ball, and then rubbed it on his arm in what I hoped was a soothing motion.

I let Nick cry. "I wish I hadn't done that" he kept repeating, a sentiment which I echoed. "I wish I hadn't done that, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

"Hey," I grabbed his chin, making him look at me. "I wish you hadn't done that too, but you don't have to be sorry. It's not your fault."

Nick closed his eyes.

He cried some more. 

I helped him get his clothes back on.