Determined to be the best security guard, Lou sets out to secure the perimeter. First things first, the bricks on the wall should be sturdy. Lou gives the wall a strong kick. “Ya that’s what I thought, not real brick.” Examining the hole she left, she scoffs, “Everything’s made of cardboard these days.”

She drops down to check the sidewalk for cracks. You can never be too cautious. She learned that at the academy she made up in her head earlier when Buggy was on the phone talking like those women who work on the street, the ones that wear cute clothes and seem fearless coming up to random cars to make friends. A loud annoying sound coming from inside the shop, like techno beats amateur DJs make in their parent's basements, distracts her from her thoughts, “Oh crap! The internal security!”

Running into the shop she sees Tantrum and Buggy fighting. Pulling at each other’s hair and both trying to land a slap, they look like they got stuck together, which reminds Lou of the time a piece of chewed gum got stuck to Tantrum’s jean-clad butt. That makes Lou laugh. She loves gum humor and really any gum-type genre. She collects gum, something about the pink color and the bubble gum scent that lingers in the air brings her unimaginable joy. Not to mention bubbles, creating bubbles and popping bubbles. Truly there is no greater joy in the world.

Around Tantrum and Buggy are the remains of broken tanning lotion bottles that are now spilling onto the floor making it difficult to walk without slipping. Even the apothecary potions that Buggy got really into making last month were destroyed in the chaos. The shop carries a ton of useless crap; Lou knows because she's in charge of counting and putting out inventory. Her job is surprisingly difficult, even though people rarely purchase anything.

Lou had applied at Tan ‘n Bug because she showed signs of being a seer. She has grey eyes and has predicted weird things that happened: Like the time she knew her friend was about to fart after he made a borborygmus. Or when she grabbed napkins for a crying woman before the woman even asked. Not to mention all the déjà vu she’s experienced. However, she has found that fortune-telling isn’t one of her hidden talents. She can’t shuffle cards. Nor hear and see all the things that Tantrum and Buggy can. Those eardrops in her purse haven’t been helping her hearing either. Maybe it’s actually eye drops she needs. Thinking back to the angry customer they had earlier, she cringes. She didn’t mean to hurt the lady, she was just trying to help, but as the saying goes, ‘No good deed goes unpunished.’

Sighing, she finally snaps out of her daydreaming. She wants to be a good security guard even if that means protecting her bosses from each other. Stepping into the fray, she yells, “Stop fighting! You’re gonna mess up the voodoo doll display!” and rips her bosses apart. She hates touching the voodoo dolls, they give her the creeps. She gives the voodoo dolls the side eye and then immediately breaks eye contact.

Tantrum, breathing heavily, yells, “Buggy keeps trying to boss me around! She told me to help the customer, which I did because I couldn’t argue in front of them. But then she has the audacity to try and tell me how to do it! If she wants it done her way, she should get off her lazy bum and stop trying to use people like a capitalist!” Capitalism is a trigger for Tantrum. She brings it up a lot when the bills are due. Lou tries to be scheduled off during the first of the month because no one wants to find themselves in the middle of one of Tantrum’s tantrums. “Where were you Lousy?! Don’t think I forgot about your vanishing act. Buggy acts like she’s the high priestess when you aren’t around.” She kicks a display broom, and it falls and hits her back, “Ouch!”

While straightening her clothes, Buggy complains, “I was just giving you constructive criticism! That does not make it ok for you to throw things at me! Look at that Lou, she ripped my new jacket! This is a Hermaphrodite! Of course, Tantrum wouldn’t know what that means because she has no fashion sense! I mean look at that hideous bandana she insists on wearing. Dresses like she spends her evenings doing the hokey pokey for people with clown fetishes. Where did you even get that outfit? Decide to burn all our eyeballs by refurbishing an old circus tent into a cheap gypsy costume?”

Tantrum bristles and then smiles like one of those creepy voodoo dolls, “I think your outfit could use some more fashion sense. I’ll even help you!” She grabs the chalk paint they use for pentagram making and tries to dump it on Buggy, starting their fight up all over again.

Lou wonders what a Hermaphrodite is, must be an expensive clothing brand she has never heard of, maybe it’s a brand that makes clothes for hermaphrodites. She gives Buggy a curious look and reminds herself to plan a fundraiser for people like Buggy later.

Adding to the chaos, a sunburned woman runs past them out the doors mumbling something about this place being cheap but not worth dealing with a bunch of crackpots.

Lou runs past the customer planning to tackle Tantrum to stop the fight but instead, she slips on the spilled lotion and runs into both of her bosses. They all fall against the shop’s cabinet of curiosities. It tips over in slow motion. Causing their dried insects, turtle shells, shark teeth, baby teeth, spool of red thread of fate, ‘Tarot for Dummies’ book, a jar of toenail clippings, and magic 8 ball to fall over. Dust collects in the air causing Buggy to have a sneezing fit. Trying to help, Lou grabs a napkin from behind the front desk and accidentally hits some buttons on the computer’s keyboard.

Untangling herself from the red thread of fate, Tantrum yells, “Of course you make this all about yourself! Sneezing like you are some poor sick person. Well, I think your self-centrism is sick! And Lou, why did you go and knock everything over?! That’s not a mature way of getting our attention.”

Buggy finally stops sneezing and jokes, “I haven’t sneezed like that since I attended my first orgy and didn’t know I was allergic to the communal lube!”

Tantrum gags, “No one wants to hear about your filthy exploits!” Tantrum is a bit of a prude.

While they argue, Lou thinks of all the things she needs to do once she gets home from work; gotta add the gum she's collected today to her stash, put Sprite into the Britta filter to see what happens, and text her mom about her day. Perhaps today she should leave out the part where her bosses fought since her mom already despises them. Lou loves her mom, but she wanted to try being rebellious for a change, and working at this job was the closest she could get. She doesn’t even really need the money, her parents own a giant manufacturing company, making spaceships or something weird like that. Her parents are nerds she laughs out loud in her head.

Then suddenly the lights flicker, and all their hair starts floating in the air with a static energy effect. They all look at each other. Tantrum yells, “What’s going on?”

Buggy shrugs, “I’m sure it just the government messing with that 5G.”

Tantrum runs to their front desk computer to figure out what’s wrong and yells, “The tanning bed settings are all messed up!” She continues to fidget with the computer, “Somehow they got turned on high and have been on for too long.”

Lou's eyes widen. She thinks back to earlier when she grabbed a napkin for Buggy and accidentally hit some buttons on the keyboard. Trying not to panic she turns away and starts cleaning up because she has a horrible poker face. She learned that after her parents helped pay for her to get into the World Series of Poker (WSOP) when she went through her gambling phase like all 13-year-olds do.

Fortunately, Buggy points at Tantrum with an accusing finger and smugly says, “Hmph this happened because of your anger issues. Too focused on me, you didn’t pay attention earlier when you helped that customer and messed up all the settings!”

Tantrum rolls her eyes, “It's not a big deal, I'll just turn off the tanning bed and—­­­”  A loud boom interrupts Tantrum and has them all crouching down while covering their ears. It sounds like a giant bomb went off in one of the tanning bedrooms. In a matter of seconds, the explosion makes it to the front of the shop and hits them with a blinding white light.

As the light finally fades from their eyes Lou realizes they aren’t in Tan ‘n Bug anymore, instead of a dingy rental building, a vibrant forest of colors surrounds them. Not earthy but psychedelic neon green leaves and ultraviolet mushrooms. Looking around Lou realized they must be in a giant cave. The air is wet and tastes sweet but with a bit of tang, like sweet and sour sauce. It feels tropical like a rainforest, but the plants are too vivid, and the nature sounds are too soft.

Lou checks herself and her adventure buddies, Tantrum and Buggy, and sees that nothing but the clothes on their backs came with them. Lou lost one of her socks though. Wow, even crazy tanning bed malfunctions experience the washing machine’s sock disappearance phenomenon.