“Fah, I’m sorry.  I don’t remember you giving a sign last night. From now on, when you want to be with someone, you have to make it clear.”

“I did. I was very clear. I wasn’t the only one who saw me give you the sign.”

“Are you saying Mek saw you give me a sign? He didn’t say anything. If he knew you wanted to be with him, he didn’t mention it to me. Of course, once it became obvious you could barely walk, he might have changed his mind. Consent is a big thing; people don’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t able to think straight.”

“Mek saw my sign. You saw my sign. It was clear. I’m going to sleep now, I’m done talking.” Fah’s hurt feelings were morphing into anger. In his mind, he imagined himself rolling over and strangling Lom.

“Okay, but before we go to sleep, and because it will bother me for hours, what was the sign?”

“Lom, the sign was when I kissed you.” Fah sighed loudly and returned to facing the wall. 

“You kissed me to tell me you wanted to sleep with Mek? That makes no sense. Who would pick up on that?” Lom ran his hands through his hair, holding his hair back for a moment before finally releasing it.

Fah rolled over and lay flat on his back. Turning his head toward Lom he spoke as calmly as he possible. “Lom, no wonder Ton sent me to university and not you; you truly are a fucking idiot.” The veins in his neck were now prominent. 

Lom’s head snapped in Fah’s direction, nostrils flaring and eyes narrowing. “What did you say?"  

“I said you’re an idiot.”

“First, you know when Dad said that it pissed me off. I can’t believe you! Wasn’t it you who said how happy you were we were close again? Now you’re calling me an idiot? I’m leaving. It was wrong of me to worry about you last night and today. You can go to hell.” He got out of bed and stood, glaring at Fah.

“Lom, wait. You’re right, I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t think you’re an idiot, I’m just hurt.”

“Wait, what? How are you hurt?”

“The sign last night!”

“When you kissed me, yeah. What about it? I still don’t understand how that meant you wanted to be with Mek, but whatever...”

“That’s not what my kiss meant. See, I want to call you an idiot so badly right now, but not in the way Dad means it.”

“Why don’t you spell it out for me since I'm an idiot? I’ll try my best to follow along.” Lom stood next to the bed, his eyes narrowed, and his arms crossed.

“It was a sign to you…”

“Yes…”

“…that I wanted to sleep with you.” Fah’s face turned bright red, but he maintained eye contact. 

“Oh.” Lom sat down on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t catch that.”

“Yeah, I sort of figured.”

“But we’re brothers, we can’t... Dad... Also, you said there’s someone you’re interested in. Don’t you think sleeping with me and later bringing home some new guy would make things awkward? I have feelings too.”

“Lom…”

“Yes?” sighed Lom.

“You’re being an idiot again. Try to figure this one out on your own.” 

Lom remained quiet for a few minutes. Slowly he turned and faced Fah. “Are you saying that I’m the one…” he didn’t dare to finish the sentence.

“Yes.”

“When? Why didn’t you tell me?” Lom spoke calmly now. He was confused, flattered, embarrassed, and felt guilty all at once. 

“I didn’t realize I had feelings for you until the weekend you visited. After that, all I thought of was you. That’s why I went to the brothel. It embarrassed me to tell you. First, you shocked me when you told me about Somchoi. Then I realized okay, you’re gay and never told me, and you’ve been going to bars, so you’re probably experienced. I had never kissed anyone. I'm still mad you invited Mek to join us.”

“Mek is a great guy.”

“Yes, he is. He was my first kiss.” At this, Fah looked at Lom and sighed, his shoulders drooping. “I was trying to talk to you about something personal and you interrupted me to have a stranger join us. Then you sat in front of me flirting with him and kissing him!”

“You kissed him too!” Lom retorted.

“I kissed him to stop him from kissing you. See, another ‘you idiot’ is right there on my tongue! There’s no need to go over anything else from last night.” 

Lom opened his mouth to say something, thought for a second, and stopped. Neither spoke for a few minutes. 

“Lom, nothing personal, but I need to sleep. I’ll talk to you when we get up.”

“Okay.”

Fah laid down and rolled to face the wall. He wasn’t mad, he’d said everything he needed to say. Honestly, he wished Lom would have apologized and declared his love for him. 

Silence is better than outright rejection, I guess. 

He heard the sound of Lom lying back down. Maybe after they both had some sleep and a good meal they wouldn’t be so irritable. Fah drifted off to sleep. 

Lom listened as Fah’s breathing slowed and became regular. No doubt Fah was asleep. Lom had no idea what to do. Was he attracted to Fah? Yes. Would he like a relationship with Fah? Yes. Would his father kill him? Yes. 

Over the years Ton made it clear Fah was the hope of the family. He’d also been clear about his perception of Lom being gay. Lom had cleaned it up a bit for Fah. What their father said was, “If you’re fucking men, do it on your own time and far away from here. I don’t want to hear about it.” 

"Fah? Fah, are you awake?" Lom waited but no response came. "Fah, I wish my parents hadn't taken you in. Not that I wanted you to grow up on the streets or in an orphanage but it complicates everything when it comes to us dating." 

Lom sighed and continued whispering to Fah, "I know you're a virgin, but you're already so much better than I am when it comes to understanding and expressing your feelings. At least you recognized your feelings for me; I convinced myself that morning was all about getting rid of excess stress."

If his father found out Fah was gay, Lom had no idea what would happen. Ton might even blame Lom, knowing the way his logic worked. He and Fah couldn’t live together and go home as a couple for holidays. This wasn’t one of those Y series where everyone ends up happy. He played with Fah's hair, curling it around his finger and watching it bounce free. 

"Fah, if I could, I'd ask you to date me right now although Dad would probably find out. He has a lot of spies and he trusts no one, not even family members." Lom paused and stared at Fah's face. "I still can't believe last night was your first kiss. I didn't stop you because I wanted to kiss you and once we started I..." 

He contemplated why he hadn't stopped the kiss. 

"I'm so sorry I hurt you. I didn't do it intentionally. I'm sorry I slept with Mek. He was handsome and funny but I never thought of dating him. When he kissed you I was jealous, more jealous than I have ever been in my life." Lom paused to think. "I suppose if your kissing him made me that uncomfortable, what you witnessed must have made you feel awful. I'm sorry. If I could take it back, I would, because I like you. I want a relationship with you. When we're just hanging out I can be myself with you, and sexually, we're fire. Right now, it's hard to look at you without wanting to wake you up and fuck you this instant, but I won't."

Taking one of his fingers, he traced Fah's jawline, continued down his neck, and across Fah's chest. "I have no idea what to do. To outsiders and our family, our dating would be seen as a scandal, as incest. We don't have the same parents; we aren't related so why should we worry?" 

Should he ask Fah to date and hide it from their father? Despite the risk, he was considering it. He knew if he rejected him eventually, Fah would meet someone new. He would have to watch in silence as Fah and someone else held hands, touched each other, and went into a bedroom alone. 

"As much as I want us to date, what I can offer you? You'll graduate, work for Ton, and defend clients in high-profile cases. Dad will have you going to parties with the elite; you'll be living the life of the rich and glamorous. You can't be seen dating me. People will discover I'm Dad's hired hand who beats up poor people and bribes police and business owners. Being together would hurt your career, especially if you want to move toward becoming legitimate. Also, I don't want you hurt because someone wants revenge on me. Dad's debtors and competitors know what I look like and hate me. If I were to die, I wouldn't want you sad and crying. The safest thing is to stay as brothers." He let out a long sigh as he laid back down and stared at the ceiling. He rolled to face Fah again. 

"You're so perfect. Not just your appearance, your kindness, or how smart you are, but also your honesty. It took guts to tell me you liked me. I haven't the faintest idea what to do because I don't want to cause problems with Dad. However, if you date someone else, it will kill me," whispered Lom. 

He grabbed his cigarettes and went out on the balcony to smoke. The universe was sure having fun playing with him. He stubbed out his cigarette and returned to bed. Sliding next to Fah he wrapped his arms around him and closed his eyes. Soon sleep found him as well.