[Image Caption: Hunter standing outside of Koda's bedroom.]
Time continues to fly by, and soon, it's March. Midterms are coming, and spring break is too. I can't fucking wait. Maybe Nick and I can do something fun for once…like go on a road trip. I wouldn't mind getting the hell away from my parents for a few days.
Nick keeps nagging me about living with him next year. I haven't mentioned it to my parents again. It's hard to try and find the right moment. Nick thinks it's unnatural how strict and overprotective they are, but I don't see what’s so weird about it. Maybe I'm used to it. I grew up with this. It’s all I know. I don't like it, but what other option is there?
Nick is different. His parents died, and his aunt and uncle raised him. They were lax. He gets to do whatever he wants. Maybe that’s why he chooses to do drugs. I told him it bothered me once, and he just told me not to worry, but that shit's bad for you, and he does it all the time.
Samir hasn't been around much. Nick keeps bringing it up. The whole thing is fucking annoying because it's obvious that Samir is just having a bad semester. I don't really care why, but Nick can't seem to let it go. Whenever Samir misses class, he points it out and goes on about it all damn day. Samir is probably just overwhelmed. Mr. Perfect isn't so perfect, after all.
After yet another day of classes, I head to the parking lot and find my car. Getting into the driver's seat, I make my way home. When I finally get back to the house, I'm surprised to see that my mother is already home and cooking dinner. I usually beat her back by at least a few hours.
"Hey," I say as I enter the kitchen, "Did you have a good day?"
"Hello, Koda," she welcomes me. "I had a fine day. What about you?"
I give her the basic, meaningless answer that I usually do. I'm not too keen on her being aware of my every move, even though I know that's what she wants.
"You're home early," I point out. "Slow day at work?"
Mom is a critical care pediatric nurse and does a lot of long hours. I’m accustomed to hearing many out-of-pocket anecdotes about her job - the pregnant teenage junky that came in and gave birth to a stillborn, a kid addicted to opioids because of his chronic pain disorder… The grim list goes on for miles, and the stories I grew up hearing always felt like cautionary tales. She was telling me not to be like them.
"No," she replies, "I took off early."
“They let you?”
I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, but I do like having the house to myself after classes.
"We had enough staff and the family is coming over for dinner tonight," she says with a smile.
It takes me a minute to process that and all that it entails. I don't know why the fuck she’s smiling. She knows that I'm going to get upset.
"Can I just stay in my room?" I ask, hoping she gets called back into work.
She shakes her head. "Your relatives will want to see you, Koda. You know that. You can't just lock yourself away forever."
They don't deserve to see me. I should go back to campus and eat dinner with Nick.
"Mom, I really don't –" I start, sounding desperate, but she cuts me off.
"Dakoda," she says my full name, like a warning.
I stand up from the table and head for my room. She doesn't try to stop me. I just need time to emotionally prepare myself because, for some reason, my own mother insists on fucking me over constantly.
It takes every ounce of self-control I have not to slam my door behind me. If I did, someone would just come running from the other side of the house to yell at me.
I lie in my room and sulk for what feels like hours. The doorbell rings, and I feel worse. My head gets cloudy, and I feel beyond anxious.
For a while, I don't budge. Soon, I hear my mom shout my name, but I still don't move. Footsteps make their way up the stairs, and my dad appears in my room.
"Get downstairs," he says. "We have company. You're being rude."
I mumble some noncommittal response before sitting up. My dad waits for me until I follow him. We head into the kitchen, and I see my Uncle Garth with his brainless wife and their stupid son.
Garth is my dad's brother. He comes over with his family all the damn time. I wish they wouldn't, but I guess he and my dad are close or whatever. I'm not always home when they're here, but I didn't have enough warning to make other plans.
I say hello and sit down at the kitchen table. I only speak when spoken to and try not to look at my cousin. Even as I avoid his gaze, I can feel his eyes boring holes into my skull.
As our parents chat, he comes and sits down across from me.
"Been a while," he says, raising an eyebrow.
Hunter is several years older than I am and just finished college. He did a trade in automotive repair at the Nova Scotia Community College campus in Lunenburg. He was living there, so I didn't have to see much of him. As soon as he finished his program, he moved back in with his parents like the loser he is.
"Koda, it's good to see you!" My aunt walks over and inserts herself.
"Uh-huh," I respond moodily, putting an elbow on the table and resting my chin on my palm.
My mother eyes me from across the room, silently demanding that I behave. Families are supposed to be fucked up and dysfunctional, right? But mine is on a whole other level. Hunter is still staring, eyes narrowing my way. He looks mad. I don't even know why.
"Nice to see you, too," I correct myself.
"How’s school?" she asks, trying to make conversation.
"Killing it," I say simply. I can sit here in silence, but I hate when they try to force me to talk. It's not like they even care. It's all small talk—stuff to pass the time—but I can tell they feel just as awkward as I do.
I excuse myself, pretending like I have to get something from my room and making a speedy exit. When I return upstairs, I sit on my bed and take a few deep breaths. I'm trying to calm down. I'll freak the fuck out if I don't take a second and let myself relax.
As I'm starting to feel more collected, Hunter's head appears in my doorway.
"Why'd you run off?" he asks.
"Please, go away," I reply sternly without missing a beat.
Our parents aren't around, so I don't have to pretend to be nice to him. God, I hate the look on his face. He looks amused, like he thinks this is such a funny game.
He takes a step into my room, glancing around. "Hasn't changed much."
I point to the door. "Get the fuck out."
"Well then," he says to me. "That's no way to talk to me. We're family. We're supposed to be nice to each other."
I scoff at that. "Funny. You've been shit your whole life."
He's mean. He's always been mean – worse than mean – and I fucking hate him for it.
"God," he laughs. "You’re pathetic. Why do you sound so fucking scared?"
It's probably because I am scared, but I don't say that. I don't want to give him the satisfaction.
"I'm not," I lie. "I'm angry."
Hunter rolls his eyes. What a fucking bastard. I wish I could kick him out, throw hands, maul him… but there's nothing I can do. I'm completely powerless, and it feels horrible.
"Boys," my mom interrupts, entering my room from the hallway. "It's time for dinner."
She looks testy, so I choose not to say anything. I get up and walk past Hunter, trying to come off as tough and intimidating. He watches as I leave, and I can tell he sees right through me.
"Don't disappear like that," my mom whispers when we reach the stairwell.
Hunter doesn't follow immediately, and it bugs me out to think he's hanging around in my room, rifling through my shit. God, I wish we had locks. I can't even shit in peace.
I sit back down at the table. Hunter shows up a few minutes later. My mom places trays of food on the table, and everyone fills their plates. I don't feel that hungry, but I know I should eat. I haven't had much today. Mom made beef curry with rice, which is one of my favourite meals… but I can't enjoy it. Eh. Maybe there will be leftovers.
I listen to everyone chat mindlessly about things I don't care about. My uncle asks me about what courses I'm taking. I tell him about a few of them, and then my dad tells everyone that I'm studying to be a veterinarian.
"Ah, just like Kora!" Garth says.
"Yeah," I murmur.
I miss my sister, and at times I feel bitter that she left me all alone here. Kora is eight years older than me and doesn't put up with bullshit. I guess it's normal for her to be off building her own life. She has a full-time job and a boyfriend none of us have even met. I just feel like it wouldn't kill her to come around more often. I would like to see her.
She and Hunter used to be friends when we were younger. Then they stopped hanging out—probably because he's the fucking worst. I sometimes can't believe my aunt and uncle raised a kid like that.
I push my food around on my plate and try to tune everyone out.
I eat slowly, not making much of an effort to get anything down. I still feel uneasy and don't want to get sick.
After everyone is finished eating, dessert is brought out. I pick at that as well, and everyone seems oblivious to how I feel. Maybe they just don't care.
When dinner is finally over, they move into the living room. I try to disappear again, but my mom intervenes. So, I sit between my parents on the three-seater sofa. I remain quiet, not listening to what everyone is talking about. I only look down at the rug in the center of the room, but I can feel Hunter staring daggers at me again.
I try to tune him out, fixating on my mother as she and my aunt banter back and forth about how much more work they'll be able to get done now that spring is around the corner. It's nervous garbage that doesn't mean anything. They exchange recipes and gardening techniques, but that hardly constitutes a real relationship.
I watch Hunter warily out of the corner of my eye. He hasn't let up.
Things will never be normal between us.
I swallow when I feel my throat start to tighten. I keep gazing at the carpet. I feel clammy, so I decide to excuse myself momentarily.
"Where are you going?" my mom pries.
"To piss…" I say crudely.
She looks annoyed that I'd say that, but what the fuck did she expect me to respond with?
So, I leave the room and turn down the hallway until I reach the bathroom. I slip inside and flip down the toilet seat lid, sitting on it. I take my phone out of my pocket, checking for messages.
Nick's been pestering me for my statistics notes. I'm not sure why he wants mine because I doubt they're much better than his own. I guess he's trying to compile a study guide or something for the midterm. I should probably do that, too.
I flip through my school emails for a while and get myself caught up on any messages from my professors. It's mostly junk mail, but there are a couple of important updates about canceled classes and changed assignments for the week.
After a few minutes, I stand up and stare at myself in the mirror. I feel groggy and tired as fuck. I hate when I get like this. My whole day has been such a load of crap.
A firm knock on the door brings me back to reality.
Why can't they leave me alone for one goddamn second?
"What?" I snap as the door swings open, and my mom is standing there. "I could have had my pants down, yah know!"
"I changed your diapers, Koda," she points out flatly. "Get back in the living room. Stop hiding."
“I’m a fucking adult…” I mutter under my breath as I walk past her and out of the bathroom.
I head back into the living room and sit back down. I cross my arms, leaning against the sofa and looking at nothing in particular. I let myself zone out, trying not to pay attention to anything.
What feels like hours later, my uncle says, "Well, we ought to head home."
Fucking finally!
We all stand up and walk towards the door so our parents can say their goodbyes. Hunter doesn't say jack shit, but it doesn't matter. He's still glaring at me, and I know what he's thinking.
As soon as they're out the door, my dad sighs heavily and leaves the room. I know this is exhausting for him, too. Pretending. I don't give a fuck, though. Maybe he should fucking stop inviting them all over like this. He can invite Garth out for a beer or something instead.
"Koda," my mom says sternly before I can walk away. "You need to work on keeping yourself in check."
Everything I've been feeling over the last few hours is ready to come out. It's all pent-up.
"It makes me feel bad, you know!" I exclaim shakily. "I hate when you invite them over!"
"That is no one's intention," she responds sternly. "You know that."
I've already lost. I always do because she refuses to see my point of view. She refuses to understand why this is as hard as it is for me.
I turn away and head upstairs, flopping face-first into my bed. I hope my parents leave me alone for the rest of the day. I need time to myself. I turn my head to the side and let out a long breath.
Everyone in this house is so fake. Myself included.
I don't move from my bed for hours. I'm trying to block everything out. My skin is prickling. I wish I could crawl out of my own fucking body and light the old one on fire.
No one tries to come talk to me, but I hear my dad walk past my room a few times. He's checking in, probably to make sure I don't try to fucking kill myself. I'm sure that's why we don't have locks on any of the doors—although there are about a million other nasty reasons why it has to be that way. I know my parents think I'm unstable. They think I have no coping skills, but that's only because they never helped me develop any.
I've never seen a doctor. I probably should, but my parents don't want me to. Then we'd all be admitting that I'm unhinged. They aren't ready to do that. Neither am I, to be honest. Plus, I can't talk about it. I really can't. No one likes revisiting shitty parts of their life. I feel like if I did, the dam in my head would burst apart and I'd never stop crying about it. This is easier. I do okay. I get decent marks. I try hard in school. My past experiences don't take away from that.
Maybe if I move in with Nick, I'll stop getting reminded of all the crap that's built up. I'll finally be able to move on. My parents won't be breathing down my neck anymore, so it will just disappear. Plus, I'll never have to see Hunter again if I don't want to.
I hear my dad's footsteps pass by again, but he hesitates in the doorway this time.
"I'm fine," I say through gritted teeth after a moment of him watching me. "I just want to be left alone."
He doesn't reply, but after a few seconds, he walks away. I appreciate that he's trying to be there for me, but this is not how to do it.
The numb feeling always takes over. It's probably because I haven't let myself blow up in a while. It's been years. I often feel like crying, but nothing ever comes out.
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