KALI

It had been eight years since I'd gathered the courage to visit my mother's grave. Even now as I stood here, I struggled to comprehend why it took me so long to face her. Everyone always assumed Mom was doing fine with the medication the doctors prescribed after the accident. And I believed them because I was taught to trust my elders. But the truth was, she became too dependent on those pills. So dependent that when I thought throwing them away was for her own good, she made the decision to end it all.

But at least she didn't have to worry about being in pain anymore. At least she was dead.

"Loving memory," I whisper under my breath, the words tasting bitter on my tongue. And a laugh, sharp and hollow, tumbled from my lips. The only memories I'd been given since her death were endless days of people telling Naomi and me that we didn't deserve to lose such a loving woman. Such bullshit was all that it was as it always went through one ear and out the other. But none of that mattered anymore. I wasn't here to apologize for intentionally not visiting her. I was here for closure before my last day on earth. My death wouldn't be worth it if I didn't visit the woman at least once to ease the gaping hole in my heart. It wasn't pain tearing me apart. It wasn't grief, sadness, or anything really. Those feelings were so consistent that I barely noticed them anymore. This was something else. This was one of those times where the new but old emotions rose up into my chest, lungs, and throat. The scene played out behind my eyes, and I was fifteen again, standing in front of my mom.

"Be safe...my love," she'd said, her fingers soft against my cheek. They were a bit colder than usual, but I didn't care. Instead, happiness overcame me at the realization that I had the sober version of my mother sending me off to school.

"Just know that no matter what happens, I truly do love you." I nodded despite the ache in my heart from unspoken questions. But before I could say a word, the school bus arrived. My backpack bounced against my back as I raced to the doors, pausing to turn and blow Mom a kiss. And maybe, just maybe, I should've asked why she was crying.

It was exactly 3:45 pm when I received the news that my mother disappeared. I remember not saying a word as my older sister seized my shoulders, screaming at me for letting her go. But what did she expect me to do? I wasn't some savior. How could I be when I could barely understand my own feelings at the time.

I quickly allowed my feet to carry me to Mom's room, quickly locking the door behind me to ensure Naomi couldn't take her frustrations out on me anymore. Her walls were adorned with drawings over the course of the years and before I could fully immerse myself in the moment, my phone rang with a notification from the woman in question. Quickly dialing her number, I waited for Mom to pick up.

Nothing.

I tried again.

Still nothing.

On the last attempt, her number sent me straight to voicemail. Tears stained my cheeks as my thumb hovered over the last thing she would ever send me as I now knew that she wasn't coming home. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

"My sweet Kali...my little star." was all that was said followed by the sound of heaving sobs.

More than a week passed and I was sitting on my best friend's couch knowing that all that was left back home was emptiness. The living room smelled of cinnamon and vanilla, yet any feeling of temporary stability vanished with a knock on the door.

"Who in the hell would be knocking on the door at this hour?" Cecelia's voice rang from the kitchen, the sound of a towel being thrown against the counter echoing into the living room. Naomi and I waited on the couch with our fingers interlocked as voices emerged from the doorway. And soon enough, Cecelia walked back in with a grim expression on her face as two officers followed her.

I remember the way Naomi's hand gripped mine as she naively told me that maybe our mom was alive. But the look on all the adults' faces said otherwise. The shorter of the two officers took off their cap and bent down to look us in the eyes.

"Your mother's clothes were found near the city's dam," his voice was clinical, devoid of any emotion. "And if our suspicions are correct, her body may never be recovered." Silence filled the room as we took in the news.

"Are you one hundred percent sure that it's their mother?" Cecelia was the first to speak. The other officer then pulled out a zip-lock bag with an identification card inside and placed it on the table. After a few bouts of hesitation, Naomi leaned forward and with a choked gasp, confirmed everything. But there was still one thing I needed to know.

"The necklace," I started, flinching as everyone turned their gaze to me. "The one Naomi and I got for Mother's Day?" For a fleeting second, everyone's eyes softened and I hated it.

"Yes," the officer replied gently. "We found the locket in her pockets. Perhaps she didn't want to ruin something so meaningful." He fucked up there. Even my fifteen year old self knew that at the time as anger surged within me.

"Ruin something so meaningful," I spat out, my fists curling at my side. Deep down, I knew that it was irrational to take my anger out on people doing their jobs, but I needed someone to blame. And the one person who caused so much of my pain wasn't here to face what she'd done.

"If she didn't want to ruin something meaningful, why did she leave her two children to fend for themselves? For making me believe that she was finally going to become clean," my fist pounded against my chest with each word. And soon after, it hit me that she hadn't called me her little star in years. But in her last moments, she did.

I. Hate. Her.

"I hate her," my voice came out shrill and Cecelia was quick to grip my shoulders and I shoved her back with all the force I could muster. "I hate her!"

"Kali, darling...you don't mean that." Cecelia attempted to diffuse the situation once more, but the same rage continued to overflow as all of my emotions slammed into me at once.

"Did she not once consider how we would take this?" I spun around to face the older woman. "Or did she just not give a fuck?" I finished, not even daring to wipe my tears. I wanted her to see my pain. I needed her to realize that this was a turning point in my life. One that I wasn't entirely sure I could come back from.

"Kali!" Naomi's voice rang out, her hands reaching for me but I took a step back. Because how dare she try to pretend that she cared when she was the first to blame me for not stopping our mother. The room spun, and I stumbled, trying to grab onto the nearest thing before my legs gave out. Tears continued to blur my vision, fracturing my world even further. When I didn't have the strength to fight anymore, I allowed Naomi to wrap her arms around me as my sobs echoed throughout the house.

Taking a shuddering breath to steady my frantic heart, I contemplated what I was about to do. Death— the word taunted me with the promise of everlasting peace. And maybe just maybe, I could finally understand why Mom chose it over the constant state of pain. But the prospect of dying also scared me. What if I failed on my first try? The thought of Naomi's taunts, her telling me how pathetic I was for not being able to end my life properly was unbearable. Yet, something inside me was convinced that it would be worth it in the end.

Reaching a trembling hand into my pocket, I pulled out the sleeping pills. For a brief second, I stared at them. I knew that I wanted to die, but was it truly fucked up to do it right in front of the woman who birthed me?

"Never thought I would see you here, little sister?" My head whipped around at the sound of Naomi's voice and the pills were frantically shoved back into my pockets. The mixture of rain and fog fell too heavily for me to see anything, except the silhouette of my older sister standing a few feet away. I stood up quickly, determined to ensure that Naomi wouldn't even get the chance to guess what I was about to do. Pushing my damp curls away, I faced the one person I dreaded meeting since moving away from home two years ago.

Piercing hazel eyes glared at me through the mist and I blinked a few times to adjust my vision. Meeting her glare for a few seconds, I noticed how red her eyes were—an appearance that I couldn't even match.

"I'm sorry," I whispered without thinking, desperately racking my brain for something to say. But what could I say? God, how could I be so stupid? I should've just gone my usual route and ended it there.

"For not being able to save Mom or for finally having the decency to visit her after all these years?" Naomi sneered, taking a step closer. She lifted her hand—probably to toss the now withered flowers—but it didn't matter because I was already gone.

"Eight years of not visiting our mother and this is what you do?" she yelled after me, but I didn't dare to look back to check whether or not she was following me. I sprinted through the rows of graves, mentally apologizing to each one as I disrupted the peace. After what felt like hours, I finally saw my car in the distance. Grabbing my keys from my back pocket, I quickly unlocked the door and jumped into the driver's seat before starting the ignition and roughly pulling away.

But where was I supposed to go? I'd spent the past three years idealizing my goodbye to the world, yet never prepared for someone to actually intervene. Fixing my gaze on the busy intersection, I noticed a semi-truck getting ready to make a turn. Tightening my grip on the steering wheel, I pressed my foot deeper into the gas pedal but at the last second, I swerved into the emergency lane. Turning the car off with a frustrated shriek, I rested my forehead on the steering wheel, my breath coming out in ragged sobs.

My phone dinged, piercing through the chaos of my thoughts. With a shaky hand, I reached for it, half-hoping it was someone who could pull me back from the edge, half-dreading it was Naomi, ready to hurl more nasty words at me.

Naomi

You are pathetic.

Kali

I know.

Naomi

Perhaps you should've died instead of mom.

Only a few minutes passed before I reluctantly glanced at my rearview mirror to stare at the broken girl reflected there. My eyes brimmed with tears, not because of my sister wishing I was dead— no. But because I was a coward. I'd specifically quit my job so that I could get the deed done. I should've known that nothing good would come out of visiting Mom after all these years, but I was desperate. Desperate for a way out of the misery my life had become. That's why, despite all logic, I'd mustered whatever little courage I had left and made the decision to visit her. So not only did this trip fail to provide me with some closure, it somehow made me feel worse, which I didn't think was possible.

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles turning white as I tried to push back the rising tide of emotions. The memory of my aunt's voice echoed in my head, each word a shard of glass that pierced deeper with every repetition. She and Naomi both always had a way of making me feel like I was an unwanted burden.

That's why I regretted not going with my original idea of doing it at the same place my mom did all those years ago. Overdosing was clean. Simple. And jumping into the water that would overpower me almost immediately would've made my death quick and painless. No one would know at first. It's not like I was a favorite at my university anyway. Barely making ends meet as my lack of attendance grew larger. Instead, the university would find out the truth days later, and I knew they wouldn't make a comment to save their reputation.

Elmwood University's Student Commits Suicide

The headline flashed in my mind. I would've been the fifth student within the past seven months. And to make matters worse, the sleeping pills suddenly felt heavy in my pockets. Naomi should've just left me alone, but that bitch just has to seize any opportunity to make me feel like shit. And now, I couldn't find it in me to take the pills anymore. I continued to stare in the mirror, and the longer I stared, the more I started to pity just how broken I was.

I should've known that I wouldn't be the only one visiting the grave on her anniversary, but I thought I'd be in the clear after figuring out what time Naomi usually visits. I had watched her mourn over the what-ifs and scream at the world for not taking me instead since I never bothered to visit. Honestly speaking, I wondered what she would think if she knew the real reason why I was there. Maybe she would've fed me the pills herself with all the pent-up resentment she's built over the years. Resentment that I wasn't entirely sure I fully deserved.

The air in the car suddenly became thick and I took a shaky breath. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone, the screen lighting up with a string of messages from my school's counselor. I stared at the notifications, the words blurring together as my vision swam with tears.

Mrs. Lawson

Kali, where are you?

Mrs. Lawson

You're 15 minutes late to today's session.