[Image Caption: Sebastian standing in the frat house kitchen.]

Koda manages to convince his parents that he’s doing work through the vet program for one of his courses. We finish exams and now it’s Friday night. I think I passed everything, but we’ll see. For now, I won’t worry about it. I want to let loose. Very loose. Koda needs it, too. He’s stressed that he didn’t do well on his microbiology test. I don’t know why he’s so hard on himself. Almost nobody aces those sorts of classes.

Around eight o’clock we order pizza. Koda says he can’t remember the last time he had pizza, which is probably the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard come out of his mouth. We eat before heading out. I can tell Koda doesn’t want to get sick again. I’ll try to keep an eye on him, though I’m sure it will be fine. By the time we get there it’s already crowded. I look around the living room to see if anyone I know has shown up yet. These houses are huge. It’s like they took four houses and just mashed them together. I see Samantha in the corner talking to Corinne, so I figure I should go say hello. I nudge Koda and nod my head toward them.

“I’ll meet you over there. I wanna get some drinks first.”

“Sounds good,” I say before wandering over.

“Hey, Nick,” Samantha smiles when she sees me. She’s holding a red cup. It’s probably vodka lemonade—her favorite. 

Koda shows up a minute later with two beers. He hands one to me and I crack it open. He’s glancing around the room, probably checking for more familiar faces. Helena and Ivy are sitting on the sofas with a guy named Sebastian and some other kids we know.

Seems like everyone had the same idea as Koda and I. One week just isn’t enough to make plans off campus, especially if they live out of province. That’s something I really like about college—it’s like nobody has parents. It’s nice to see everybody trying to figure out how to be self-sufficient together. I had to teach a kid in my dorm how to do laundry. It was funny, but I also felt really good about it afterwards. That’s why I want Koda to move in with me. I know a lot about doing my own cooking and cleaning. I could show him how to do all this shit his mom and dad never let him do on his own. I wouldn’t be surprised if they still drew his baths for him. They tell him to jump and he asks how high.

Koda downs his first beer quickly and goes for another. I hang around with Corinne and Samantha for a while, chatting about stupid shit like exams and what we have planned for the week. Corinne keeps hitting on Samantha. I don’t know if she means it or if they’re trying to make me uncomfortable. I don’t want to ask. After Koda’s been gone for a few minutes, I decide to go find him. Corinne and Samantha are freaking me out and it’s not like they need me around.

I find Koda in the kitchen chatting with Sebastian. I wonder what they’re talking about but as I get closer I realize they’re just bitching about courses. Classic. I don’t know why I would expect anything else from Sebastian. He’s this really smart but lazy stoner—tall and lean with long black hair he wears in a top knot and a set of thick-rimmed glasses. He’s covered in trad tats and has a silver barbell through his eyebrow. I only know him because he and Koda have some course overlap.

Koda is now holding a red cup too. I steal it from him and take a sip. “Rum?” I ask, handing it back. “Remember to drink some water.”

“I have been,” he says and I drop it. He gets defensive when he’s drunk and is easy to start a fight with. Instead, I decide to play catch up, so I mix myself something harder. 

“You his mommy?” Sebastian asks me.

“Can it,” I say, but Koda looks embarrassed.

Sebastian’s one of those guys with an outrageously high tolerance. I bet he sits around and drinks in his spare time to cope with the fact that everyone around him is a blubbering idiot comparatively. He stands around with Koda and me for a few more minutes before wandering off to talk to someone else. Once he’s out of the room, Koda gives me an irritated look.

“Could you not monitor me, please?”

“You’re not going to let what Sebastian said get you to, are you? I’m just not trying to have a repeat of last time.”

“I can handle myself. The reason I’m doing this with you is to get away from people watching my every move. I don’t need you to take over the responsibility.”

He’s got me there. I should chill out and trust him not to make a fool of himself again... and if he does, he can deal with the consequences. 

I hold up my hands. “All right, fine, you’re right. Just take it easy.”

“Says you, junky.”

The insult doesn’t really bug me. Koda’s being a piss-baby, like always. He’s lucky I’m good at letting these things slide.

Koda’s staring at me and not saying anything. He looks uncomfortable. “I’m sorry I called you a junky,” he finally spits out.

“You’re fine,” I say because I can tell the alcohol is cranking him out. I can’t tell if he apologized because he genuinely felt bad or because he felt obligated. He probably had to say sorry for a lot of shit that wasn’t his fault when he was a kid. I’m a forgiving person and I’ll always forgive Koda. I doubt he would ever pull a stunt that was fucked up enough to make me doubt that.

“Why do you do it?” he asks me. “Drugs, I mean.”

“Dunno. I like how it feels.”

“Is something wrong with you? Is that how you cope?”

“Do you want somethin’ to be wrong with me?”

“Maybe,” he whispers.

In his head, maybe it would make more sense. Then he’d know why I do blow and he’d be satisfied. Or not.

“Why?” I ask. I’m trying to sound gentle. I don’t mind where the conversation is heading, but truthfully I haven’t given my drug use much thought, so I don’t really know why I do it.

“Then we’d both be fucked up.”

“You’re not fucked up, man.”

“Kinda. I mean, pretty fucked up, actually…” Before I can pry, he again asks, “So, why do you do it?”

“I don’t know. I’ll think about it, so ask me later. Let’s walk around the house a bit.”

Koda nods, quickly mixing one more drink from the rum and coke sitting on the counter. I watch him warily as he pours it. When he sets the bottle of liquor down he notices me staring. “I’m fine,” he insists, taking a huge swig. I’m not exactly sure how that’s supposed to prove he’s fine, but there’s not much I can do to persuade him to slow down. Maybe I’m being paranoid. He’s only ever gotten sick the one time and it’s not atypical for him to drink a lot. Koda can do what he wants. Fuck it. I don’t need to hold his hand all night.

We ditch the kitchen and head into the hallway where there’s a cloud of skunky smoke wafting around. Koda starts waving his hand around in front of his face and I have to refrain from laughing at him. “Come on,” I say, nodding for him to follow me deeper into the house. He wavers a bit, and puts a palm on my shoulder to steady himself.

I wonder if Gabe is here. I could find him if I wanted to. I glance at Koda over my shoulder. He looks tired and drunk. Even if I did run into Gabe there’s absolutely no way I could leave Koda alone at this point. 

“It’s so crowded,” he points out as we weave through the mass of people. “I hate all these randos rubbing up against me.”

We head into a lounge room that doesn’t have too many bodies around, so I decide to drag him inside and let him sit for a while. We near a sofa and he lets go of me, sitting down with his drink still in hand.

“Ugh,” he groans, setting his cup on the coffee table and shrugging out of his hoodie. He hands it to me and says, “Hold this. I’m too hot.”

I resist the urge to roll my eyes, but keep hold of it nonetheless. He picks his drink back up and sips on it a bit.

“Want me to get you water?” I ask.

“No… later.”

“Okay,” I say, throwing his sweater over my shoulder. “Do you feel sick?”

“No… I’m just drunk.”

“Alright, well—”

Koda just stares at me, looking upset. I don’t understand why. All I did was ask if he needed water. 

“Why’d you invite me out if you thought you were going to have to babysit me all night?” he asks.

“I’m not fucking babysitting you.”

“If you’re so concerned then why did you even suggest we do this?”

“I don’t know! I thought it would be fun, but you keep getting sloppy lately! Why are you throwing such a bitch fit?”

“I’m not,” he says sharply, slumping in his seat. He looks like a child who just got scolded.

“I think you kind of are, but whatever.”

He scoffs, choking down the rest of his drink before standing up and wandering out of the room. I follow him, somewhat wary. He should probably just go to bed. He needs to sleep this off, but if I said that he’d flip.

“Dude, calm down,” I bark after he forcefully pushes past two girls crowding a doorway. 

“Sorry, excuse me,” I tell them as I squeeze past as well. They both give me dirty looks.

After a few more seconds of tag I finally catch up and grab him firmly by the shoulder. He swings around and smacks my hand away, almost knocking himself over in the process. It’s pathetic to watch.

“Koda, seriously. You’re pissing me off.”

“You’re pissing me off!” 

This is getting embarrassing. “Fine, whatever! Drink more, I don’t give a fuck.” 

We just stare at each other awkwardly for a few moments. 

“Let’s just leave,” I sigh finally.

I turn around, looking back every so often to make sure he’s following me. I can’t help but wonder if this is how it’s going to be all week. I’ve never spent time like this with Koda, so there are still a lot of things I don’t know about him. He didn’t get out much when we were in high school and I rarely saw him around at parties. Soccer was our only activity together and, still, we hardly spoke. 

Back in the dorms, I get him some water and make sure he brushes his teeth. When we’re settling back down in my room, he flops onto my bed. “You good?” I ask him, setting his sweater down on my desk chair.

“Mm…” he mumbles. I don’t know if that’s a yes or a no, but I don’t pry.

I lie down next to him, hoping what little alcohol I had will make it quick for me to fall asleep. Not long after, Tyler comes back to the room. I look up at him when he turns the light on and I can tell he’s surprised to see us. Koda doesn’t acknowledge Tyler and I’m not sure if he’s passed out or just pretending. 

Tyler turns the light back off quickly and pulls out his phone to use as a flashlight. He grabs a change of clothes and disappears. Once he’s gone, I readjust the blankets and end up snuggled against Koda. It’s weird because I’ve never been the little spoon before. I can feel him breathing against my ear. 

“Koda..?”

“Hm…?” 

“Nothing. Just wondering if you were awake.”

“Mm…” he grunts again.

This is warm and comfortable, but I feel awkward. I’ve been feeling awkward about all of my interactions with men after what happened with Gabe. I still don’t know if I’m even queer or if the whole thing was an experimental fluke.