It was very fresh. She just died last year, and I can feel his pain, “I know the feeling and it sucks to feel alone.” Sometimes, I do feel... empty.  I was roaming around to ease this feeling and I thought, I can get a fresh start, but it was still... here.

He looked at me and smiled, “You have family here. Jeremy and... me.” We were staring at each other. I remembered that I told him that my family was in Chicago, and I realized that I had been looking for... was just here around me, “I don’t know but, you’re the only one I can talk to like this. You make me feel open about everything.” 

I smiled a little bit because his words made my heart pound again and it made me calm. He makes me calm out of the storm in my mind and heart. 

Here I was again, enchanted by his eyes and I can feel that he is walking closely towards me, and I can’t stop my feelings. It was an intense feeling that I don’t know I have. These feelings were so close when a sound from my phone appeared. 

“Um, I-I have to go. Aunt Sandra was..." I said without looking at him. Why is it so warm in here? 

He scratches the back of his head, “Oh, yeah, sure. I will take you home.” He was nodding and also not looking at me. That was so very close, he was about to kiss me. And I want it. 

Wait... I want it? 

Ugh. 

He makes me crazy, and these feelings were new to me. I don’t know how to deal with it. We just got home, and I can’t remove this helmet out of my head because it is stuck. 

“Here,” he stepped closer to me, so I looked up at him, and he smelled so good. He finally removed this helmet from my head, “Sometimes, it gets stuck.” 

I smiled, “Thanks for tonight.” I turn my back on him. I can feel that he was looking at me and waiting for me to disappear. But the damn feelings were out of control. It got the best of me and because of that, I turned around and ran towards him to kiss him on the cheeks. I stared at his eyes for a second and it seemed he was surprised I did that and then I said, “Goodnight.” 

I ran to the house, shut the door and I didn’t bother to see him because I couldn’t face him! 

Athena, what the hell did you just do? I told myself over and over again that I will not do it because if this happens, something terrible will happen. I closed my eyes and breathed in for five seconds because my heart was pounding, and I could hear it! 

Then, I breathe out and when I open my eyes, I shriek because aunt Sandra was standing in front of me with a judgmental look. She smiled at me and then I walked slowly, “I... I have to rest. Thank you—I mean goodnight, Aunt.” 

Ugh, I stutter and I know she knows so I don’t want to give her a chance to ask me, so she just mouthed me, “Okay.” 

So, that was... awkward. 

Charlotte was calling and then I answered her.

"Hey. Did you do it?"

She’s still wide awake, and I think she just waited for me because it was midnight. I breathe out a heavy sigh. 

“I kissed him—” 

"Oh my god!" She cut me off with her scream. 

“Ssshhh, you’re so loud. They might hear you.” I whisper to her. Her smile was like a winner's smile, “I just kissed him on the cheek and that was not me. I won’t do it again.” I said without stopping for her to not intrude between my words. Charlotte doesn’t know behind my curse kiss. I called my kiss a “curse” because of my first ever kiss. This guy in my junior year, because of that thinking, if I kissed him, I would feel that I was attracted to him...

...but when I did that, things between us went deep in the unknown ocean and I blamed myself for it. I-I killed him and destroyed his life. Even his family. 

So, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to experiment my feelings again and it was so selfish of me. I didn’t think of someone’s feelings towards me. Her smile didn’t fade away and she was happy for me. 

"What matters is that you like him."

My eyes narrowed when she said that. “No, I’m not.” 

"Yes! Denial is the first stage and then your body controls your action and then denial again."

I closed my eyes for a second and she was damn right! “Okay, I was enchanted by his eyes.” I said it out loud and I thought, I said that in my head, so she gave me a smirk, “Alright. I do like him and maybe, attracted? But there are many ways to be attracted, right?” 

In my life, I never ever get attracted to any boys in my school and in my neighbourhood. But, Noah Taylor is different. He made me nervous and also made me calm. 

"Athena Jones. Finally, you are a woman."

I raised an eyebrow at her statement, “What the hell did you mean by that?” 

"Okay, all you have to do is to know why you are attracted to him." She said, ignoring my question. 

I sighed, not because of relief, but because of how-should-i-face-him-tomorrow sentences that I was thinking right now. 

"I know that face. I know you were thinking of wearing a disguise but girl, this is your chance and I have a feeling, Noah Taylor will become your first love."

I scoffed, “Not in my dictionary.” 

She rolled her eyes on me, "Stop saying that."

“Why are you so eager for me to have a relationship?” 

"I want you to feel happy. I want someone who will make you happy." I closed my eyes for a minute and when I didn't respond, she continued, "The death of Matthew is not your fault. He was so obsessed with you and that was not love. He was manipulating you, Athena. So, don’t feel responsible for the decisions of others that they make themselves."

Yeah, I know. But every time I saw blood... he was... everywhere. Matthew didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve that. 

***

I was yawning entering the school grounds when someone put his arm around me. I look at him or look up because he is taller than me.

“Good morning, sleepy head.” 

“Hey, delete your post now.” 

He smirked at me, “I can’t do that. You should thank me because you are famous now in one click.” 

I rolled my eyes on him, “I don’t want to be famous. I got nonstop notifications and it's your fault. Many stalkers are now engaging on my social media. You just gave me a headache.” I’m not a social media person. I had twenty followers on my Instagram account, and they're all my family and close friends. I just posted twice a year. But my brothers are all famous on social media and I don’t want to be known as their family because I will be the one who will get a dozen demands. 

“That post got fifteen million likes and you want me to delete that? No way! Also, that’s my memory of you.” 

I scoffed, “Memory? We could just take a picture on your phone and it doesn't matter if others didn’t see it.” I can now feel the eyes of the students and I don’t care about them.

Okay, I care. It was embarrassing! 

“Darling, everyone likes you! And, and they want to know more about you! Did you see the messages of a modelling agency?” 

I raised my right eyebrow, “Um... no?” 

“That’s your chance, darling!” 

I stopped walking and the sun was hitting my face, so my eyes narrowed then I faced him, “Okay, first of all. Stop calling me darling. That's not right.” 

“I’m calling you darling because you're my friend and my special friend.” 

“Yeah, how ‘bout that wild night? You’ve got laid?” 

He smirked at me and teased me, “Are you jealous?” 

I scoff and put my hands on my waist, “I’m not jealous. I was almost got raped by your friend.” 

His smile torn out and became serious,  “Which friend?” The tone of his voice change,  and I regret saying it to him. I looked into his eyes, and it was fierce. 

“No, it was not a big deal. He was just a jerk so I—” I said while not looking into his eyes.

“Athena. Tell me who the fuck disrespect you.”

His presence is not the Thomas I know. I can feel his rage and anger and if I tell him, it was over between his friends. Why the hell did I say that? Damn. 

I look at my phone, “Forget it. Come on, we will be late!” I said and pulled him. 

I didn’t expect this kind of reaction. I was glancing at him, and his face was so serious not because of the professor lecturing, but because of what I said. He crossed arms while pretending to listen. 

What is he thinking? 

After class, he burst out of the room and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. I tried to call and text him, but he was not responding. The next morning, I tried to text him again. But he hasn’t seen it since yesterday. God, what the hell happened to him? I bite my lower lip and try to call him instead, when I got straight to the voice mail, I fucking tell him, “Answer this Thomas or I’ll fucking kill you.” 

“Language.” 

Aunt Sandra and his husband were eating breakfast with Jeremy. I‘ve almost wanted to slap this mouth and I just sighed out of frustration. 

“I’m sorry, I just had a bad day.” 

“What’s wrong young lady?” aunt Sandra asked and then she drank her coffee. 

“I have to go. Catch ‘ya up later.” 

“Athena, don’t forget later. I have my client today.” 

“Alright!” 

I shouted as I left the living room. Aunt Sandra was not driving me to school because I’m now familiar with the streets, so I was taking the bus to my school. It was not that far and since me and Jeremy are in different schools, I insist that I will commute by myself. 

After class later, I will take Jeremy out of the house, and we will eat at his favorite restaurant because aunt Sandra let me take out Jeremy in the house when there’s a client. She has an office in the house and is making her next book.

I narrowed my eyes while walking inside the campus because there’s a bunch of students crowded in front of the engineering building. 

I pushed myself into the crowd and then I saw Thomas punching his unconscious friend. They stopped him and then he stood up from his friend and I saw the blood on his friend's face. Thomas' hands were full of blood. I trembled and tried to pull myself away from this crowd, but my knees were too stubborn to move. I fell to the ground, and I can feel the heat from my knees. 

My mind was... everywhere. He is everywhere... 

...that scene I want to forget is consuming my mind again and blood is everywhere. 

“No... no...” I crawl and crawl and I can’t breathe and gasped for air. I felt hot, and I could feel the sweat on my face. 

“Athena!” I looked at the people, but they were blurred, and I felt someone holding my face. He was speaking but his voice was blurred. I can’t hear him! I-I can’t move. I want to get out of here!

“Athena, breathe.” 

I cried and tried to breathe because I could feel that there was no air in my lungs. I feel like he was suffocating me. 

“I’m sorry...” my voice cracked as I hyperventilated. 

“Breathe in.” his voice was echoing and then I did what he said. I don’t know what’s happening but when I calm down, I'm now sitting on the bench with Noah.