It took several minutes for Lom to realize where he was. The previous night slowly came back to him. Fah was alive! Memories of Fah checking into the hotel with a stranger, Somchai breaking up with him, and friends asking him to leave Fah alone followed. Their request would be impossible.

After a quick shower, he went across the street to a café. From where he sat he’d be able to see Fah leave the hotel. 

​Unless he’s already checked out. 

No, Fah didn’t seem the type to leave right after sex. Then again, Fah hadn’t seemed the type to have sex with a stranger. He decided to wait it out.

He was on his third Americano when Fah came out. 

Is he still with that guy? 

Lom couldn’t believe his bad luck. The two men across the street turned to face each other. 

They better not kiss! 

Lom was going crazy. He needed Fah to hear the truth and to give him another chance. Fah and the stranger shook hands and laughed. 

As the stranger turned to leave Lom stood to run and catch Fah. Much to his surprise Fah turned and headed towards the café. Lom watched as he came and put in his order. People were all turning to stare at Fah. Lom couldn’t understand why. Quietly he got in line behind Fah. As he did so, he noticed the bite marks and hickeys all over his neck. Using meditative breathing he did his best to quell the jealousy and anger rising inside him. 

“May I help you?” asked the barista as Fah stepped to the side. 

“A croissant, please,” said Lom. Fah turned to face him but said nothing. Lom paid and moved to the side to wait for his order. 

“Did you have a good night?” asked Lom. Immediately he regretted his words.

“Wonderful,” said Fah, as he smiled back at him. “It was nice to be with someone who chose me, someone who wanted to be with me.” 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” said Lom.

“Why? Because you don’t like my answer?”

“Because it was your business, not mine. Also, I want to speak with you, not fight with you.”

“Okay.”

“May I ask you one thing?”

“What?”

“Are you okay?” 

“Yes, why? Don’t I look okay?”

“You’re covered in bite marks and hickeys... Didn’t you notice everyone staring at you?” Lom couldn’t believe Fah was oblivious to the attention he was getting.

“I noticed, but ever since our photo has been online it happens a lot.”

“Oh,” was all Lom could think to say. They grabbed their orders and Lom gestured toward his table. For a few minutes, they sat in silence. Lom cut his croissant in half and pushed the plate toward Fah who accepted it. 

“Was that the Somchai we went to high school with?” asked Fah, trying to keep a neutral tone.

“Yes, he found me unconscious on the road.” Fah nodded his head slowly as if contemplating the serendipity of it all.

“And you immediately began dating him?” Fah’s tone was a little less neutral this time.

“Fah, I understand you’re mad at me. Please, let me tell you what happened.” Fah opened his mouth as if to protest but stopped himself. 

“The people who followed me from the bungalow surrounded me, they had guns. A man told me they had just killed you and he threw the necklace at me as proof you were dead. After that, I don’t remember too much because I lost the will to fight back. When I woke up, it was hours later; I was covered in dirt and blood and I couldn't stand up. I dragged myself closer to the road hoping someone would find me. As luck would have it, Somchai was visiting his aunt's house. He found me on the roadside and took me to a hospital. At first, he didn’t even recognize me, my face was so swollen. When he found me I didn't have any phones on me, I’m not sure what happened to them, but they weren't in my pockets when I came to.

“Which explains why you never answered when I called,” said Fah. “I tried calling your phone right after I got the message you were dead but it was off. I couldn’t call the burner phone again because my father hid mine. He said he lost it but I'm pretty sure he didn’t want me to look at the photos of your dead body anymore.”

“Oh, okay.” Lom waited in case he had more to add, then proceeded. “It was a few weeks before I was able to use my left hand. My ankle and thigh were broken so it took months before I was walking again. Since the men my father hired left me in this state, I had no doubt they’d killed you.”

“Why didn’t you call anyone?”

“Without my phone, I didn't remember anyone's number.”

“Why didn’t you visit my family?”

“People working for my father beat me and left me for dead. I thought they killed you so I was sure your family and friends blamed me. If I went to Bangkok and someone recognized me my father would come after me again. Staying in Pattaya with Somchai seemed the best solution.”

“When did you start sleeping with him?” 

“I’m not answering that. Not only because I don’t know, but because you think I wanted to replace you. All I'll say is it was after I was walking so at least eight months, maybe longer.”

“Didn’t you replace me though? Even last night you had trouble saying whether it was me or Somchai you cared about. I won’t be anyone’s second choice.”

“You’re my first choice, you always have been.”

“Nice try. If I had always been your first choice, why wasn’t I the first person you slept with?”

“Because I had no idea you were gay. You were always surrounded by girls. As far as I saw, you never discouraged them.”

“Did you ever ask me? Did you ever tell me you liked me?”

“No!”

“Why?”

“Because, once I realized I was gay, I was afraid if you knew you’d never speak to me again. In high school, I had no idea if anyone else was gay. If Somchai hadn't approached me I would have thought I was the only one. Don't forget, you were ignoring me at school and home.”

“It was you who ignored me. You moved into a new room to get away from me.”

“I had my reasons, not the least being what would you have thought if I got hard every time you changed in front of me?” Lom asked this a bit too loudly for Fah’s comfort. He immediately looked around the café and was relieved no one had heard. 

“It might have been a conversation starter,” said Fah, laughing despite himself. Lom smiled. 

“I can’t change the past. I slept with Somchai in high school. He found me and nursed me back to health. From the start, I told him I was in love with someone else and he accepted it. We didn’t start having a sexual relationship until much later. I went on social media, and none of your accounts had new activity. I checked out Run's, Mek's, and Manao's and you weren't in any of their photos. The website for Khun Korn's office says Ohm and Win own it and that Khun Korn does investigations. In my mind, you were gone and I was alone in this world. Somchai was all I had; I have no friends or family.”

“My friends are your friends.”

“No, they’re not. They made that very clear to me last night,” said Lom. He swallowed hard as he stared at Fah. “No one wanted me to speak with you. Manao, Mek, and Run all told me to leave you alone. Your brother threatened to have me arrested for kidnapping your family if I spoke to you.” Fah’s eyes widened in surprise. “I’d appreciate it, if you still decide to cut me out of your life after we speak today, that you don’t let him send me to jail. Not only don’t I want to be in jail, my father would find out and have someone inside kill me.”  

Fah agreed, knowing what Lom had said was true.

“You once told me I couldn’t be in love with you, that I just thought I was in love with you because everyone falls in love with their first. Is that why you are in love with Somchai? He was your first?” Fah's voice wavered as he spoke.

“I’m not in love with him, I never have been.”

“Does he know that?”

“Yes. It was part of the reason we broke up and why he kicked me out last night.” 

“He did?” 

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” 

“I’m sorry your relationship ended. You must be sad, you two looked so happy before you saw me.”

“I was as happy as I could be with someone other than you. Somchai could tell you I wasn’t in the relationship I wanted. He knew I loved someone else, and it hurt him.”

“Why did you tell him?”

“I couldn’t lie about something like that. It’s not fair to him, he has the right to choose someone who would view him as their first choice.”

“Oh, that makes sense.” Fah was touched by Lom’s honesty. 

“Over the past year, I’ve thought of you every day. I never doubted you were dead, so I was never truly happy but I tried my best for Somchai’s sake.” Neither spoke for a few minutes. Lom asked the question he’d been trying not to ask. “You said last night was wonderful. Are you going to see him again?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe…”

“Will you see me again?”

“I don’t know, maybe…” Fah prepared for Lom’s angry reaction but Lom said nothing. For a moment Lom simply stared at his coffee. He swallowed hard, his hands gripping the edge of the table so tightly his knuckles were white. “Are you okay?” He’d never seen Lom act this way.

Lom nodded but avoided any eye contact. He stood up. “Thank you for having breakfast with me, it meant a lot. I better get going.” He turned to leave.

“Wait,” Fah said, a bit surprised. Lom stopped but didn’t turn around. 

“What?”

“Where are you going to live?” It was all Fah could think to ask. Lom turned to face him. 

“Who knows? I’m homeless so I need to spend the day apartment hunting. You must be anxious to get back to your friends. They must be eager to hear about your big night.” He forced himself to smile. “Take care of yourself.” Walking briskly he headed back to the hotel.