I'm with Noah Taylor right now after my anxiety attack happened. We were sitting on the bench in front of a statue and the leaves were falling from the tree, which is a sign that winter is coming. This is my favorite spot on this campus. I can think clearly here, and I can focus whenever I draw. We were silent for thirty minutes and no one wanted to break it until I spoke.

“Thank you for... helping me to breathe.” I said while looking at my hands. I am doing a torn-out skin on my thumb. This is what I do after that attack. I didn’t hear him, or he didn’t speak so I looked at his side and he nodded while smiling a little bit and was not looking at me, “Every time I’m seeing blood or just a drop of blood. It triggers me.” I saw in my peripheral view that he was looking at me, “It...” no, I can’t tell him. I want to tell him but I can’t.

I suddenly felt electricity when he held my shaking hands on my lap. I looked at him and he was smiling at me, “It’s going to be fine.”

I’d always hear those sentences, and everyone tells me that it will be okay but Noah, his words felt like a shield from those spears that wanted to attack my mind and for the first time, I stopped trembling. I stared at those gray eyes while he said those repeating sentences, I felt he was my shield. I felt safe and by holding his hands, it was the armor. 

I smiled back at him, “I know the breathing technique when my anxiety happens but, I can’t think of anything because of those horrible scenes that consume my mind and... I'm really grateful to you.”

“Anytime, you can rely on me.”

I looked forward and he was still holding my hands, I breathed heavily, “Every time it happened, I thought every second that I would die. I want to control it.”

“You have to face it. I don’t know what happened but, I know the feeling that you want to run away from those feelings, the pain, and you just want to bury it all and forget everything. And every time you were alone, it suddenly appeared in your mind and those memories that you buried were still there.”

I looked at him. His eyes were so sad and all I could think was holding his hand that was still holding mine. We were silent in that position when my phone suddenly rang. Our hands got separated, and it felt like I was falling into the ocean.

“My aunt, I have to take this.”

“Yeah, sure.” 

I answered the call and before I speak, she sounds worried, “Where are you? Are you okay? I’m on my way there.”

I narrowed my eyes because she sounds worried?

“Um... Sandra, I'm on campus and studying.”

“Athena, why didn’t you tell me? Just wait for me there, okay?” she said then hung up. 

“Athena, look at this.” Noah said and I turned to him. He gave me his phone and my eyes widened and my heart was pounding because of this video of myself hyperventilating. I forgot, Thomas wasn’t the one who attracts attention today by punching that asshole, it was also... me.

I groaned and stood up, walking fast to punch whoever uploaded this goddamn video. My whole family doesn’t know that I have anxiety except Charlotte, of course, because I don’t want them to know because they are all going to overreact. I can feel that my whole family will contact me nonstop, so I decided to turn off my phone. 

“Athena,” Noah called me and yanked me towards him. We were a few inches away from each other, “Calm down, okay? Let me talk to the person who uploaded this video. I will take care of it.”

I'm just staring at him and clenching my hands. I'm terrified. I-I'm scared. I-I don’t know what to do because my mind was blank. It feels like I am floating over the sea of shattered glasses. The tears that I’ve been holding on were falling like a river when I saw my mom’s face.

“Hey, it's alright.” 

I hug her when I run towards her. I can’t deal with all of this, “Mom...” I said crying. I couldn't hold my tears anymore and was feeling vulnerable. 

“Yes, I’m here.” she said while trying to calm me down and tap my back, “Let’s get you home.” She supported me, wrapping her arms around my waist as I felt secure, and we walked our way to her car. 

I heard my mom’s voice, and she was there, like a guardian angel who always guided me. I didn’t notice that I fell asleep. I wake up, yawning in my car seat and looking at my side. It’s dark outside. I narrowed my eyes because it was swollen.

“You didn’t wake me.” I said to her,

Unfortunately, because I was hallucinating, I thought of her as my mom. I can say, they have similarities. Their eyes and smile. 

She smiled at me, “I didn’t want to disturb you. You look like an angel.” 

I crunched my nose and got out of the car first. She followed me inside and stopped from my tracks when I remembered something. I turned around to face her and she was taking off her coat.

“Did I call you... mom?” I thought it was just a dream but she gave me a warm smile.

“I wish for a daughter, so I don’t mind if you call me mom. If it's alright with you.” 

“Um... I'm going to change.” I said and turned my back on her. Okay, that was awkward. I felt awkward because she is okay with it, which is that I don't see her that way or maybe—just a while ago. Yeah, she looks like mom but they’re different. Okay, I just miss my mom so much that I called her “mom” a while ago.

I lay my back on my bed and felt exhausted. This day was the worst day of my college life. Being a famous hyperventilating girl and, and—oh my god.

My heart started pounding again just thinking about his name. I hold my chest. I forgot everything that I didn’t notice Noah was holding my hands and he was there for me when I almost died. He saved me. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I can still feel his hands on my hand. I don’t think I like him. I think... I think I love him. I wanted to see Noah and tell him how I felt. I know that we have mutual feelings—no. Maybe he was just being kind and saw me as his little sister. 

Ugh, this kind of doubt made me nervous. Also, this is the first time that I like someone, first time to confess. I shouldn’t tell him. Right?

I heard a pounding sound from the window. I glanced at it, but it was nothing until I saw something that made the sound. I narrowed my eyes. Was someone throwing a small rock at the window?

I got curious and took a look and then the one who is in my mind right now is outside, in our front yard, waving at me. I immediately open up the window and look around, “Hey, what’re you doing here?”

“Are you alright?” he whispered but I didn't hear him. I mouthed him, "what" then his voice became loud, and I smiled. I’ve noticed that there is a small amount of water pouring from the sky until it rains.

“Come up here.” I told him then he does so. My room was not that high, but it was on the second floor and Noah just managed to sneak inside. I close the window and look up at him.

His clothes got as wet as his hair a little. My lips curled up a little and I managed to control my happiness, “What are you doing here?”

His smile is my favorite, “Making sure you're okay.” His eyes were so concerned that I felt needy. But I don’t want to be a burden. 

So, “Nah. I’m fine, really. Thank you for saving my life.” I said and sat on the floor.

“You have nothing to worry about. It got deleted.” He was talking about the video and then I just smiled at him. He sits beside me. I crossed my leg while he leaned his arm to his right leg.

I take a deep breath, “Okay, I’m... I’m not fine.” I breathe out the heavy burden in my chest. I can’t pretend that I’m fine when he is already here beside me and makes me feel vulnerable. Our shoulders were touching but I didn't mind, “You know that Jeremy is my cousin and obviously that woman you saw earlier is not my mother.”

“What happened?” he asked.

“My mom died when I was sixteen. She has cancer. I know that it was almost three years ago, but it felt like yesterday, almost every day.” 

“I can relate to that.” He said and laughed a little, “You can’t force your feelings or tell yourself that you will get over it, honestly, it was a lie. Because every time you saw a remembrance of her, it was hard to let go. You were just pretending every day that it was nothing and you are fine but deep, deep inside? You are lying to yourself.”

We both look forward and stare at nowhere and our heads are resting on the wall, “But, sometimes lying is good. Right?” 

“I can agree to that. Well, a smile is a good thing to hide it.” I looked at him and he looked at me. He was so close. 

The side of my lips curled up a little, “You have a nice smile even though it pains you more, I can see that.” 

He smiled and his gaze was not on my eyes but on my lips. My eyes are fixated on him, and I can feel that he is attempting to kiss me. Right now, my feelings were valid. I want this. He may be breaking the wall that I've been building and maybe he can let me out of my prison. In that way, I can now free myself. 

He is leaning closer to me and we almost kissed when suddenly someone burst into my room. I looked at the person and it was Jeremy, staring at us. I quickly pulled myself away from Noah and I stood up. I walk to the door and quietly shut it. I leaned closer to Jeremy and cleared my throat, “Um, we were just talking and don’t tell this to your mom. Okay, buddy?” 

Okay. Why did I say that? It feels like we were doing something bad. He didn’t answer me and I signaled Noah to leave. He went out to the window and I sighed.  

“Noah’s your boyfriend?” 

“Um, it's not like that.” well, apparently, in the future? 

“What is he doing here?” 

“Well, we were just chatting, you know, we’re friends.” That’s a lie. For now, we’re friends, but I don’t know. He was just staring at me, processing my words. 

“Okay.” He said and shrugged, “Dinner’s ready.” 

I smiled at him, and I didn’t know if I was faking it because it felt like I was hiding something. I just nodded, “Okay, I will be there.” 

“Hurry! I’m hungry!” 

“Alright!” I rolled my eyes as I shouted back at him because he was already outside. 

I take a deep breath and look outside of the window if he was still there but I don’t see any traces of him. Somehow, I felt relieved. The burden that I felt in my chest suddenly disappears like a wind. He takes all of it. 

I went to the dining area to have dinner with my second family. 

“You have a nice aura.” Jeremy’s dad says. 

I looked at him and didn’t notice that he was talking to me. 

“Yeah. You have a brighter smile. It suits you.” aunt Sandra says. 

And I look at her, “Um...” I swallow my food before I speak, “I guess I have to adapt and accept the things around me. I realized, I can’t always hide behind closed doors."

“Nice quote.” Mr. Baker says while eating his meal. 

“I am glad that you can now adjust. I know these past few days have been hard for you but don’t forget that you have a family here. You can always talk to me.” She smiled at me. A warm smile made a bond between us. A bond that I am ready to connect.