Gender Dysphoria = Distress about the sex and/or gender assigned at birth. This is generally split into two types, physical gender dysphoria and social gender dysphoria. Physical dysphoria is about how you experience your own body and the problems with how your body looks/functions. Social dysphoria is about how others perceive you and respond to who you are, based on their gender assumptions. I don't get much social dysphoria these days, as people usually 'see' me as a girl, but the physical dysphoria can flare up from time to time and it always catches me off guard.

When Jason came over, I was still laughing with Elliot, but as my heart slowed down again, and as my need to touch Elliot became stronger, I knew I was in trouble.

I'm in big trouble. I want to touch Elliot. I want to touch him, I want to kiss him... But that... that can't happen. It just can't.

I'm not sure if Jason realised it before I did, or if he was simply checking in on me after the crazy antics just now, but I know he felt the change in me too. He knows. He's always been able to sense how I feel pretty easily, he's saved me from panic attacks and other things more than once. How can he read me so much easier than I can read myself? Why does he always know how I feel when I don't even know how to explain it?

I think Elliot knows something is up. I think he saw it. He's quieter now, looking at me carefully. I don't want him to look like that, but I don't know how to break him out of it. I don't know how to break him out of that mood without admitting to things I don't want to talk about.

A really cool pair of boots appears in view. "I'm going out for a smoke, you want to join?" Ruby's voice is low, calm, over the music.

I nod, taking the last sips from the cup. "Yeah, I think that's a good idea." Not being in this stuffy room will probably clear my head some. I turn to Elliot, who smiles a little. "You coming too?" I don't know if it's a good idea, but not asking him to come with us would be rude.

"Sure." He empties his cup too, and stands up. "Some fresh air is nice."

"I don't know about fresh." I raise an eyebrow in Ruby's direction, who shrugs.

"It will be colder." He smiles.

"Right," Elliot mumbles and then he touches his fingers to my arm. "It will at least be quieter, which is also nice."

My heart skips a beat and my whole body tenses. Quieter, yes. Of all the things he could have said, I'm not sure if quieter makes me feel better, because quieter means that we can talk easier, we can hear each other better. And that's... that prospect is scary.

We make our way to the front, flashing our bracelets to the guy at the doors and then we walk off a little, going to one of the further away picnic tables. Ruby and Jason are with us, but I'm only hyper-aware of Elliot being next to me.

Before I can sit down, Elliot tugs on my arm. I turn to him, my stomach sinking, especially when I see the look in his eyes.

"Izzy?" He licks his lips, his beautiful lips...

I nod, not sure I can say much right now, my heart beating too loudly, my brain going weird just looking at him.

"Can I..." He eyes Jason and Ruby, before looking back at me. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Ehm..." Is this even a good idea? But I can't say no to that look in his eyes. I can't say no when he looks like that. "Sure."

He nods, taking my hand. "We'll be right back." He carefully pulls me along, to a more secluded area, a little hidden away from the rest.

I tense up, no longer sure this is a good idea. "Elliot?" I need him to look at me. I can protect myself if the worst comes to pass, but I don't want that. I want to prevent getting in a situation that would force me to defend myself in the first place.

"Oh." Elliot turns back to me, his eyes filled with anxiety, then he looks around. "Of course. Sorry." He stops walking, his eyes still darting around. "Sorry. I didn't mean to... I just wanted to..." He lets go of my hand, running it over the side of his neck. "I just wanted to talk to you, make sure you're okay."

So he did see it. He saw my little break down earlier. I try to smile, but I feel like he's looking right through it. "I'm okay. It's just been a long day."

He nods. "Right." He reaches out and touches my arm, sliding his fingers down until they reach my hand.

I want this, I want him. But I know that I can't do it. I can't do this. I can't... I don't respond fast enough and he slowly pulls his hand back

"What's wrong?" There is a flash of emotion going through him, but then something else happens, it's like a wall comes down between us and my heart aches. No. "Sorry. I just... I thought you... I..."

It's not like we've not been friendly all day, touching, hugging, being close. So, me acting like this, it's got to give him the wrong signal now. I wish it wasn't like this. "Nothing to apologise for." I carefully take his hand, but I know that it's already broken. Whatever we had, we just broke it.

No.

I don't want that. I don't want that to happen.

I don't know what I want exactly, I know what I can't have. But I also don't want to have to push him away.

"I guess I should..." Elliot moves his other hand nervously, but doesn't take his hand out of mine. That's got to count for something, right?

"Can you..." I don't want him to leave yet. If we leave this, I know that everything will be broken. "I'd like to stay here for a while longer."

He nods. But the wall doesn't go away, it's still there.

If we were now in an anime or a simpler world, I'd have kissed him. I'd have kissed him to show that even though I can't say anything, I don't hate him. I'm acting like this because I like him. I'm acting like this because I want there to be more between us.

But I can't. I can't do that. No matter that Elliot is a crossdresser, I'm trans. I'm a girl, but I was born a boy, and no matter how open-minded people are... that's usually enough reason for people to not want to be involved with me in anything more than just friends. So it's better if we don't even start all of this.

No matter how much I'd love to, I can't push this on him, I can't do it. He's cute, he'll find a girl who doesn't have the baggage I have... He'll find someone good.

He'll find someone who deserves him.

I slowly let go of his hand. This is better for the both of us. I know it is.

I pretend like I can't see the flash of pain going over his face. I pretend like I can't see that look.

"Let's go back." I turn around before he can see my pride slip, before he can see these feelings inside.

When we're halfway back to the table with Jason and Ruby, he touches my back softly. "I'm going back inside. I didn't tell Mya where I was going."

I nod. "Okay." I try to keep my voice normal. "See you later." I don't look back at him, though I listen to his footsteps, his heels clicking on the pavement, as he walks away.

I blink fast, clenching my jaw, my breathing irregular. This is for the best. Really.

When I get back to the picnic table, both Jason and Ruby frown as they look at me. I shake my head and sit down next to Jason, who wraps his arm around me and pulls me close. Tears prick in my eyes and I don't want to cry. Not over this. Not over something so insignificant.

"What happened?" Jason's voice rumbles in his chest.

"Nothing." Which is exactly why this is so hard. Nothing can happen. Not now, not ever. Nothing. "This just... this was stupid."

"Are you sure?" Ruby sounds serious, and when I look his way, his eyes are filled with worry.

"Yeah." I nod. "You know I can't just... You know. It's not fair to him." I sigh. "This is better."

"For who?" Ruby doesn't let up. I know he doesn't agree with my 'don't date' rule, or even my 'no kissing' rule. But I've been hurt too often, even well before I even got to that stage. I don't want to have to go through that pain, or that fear, again. It's better that we now establish this as a friendship and nothing more, than get any further and get hurt down the road.

"I'm going inside." I slip out of Jason's embrace.

"You want me to come with you?" Jason looks up at me, but I shake my head.

"I'm going to bed. I think I'm just tired. This will probably all be better after I've slept well enough." I try to smile at them. I'm not sure how well that works, but that's okay. They know me, they know me well enough to understand why I have to do this. This will be okay.

I flash my bracelet at the guy at the door and go inside, walking through the front hall when my heart jumps a moment.

There, leaning against the wall, leaning next to the doorway to where the ball is taking place is Elliot. He looks upset.

I clench my fists as he spots me, pushing himself off the wall, coming over, his eyes so confused.

No. Please, no.

"Izzy..." He's getting closer. He's getting so much closer. Now he's standing in front of me, holding out his hand to me.

I slide my hand into his, but this time I'm the one tugging him along. I don't want to be here out in the open, it doesn't feel safe. I tug him along to where the elevators are, it's a little more secluded here.

"Izzy?" His voice is so sweet. "Please, talk to me."

I turn his way. "I want to kiss you." The words spill out and I don't even regret saying them.

"Me too." Elliot steps closer.

"But we can't." I put my hand on his chest, suddenly aware of all the ways that we're the same and all the ways we're different. "We can't. You don't know enough about me. I'll disappoint you. You'll hate me later."

"Why would I?" He doesn't move, his heartbeat fast under my touch. "Who says that you won't be the one disappointed in me?" That's what I'm afraid of, that I'll have given my heart to a guy who will never accept me. Who will disappoint me. Who will hurt me.

"There are so many things I have to tell you before we can do that." I really should, but the way he's looking at me, the way he's licking his lips... I have a hard time resisting him any longer. I just want to be a girl. I just want to feel like a normal girl, a normal girl taking a chance on kissing a boy she likes.

"Do you already have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or a partner?" He looks like he's thinking.

I shake my head. I wish it was as easy as that.

"So, you're totally free to kiss me, technically? And I'm free to kiss you?"

I nod. Technically, yes. "But there are just things..." Things he should know, but they'll break the spell.

"Things that would prevent this kiss from happening? Things that are standing in the way of a kiss, right now? A simple kiss. We may not even enjoy it." He flashes a small smile. Like that could happen with him...

I don't know how to explain it right now. I should tell him, but what's the harm of one kiss? Just one kiss? It doesn't even have to mean that much. It's just a kiss. My first kiss...

Elliot's arms move, and slowly slide around my waist, he's not coming closer, just reaching out. "Can I kiss you?" I look at him, trying to find if he's joking or anything, but he looks so serious.

I slowly slide my arms up his chest, wrapping them around his neck. "Yes." My voice is low, a sound I didn't expect. Too low...

But before I can second guess what I've just agreed to, I step closer to him, and put my lips to his. Elliot's lips are warm and a little dry and patchy from wearing lipstick all day. It feels good, for a moment.

Then his stubble scratches my chin and immediately the nagging of my body dysphoria flares up. No. Not now. I try to focus on how Elliot feels, how good he feels in my arms. But all I feel are the ways in which he is male and in which I'm still inadequate. All the ways we're the same, all the ways I'm not a girl. I'm not a girl.

My first kiss. It should have been so good, it should have been a happy moment.

Instead... I have a bad flare up of my dysphoria and panic settles in my stomach, making my hands shake, my chest tighten.

Elliot pulls back. "Izzy? What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

I shake my head. He didn't hurt me, not in ways that he could have prevented anyway...

"Are you okay?" He sounds so worried.

"I need to go to bed." I step out of his arms, not able to look at him. I can't face his disappointment, not now. I can't do it.

I need to... I need to get to my room. I need to be safe. I can't do this. I really can't do this. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have given into my instinct.

"I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me. I've got... issues." I sigh, still not looking at him. "Sorry." Then I make my way over to the elevators, needing to get away from Elliot.

My dysphoria is fighting with the way my heart is breaking.

This afternoon everything was fine, everything was fun. Now, I've ruined everything.

I wish I'd been born a girl, I wouldn't have had this same problem if I'd actually been born a girl.

Elliot and I could have worked out if I'd not been born in the wrong body.

Another point for my messed up me to get in the way of actually doing fun things...

Will this ever go away?

Will I ever be able to do the things I love?