Transgender = A term for people whose gender does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. This can range from people feeling uncomfortable with their gender to people who really want to change to a different gender. I knew from a young age that I was a girl, not a boy, no matter what my birth certificate says. Luckily, my parents have always been very accepting of this and have always fought for my right to be who I am. I know that not everyone accepts it so easily though, and telling the wrong people can get me beaten up or worse... So I'm always a little scared when I want to tell someone.

I wrap my arms around myself closely as I'm on my bed. I need to keep myself together. I need to do this.

I can't break. I can't give up on my own rules just for one cute guy with a cute smile, and really nice lips. And Elliot looked so sexy too, in his jeans and t-shirt. It suited him so well. Really, it doesn't matter how he dresses, but I already knew that. I already knew that he looked good either way...

There is knocking on the door and then someone opens it with a key.

"Izzy?" It's Jason.

"Yeah." I sit up, pulling on my clothes to get them to fit right.

"I got you some breakfast." He comes in with a tray. "I'd have brought a cute guy with it, but I don't know if you want to see him right now."

I glare his way. "Really?" That's what he's going to joke about now?

"Yeah, really." Jason's voice is steady and he puts the tray next to me on the bed. "He looks honest."

"I know." I look at the croissants and muffins on the plate, glaring at them more like it. Like I don't know how honest Elliot looks, how caring. "I almost..." I eye Jason before looking back down at the food. "I almost told him." I swallow hard. "Last night. This morning. I almost told him. But I'm scared."

"I know." Jason reaches out and then pulls me closer, wrapping me in his arms, protecting me. "I know that you're scared. But I think you can trust him. You've trusted all of us. You've trusted the others. I think you can trust him too."

My heart does a little jumpy thing at the thought of Elliot knowing about me being transgender, at the thought of him accepting me, and not pushing me away...

"Go have breakfast." Jason's voice is sweet. "We've got outfits to get ready in. They're not going to be easy to put on."

"Yeah, yeah." I poke him in his side, making him jump a little. Then I get back over to my bed and start eating.

Jason is right, we've got outfits to wear today. We've got people to impress. I'm here for the convention, for the fun with my friends. I don't have to let it get sidetracked by a boy.

No matter how cute he is...

***

A few weeks ago, Jason and I came up with the idea to not just cosplay, but to give our own twist on an outfit that is inspired by magical girl anime outfits. Basically, the most generic and over-the-top magical girl outfit you can imagine. It was really fun, finding all the different elements we were going to use. A lot of layers under the skirt, lots of bows on them and things like that.

My mood has definitely lifted while we were getting ready and remembering all the time we spent on designing and creating the outfits, especially since we didn't show anyone what we were up to. It's going to be a surprise when people finally see us.

Jason did my make-up, frowning a little at the puffiness of my eyes. But I know that I can't help it, I cry easily and my eyes always go all red when I do. He just had to hide them a little with some make-up.

When we finally leave the room again, I feel a lot calmer and a lot stronger. I can do this. I can really do this. This weekend is for fun and friends, and that's what I'm going to be doing.

When we get downstairs, Ruby is already waiting for us, his eyes start to shine the moment he sees us. "I can see why you kept this a secret." He grins as he looks us over. "Yeah... That's... something else." Then his eyes stay on me, softening. "How are you feeling?"

I carefully smile. "Tired. But I'll survive."

He nods. "Good. Now, let's get inside. I'm sure there are a couple of things we've not seen yet." He grins, and we get in line. Today is a lot faster, since we've got our bracelets and everything, so we can just get into a separate line instead of having to wait at the main line.

With all the things that happened yesterday, I totally forgot to buy cool things at the stalls. It kind of totally got distracted by things yesterday.

Ah, well. That's okay, it's not like there are really so many things I want anyway. Maybe just a fun t-shirt or a manga or something.

We walk through lines with stalls, greeting people we know, checking out what they're selling and such. I've been coming here for a couple years now, so I've gotten to know some people really well.

That, and then there is Emma who is also a Destruction of Elysium player and in the same guild as I'm in. So we talk to each other a lot and I'm always so proud when I see people with the things that she makes herself. It's so cool to see someone create things that so many people love.

But as we approach her stall, my heart drops. There, in front of the stall, is Elliot, taking to her, laughing with her. I don't know why, but I somehow hadn't expected to see him, at least not just yet... I stop, just staring.

"We can come back later." Ruby puts his hand on my back, but right then, Emma spots us and waves us over.

"Hey, everyone. I barely saw you yesterday, so crazy busy. How are you doing?" She's grinning and I can't just walk away now, that would be rude.

"We're good." Jason steps behind the stall and hugs Emma. "How are the sales going?"

"Good. Really good. Already sold out all the plushies and things I made myself. So I've just got some manga and game swag left. I'll have to try to get more next year." Her eyes stay on me, raising an eyebrow. "I'd really love it if I could get help to make some more next year."

"From me?" I try to focus on what she's saying, but having Elliot so close next to me is throwing me off. "Why?"

"Because you're great and really fast?" She smiles. "I've seen you work, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah." I smile back. "But you know that I'm busy with my own shop. Or, well, I will probably be again, right before con season."

"True." She shrugs. "Just think about it, please? It would really help me out."

"I know." I also step behind the stall, giving her a quick hug.

"Oh." Emma's eyes start to shine. "Elliot just showed me pictures of you two together yesterday. You looked awesome. Too bad I couldn't get my own pics of you two."

I nod, not sure what to answer now.

"Maybe next time," Elliot answers instead.

Next time? My hear does a little floppy thing, and I finally look his way again.

"Hey." His voice is soft, and I don't know how I should read the look in his eyes. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

I nod, he just makes me feel so much, I just wish things weren't so complicated.

Elliot reaches out to me and I take his hand. Then he pulls me along, away from everyone else, and then he crosses a food area and sits down at one of the furthest away tables.

When he looks at me, I just want to believe that this isn't going to end badly. I don't want this to end badly because I don't want this all to end at all.

Getting real with myself... I really don't want this to end, I want to stay close to Elliot, even if it scares me.

"I'm sorry." He runs his hand over the back of his neck, sighing. "I'm sorry if I scared you or anything."

"You don't..." What do I want to say? He doesn't scare me? It's kind of obvious. "I'm easily scared."

"Yeah." He smiles a little now. "I got that." He sighs again. "I guess I just wanted to say that I don't want you to be scared of me. And that..." He looks away, going quiet.

"What is it?" This guy...

"I think it's better if we take this slowly." He carefully takes my hand. "I know that you have thousands of reasons why you think this will never work out. I know that already. I'm just asking... give me a chance, please?"

My throat closes up and my eyes start to burn. "I can't cry right now. The make-up." I'm still too raw for his sweet words.

Elliot smiles. "I'm not trying to make you cry. I'm trying to prevent it, honestly." He reaches up, and I realise he's got a napkin in his hand. Then he carefully runs it under my eyes. "I really want to get to know you. I think you're great and I'd like to get a chance to know how great."

"I'm not that great," I grumble, but my heart is beating like crazy. That's like... basically a confession, right?

"I'm pretty sure that people always underestimate their own greatness. So..." He shrugs a little, still smiling.

"Until when are you staying at the hotel?"

"Tomorrow morning." He smiles. "I learned early on that going back home on the same day is a recipe for disaster and it always makes the second day feel so rushed."

I nod. So, I've got a full day. A full day to get to know Elliot and figure out what and if I'm going to tell him anything. "Me too. We're leaving tomorrow too."

"Good." He squeezes my hand a little. "So, what about my proposal? Will you give me a chance?" Proposal?

I nod. A chance is only fair. It's only fair to get to know him better before I decide if I'm pushing him away or not. I guess that one more day can't hurt. And if it doesn't work out... then maybe all this was supposed to be was just a con fling and nothing more. And I'm actually pretty good with that too, I think.

"Can I still kiss you?" Elliot's eyes sparkle with mischief.

"Sometimes." Because, please, yes.

"Will you freak out again?"

Like last night... "I can't promise anything."

"Fair enough. I'll take that chance." He leans in, and I close the last distance between us.

This time I'm prepared, this time I know what to expect and even though the dysphoria nags at me, I hold his hands, his grip strong, and I focus on all the other things. On his scent, on the way he's so warm. It pushes the dysphoria away enough to enjoy the kiss this time.

When he pulls back, our breathing is hard and I can feel all the ways that my body responds to the kiss. All the ways that he makes my body buzz, just being so close to him. It scares me a little, but it also makes me feel like I'm just a normal girl. Just a normal girl who's got a crush on a cute boy.

A really cute boy.

Elliot smirks, his eyes sparkling.

"What?"

"I can see your blush through your makeup." He reaches out, carefully running his finger over my cheek. "It's cute."

I try to glare at him. "You're just making it worse." My cheeks are burning up, and I don't know how to make it stop anymore. This guy... He really doesn't know how to stop, does he? Does he even realise what he does to me? Does he even realise that it's not that easy for me to try and hide my feelings?

Though, seeing the look in his eyes, maybe he does know.

And I don't know which is worse. The thought of him not realising how he affects me, or him realising and still deciding to act like this? Teasing me?

And what about me? What about how I feel watching him like this?

This sucks.

This sucks, sucks, sucks!