"Lom?"

"Mm."

"Where are you going?"

"To wash up," he said as he shut the bathroom door behind him. Fah rolled back onto the bed, lost in his thoughts.

In the shower, Lom went over everything in his head. He grabbed the soap and lathered up. Shouldn't he be elated? He had sex with Fah, something that, until a few days ago, he'd never thought possible. Instead, he felt hollow inside as if something wasn't right. 

What's wrong with me? Why aren't I happier? I had sex with the man I love, who also loves me. Why do I feel so detached? But I wasn't in bed with my lover, was I? Fah said he wasn't sure if he wanted to see me again. I was in bed with a man I thought I knew, someone I thought only wanted to be with me. But who the hell has a clue what's been going on while we've been apart? 

Lom thought back to their previous times in bed. Fah always worried he wouldn't please Lom because he wasn't as experienced. No matter how hard Lom tried to assure him everything was fine, Fah had always hesitated. He'd often thought how exciting it would be if Fah initiated things and took the lead for once, so he didn't understand his doubts now.

Tonight Fah had been aggressive and demanding. At times he almost sounded like a Dom, but I doubt Fah entered the world of BDSM. In bed, his actions were skilled and smooth, as if he'd gained experience over the past two years. How many guys has he fucked while we were apart? Sure, he says he hasn't been with anyone else, but... 

Thinking it over, it was easy for Fah to say something and not be questioned. Everyone thought Lom mistreated poor Saint Fah, the man who could do nothing bad or wrong. Most of their friends thought Fah deserved better than Lom. 

How can Fah's lovemaking change that much? His friends believe his story of celibacy but who knows?  

Run, Mek, Manao...all three have IG accounts full of posts from nights out, none of them with Fah. What if Fah waits until his friends go out and then sneaks out to have a private life? Sure his parents were home but I've spent years sneaking out of a house guarded by security people and I've never been caught. 

Lom took it one step further in his mind. 

Am I another one in his long list of one-night stands? Fah, there was always one thing you did, every time we were together, but you forgot to do it this time. Have you become such a man-slut you don't even remember to tell me you love me?

The realization Fah forgot that one thing, the most important thing to him when they'd been together before, was like a corkscrew in Lom's heart. Little by little things were building, cutting a hole that wouldn't be easily mended. He plastered on a look of indifference and went out to grab some clothes.

"Hey, the bathroom's all yours if you want to clean up," said Lom as he crossed the room to his bag.  Fah sensed a coolness in his tone. 

"Alright. Are we okay?" asked Fah. These were not the moments of afterglow he'd anticipated. 

"Yeah, sure, why wouldn't we be?" 

"I don't know, you seem a bit..."

"A bit?"

"A bit, I don't know. Aloof is the word I'd use." Fah was sure Lom understood what he meant and was purposefully pretending not to.

"Now I'm not behaving right?" asked Lom, a hint of anger in his tone.

"No! I don't mean that, it's just, well, in the past... you'd hold me after, and we'd talk. I liked it, it made me feel close to you, and loved."

"And now I don't make you feel loved?" Lom's expression was hard to read. Fah couldn't pinpoint it but something was definitely off. "Go take a shower, you're all sticky." Lom's tone was upbeat as he tried to calm Fah down. Lom began dressing and Fah smiled as he headed into the bathroom.

In the bathroom, Fah told himself he was overreacting.

I must be over-sensitive. This wasn't us just having sex, it was us reuniting after we thought we'd lost each other and all the other stuff that happened. I guess it's overwhelming and no matter what, we'd both have high expectations. I guess we should've talked it out before we had sex so things didn't turn out weird. 

Fah couldn't stop smiling. He'd finally overcome his self-consciousness and taken the lead. He knew it was something that irritated Lom in the past so he wanted to show him he could be the Fah Lom wanted. Several times he forced himself to retake the lead to prove to Lom his love was true. Hopefully, Lom noticed and appreciated it. 

Now that they were back together he couldn't wait to plan their future. His life goal since high school, other than becoming a top lawyer, was to live with Lom as his partner in a place of their own. Now that so many things had changed, it seemed that moment had arrived. 

Are we together? Of course, we are. Lom wouldn't have sex with me and then leave to be with Somchai, would he? 

I'll tell him I love him, that I never stopped loving him. I'll apologize for my stupidity in choosing to leave with Thanwa and for this morning when I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him. He probably already realized that was a lie. 

When haven't I wanted to be with him? If any of our friends had been there they would have made fun of me when I said I wasn't sure, everyone knows I'm Lom's without hesitation.

Sensing he needed to say all of this before he lost his nerve, he turned off the shower. He wrapped a towel around his waist, gave himself a last-minute pep talk, and stepped out to declare his love. 

The room was empty. Lom and his belongings were gone. 

No, he probably has a headache, he wouldn't just leave. He's probably out buying medicine, or something to eat. 

Fah scanned the room again and saw a note on the table. He rushed over and read it.

Fah,

I loved you so much and what we had before. I know I fucked up a lot so maybe I deserved this. Tonight I was so excited to be with you again and grateful you would give me another chance. I guess it's normal for people to change over time. In the past, you always told me you loved me during sex, but not tonight. I realized last night you were in this hotel with another man and tonight you're in a different room with me. 

Maybe it was vanity, or over-confidence on my part to think you'd want to

 start over with me. Although I enjoyed it, I sensed I was just another one of your one-night stands. I'm sorry for my part in messing things up but let's admit your feelings for me are gone and end it here. I wish you a happy life,

Lom

Fah read the note several times. The first time he was shocked. The second time tears gathered in his eyes. The third time the sound of his maniacal laughter brought him back to the present. 

"He doesn't like feeling like a one-night stand? Oh my God, he was with other people before me. Including Somchai! I have no idea how many people he fucked before we got together. After we had sex I was the one who said I loved him and he said I didn't mean it, I only thought it because we'd had sex. I even watched him fuck Mek and He doesn't want to feel like a one-night stand.  The audacity of this asshole!" 

The realization he had screamed this at the top of his lungs hit him. Hopefully, no one in neighboring rooms heard. Dressing quickly, he hurried to the lobby to find Lom. He wasn't there. Fah spoke to the front desk clerk who confirmed Lom had checked out. Running outside he scanned the streets in both directions before crossing over to the cafe. Again, Lom wasn't inside. 

Finally admitting defeat, he headed back to the hotel where his family and friends were.