Once lost, Now found

Chapter eight

Luca

I was too comfortable here. I don't want to leave, but over the last couple of weeks I've not seen him as much as I would have liked to. So I just immersed myself with his garden. I laid a brand new lawn and new flower beds. I moved the rose bushes along the edge on the far right of the garden, the place the sun hits first. I trimmed most of the roses and the flowers now sit in various vases dotted around the house. It looks different, and I also noticed he was coming out of his closed off shell, bit by bit or maybe he's trying to cover all those memories of his youth, maybe they were never good memories. 

He's not spoken much about his childhood or anything at all and I've not asked. I opened up to him about my father. I don't really understand why I did, but I did. Yet there's so much to tell, so much sex filled gore that I think he'd kick me away as soon as possible. I'm not proud of myself, I'm not proud of the life I've led so far, in fact I'm so disgusted that it even makes my own skin crawl. The hands that have touched my body, the moments I thought were bliss were nothing but lies, deceitful lies just so I could get by. But with Cas, I don't want to do that to him. I don't want to taint his beauty with my ugliness. So I realised no matter how warm and comfortable I am here, it's not going to last. I have to move on with my life and let him move on with his. Just a few more days, I tell myself and then it's over. I will be gone. I want to cry, but I hold back. Have you seen a grown ass man cry, it's not pretty. 

I heard the lock on the front door and then it shut. He's back. I felt the excitement bubble up in my stomach, but it's short lived because it's impossible. "Hey." He said, putting one of the few shopping bags he had down on the counter, I looked at them and the guilt came crashing down upon me.

"You keep feeding me….for what reason?" I felt the bile rise because I was angry at myself for taking advantage of this man.

"What's wrong?" I closed my eyes and held my face in the palm of my hands. They were sweaty and smelt of earth. "Luca?"

"I need to leave, I'm sure you can finish the rest." His shoulders slouched as he sat opposite me. "I'm sorry."

"Leave?" He whispers, as if it's a bad thing. It's certainly not a good thing if I stay any longer. "I don't want you to leave."

"Why!" I snapped, making him jump. "I'm sorry, it's just…."

"Don't, please don't leave, not yet."

"What's so good about me being here? You picked me up when I was pissed, you know I'm homeless. So I'm basically mooching off you. Don't you find that disrespectful?"

"You're not mooching. I….I want you here." 

"Why goddammit! Why, I'm a pathetic hobo, with nothing but the clothes on my back, so why Cas, tell me why." He held my stare. His eyes glazed over and a small tear fell down his cheek. What the fuck have I ever done? "Cas…."

"I don't want to be alone. I don't, it's frightening."

"Then go out, meet people, get a girlfriend or something."

"Girlfriend?" He said, as if asking a question. "I….don't go out with girls."

"What?" He inhaled deeply and let out a long breath. He clasped his hands so tightly together you could see the whites of his knuckles.

"I never open up, you know. Because I don't like my burdens being someone else's, but I lived in the city for just over six years. I was happy. I was part owner of a restaurant, with….with my fiance….Scott." I gasped. I didn't mean to, but he's gay….? "A….anyway. The years seemed so good. We were doing so well that I just didn't see how bad it really was. He left me ... .he said I just wasn't enough for him anymore…..I still remember pleading, on my knees, tears falling down my face, but that was it, end of. I sold most of what I owned and got back money that I had put into the restaurant and I came back home. Alone, with no one….I don't want to be alone Luca."

"I can't be his substitute Cas, it would hurt too much, for both of us." He gave me a small smile, but behind that small smile he was screaming in pain. "I'm sorry."

"I….I understand. Thank you for everything you've done so far, it's perfect. Your a good man, no matter what you've been through."

"I'm not as good as you think I am Cas." I watched him get up from where he sat and wandered out into the garden. I turned and watched him, I watched all the time. It makes my chest feel tight, it's a weird feeling. "Cas?" I followed him and walked up towards him, I softly took his arm and pulled him so I could see his face. Red eyes, wet cheeks and in that second I wanted to hold on and never let go. But what was it? Guilt? Pity? "Please don't cry, you're stronger than you know. You will be okay."

"Yeah." He replied, wiping his cheeks with his sleeves. "I'll be fine. Thank you Luca." Fuck!!! This is hard. I don't want to go. I don't want him to cry, all alone. I want to know he's okay, everyday. I want to see him smile for a different reason, everyday. What the fuck is wrong with me? "Luca, just promise me you won't drink and do stupid things." I pulled him in and wrapped my arms around his warm body. I wanted to push my face in his neck and take his sweet smell with me.

"I promise." I whispered.

"Thank you." He held my back with a firm grip. I could feel his fingers dig into my skin. I felt on fire. The bubbly feeling went from my stomach to my groin and I had to push him away. Believe me, I didn't want to. I wanted to pick him up, take him to bed and shower him with kisses. I wanted to hold him, make love to him. I wanted to hear him whisper my name as I pushed his limits. I wanted it like, no….I needed it, like the trees needed the sun, like every human on this damn planet needed oxygen. I needed him, but no. 

"I have to leave, thank you Cas, for accepting me. Thank you." I gave him a sweet kiss on the cheek and turned away from him. I prayed he'd grab my arm, I prayed he'd stop me from going, I prayed with everything I had that he would stop me, but he didn't. So I picked up my bag and I left. I left it all behind, because sometimes it's the best option for both involved, yet it doesn't stop it from hurting.