I sat in the car for a couple of minutes and thought over the conversation. It feels like a betrayal to my aunt for not telling her, but we already had this discussion before my move, and nothing changed from it. Aunt Jocelyn is my guardian and it also feels like there’s no point in changing if I’ll be turning eighteen next year. My plans are still the same, move to the college dorms, study while dating Stephanie, and have my family see me graduate. I gripped the stirring wheel and rested my head on it as I closed my eyes.

I’m not too sure how long I was in the car, but I heard a knock at my window and took a deep breath before seeing Millie outside my door. “I’m coming,” I said after opening my door.

“You don’t look so good,”Millie held the door and reached a hand out to touch my forehead. “Your not sick.”
For a second it felt like I was holding my breath until I inhaled sharply and try to understand what I’m feeling. “I think I’m having a panic attack or something,” I said and turned to them. “I don’t know what I’m feeling. I feel weird. Like something’s in my chest.”
“Yeah, that is a panic attack,” Millie mumbled as they croutch down and reached a hand out to touch my chest. “Take a deep breath. Slowly and breath out all that air.”

I tried to follow their instructions and did this for a few minutes. “How did you learn this?”

“Being bullied and outcast, you have to learn some sort of mediation to not go insane in this town,” Millie said and stood up straight to step back. “You should get out of the car. I’ll walk you to class this time.”

I grabbed my backpack and stood there before looking at Millie. “Let’s ditch school.”
“What? Are you thinking straight?” Millie asked confused.

“I am and my mood is telling me to skip school. I don’t feel good and I don’t wanna be here right now. I know you don’t want to be here either,” I said and put the backpack in the backseat again. “Let’s go before anyone notices.”
Millie looked back before nodding and moved to walk around the car to sit on the passenger seat. “Okay,” They said and shifted to put on their seat belt. “You're right but I’m doing this for you and making sure you don’t do something bad.”

“I’m not gonna do anything bad,” I said and turned on the car then began to drive out of the parking lot.

“Sure,” Millie said as they watched me and then looked out the window. “We can go to the park. No one goes there.”

It was a short drive to the park and I parked by a tree where we can sit comfortably. I lowered the windows and sat there quietly before turning off the car completely. I decided that I’m going to tell Aunt Jocelyn about the call because it feels like it’s not fair for her and she’s already worked so hard making things comfortable for me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Millie asked. 

I unbuckled my seat belt and glanced out the window. “My grandma called me,” I answered and moved a bit to remove my jacket. “Since the day my parents… Since everything that happened… She wanted me to live with her and she’s called to tell me that she’s going to try again with her lawyer.”

“And what did you say?”

“I couldn’t say anything. I told her I had to go to school and hanged up. She said not to tell my aunt, but I am and I don’t think I can move again.” I replied and put my jacket next to my backpack. “It’s a lot of stress.”

Millie covered their mouth before shifting their whole body to face me and take a deep breath before speaking. “I think you need to say it,” Millie replied.

“Say what?”

“You need to say it out loud… I know we’ve talked about it, but you haven’t said it,” Millie said in a gentle tone. “I think you can say it to me.”

I looked at Millie before facing forward and looked at the park view in front of me. “I don’t have to say it.” I mumbled and cleared my throat to speak louder. “This isn’t about that.”

“I’m sure it is.” Millie said.

I didn’t answer. I stared out the window before moving to step out of the car and moved to lean against the hood of the car. Millie followed and stood beside me while taking a glance at me. “Saying it, is admitting it.”

“That’s the point,” Millie said and reached out to grab my arm. “That’s why you need to say it. Accept and understand. Holding all that in won’t help you later on.”

I looked around at the empty park with a few people at the playground area and decided to walk over to the nearest empty table. There’s a few cemented tables in the park and I can see my car from this distance. 

“I blame myself for the cause of their accident,” I said after Millie followed behind me and sat down across from me. “Thats why I have trouble sleeping and having a hard time talking about it… Hearing you talk about the way people treated you and how you make yourself look unbothered… I don’t have that sort of confidence that you have.”

“I think your very confident. Your like the coolest person I know,” Millie retort.

I smiled and shook my head before looking again at the kids running around the playground. “I think I’m level headed and straight forward. It’s a bad trait of mine,’ I replied and pulled out my phone after hearing a text alert. “But my parents raised me to be honest and… My aunt texted me. I guess they already reached her about us missing classes.”
“Will she be angry?” Millie asked.

“No…” I answered and put my phone away after sending a short message.

“So are you changing the topic now?” Millie asked.

I shook my head and put my head down, shamefully. “Sorry… I can’t say it right now…”