I can’t help but sympathize with Thomas Harrison. He opened up about his father who cheated on his mother and things were messed up because of his father. He got emotional talking about him and he mentioned that his parents got a divorce. I wanted to ask him why those pictures are still hanging around in this living room but, I hold my tongue because I can feel his anger towards his father. Maybe, his mother didn’t want to remove those memories of him. I just realize love is very complicated. It's not about affection towards that person or sparks that you will feel because when you get married, those feelings will soon slowly disappear. Love is a commitment to a person. Even though you let go of him but the memories are still lingering in your mind, it is hard to forget. So, his mom chose to remember those memories even the person who built those memories with his mom is... giving her pain. 

“You are the first person to hear this story of mine. I don’t usually talk about my family but you made me feel safe to talk about it with you.” Thomas says and this is the first time that I saw him emotional or sad. I’ve known him as a cheerful person. I will never know how painful it is to be betrayed by someone you really love because I felt the love from my parents until my mother died from cancer. 

It seems, my family slowly disintegrates and the meaning of the word betrayed is not cheated, it is the bond.

I didn’t notice that it's getting dark. I smiled at him and stood up on my feet, “Tom, I need to get home and thank you.”

He nodded at me, “Anytime. See you tomorrow.” He stood up and I tapped his shoulder.

I stared at him for a minute and it seems he doesn't want to end this conversation with me. I smiled a little and hugged him. I tapped his back and I felt that he hugged me back.

“You can count on me, anytime.” I said and I could feel his warm breath on my neck and I shivered. I take a deep breath and pull myself from his arms.

I was walking on my way out when Cielle called for me. 

“Are you already going home?” I nod at her, “I made this.” I look at the tray she is holding on. She baked a macaroni.

“I’m sorry, Cielle. I want to stay longer but my aunt will get worried and I have class tomorrow. Don’t worry, we will see each other often.” I reassured her and her face lightened up.

It is hard to find happiness. But, when you find it, it might not last longer. Happiness will always stick with sadness. I wanted to visit the gallery. I wanted to see that painting again. I wanted to understand it, even if it hurts. 

I was waiting for the bus when my phone vibrated.

Noah: Where are you? I didn’t see you today.

I was replying to his text when someone called me.

“Hey,” I looked up when I heard a familiar voice and I didn’t tap the send because he's in front of me.

I smiled at him. "Hey,” 

“Something's wrong?” Noah asks.

“No. It's just... a tiring day. I guess.” I said and breathed out.

“You are not okay.”

“I am fine.” 

“Your voice says something different. Come with me.” He said then he held my hand.

“Where are we going?”

“I guess you didn’t get a time to ride this.” I looked at his back and he was dragging me. My feet are too heavy to walk and it won’t budge but it is easy for him to drag me, “This is the best time to see the beauty of sunsets. And you will love it.”

“Okay,” I said pretending to be okay but am I really transparent? I think I just absorbed the sadness from Thomas. I stare at Noah’s back. How can he look so happy when he is full of sadness in him?

We rode a boat until we got to the London Eye. He’s right. I don’t have time to ride this. And I think, this is the best time to get up far. It's our turn to get inside and then I sit on the middle where we can sit. It's very spacious inside and it's just the two of us here. He sat beside me and we were silent for a minute when I felt it was moving now.

“How do you know that I didn’t try this yet?” 

He look at me and then I stared at his gray eyes. He has perfect jawline and nice skin. Oh, god, the perfect orange lightning from the sun was emerging to his face and when he smiled, my heart skip a beat. 

“I must say, you are unpredictable sometimes and I want to know you more however, I know if you are sad. You are not afraid of heights but amaze with it. I admire you for being brave and kind. It makes my heart hurt when I see you sad and I know it will lessen when you are here in this kind of places. You also not a material person, that’s why I like you for being simple and yet, amazing.”

He likes me. 

He likes me. 

Wait, did he just confess?

I just stared at him and he looked away. He was smiling and then he is like a child when he pointed the view. I look in front of me and then I was awe by the view that I can’t explain what I am feeling right now. Happy, peaceful like I am in a clouds. He is right. I stared at the view and it is so beautiful from up here. 

“This is so amazing..." I look at Noah, and he is here beside me with the same feeling, “Thank you. For making me forget and felt important.”

He look at me and smiled, “No. Thank you for coming in my life.”

I felt... extremely, fulfilled happiness. Before, my heart was unsorted things and Noah, sort it out.

Right at this moment, these feelings are new to me but I am sure of one thing.

I love him.

Noah Taylor just filled my uncertain heart. And because my feelings for him became strong, I did what I wanted to do. 

I kissed him and I realized what I have done so, I pulled myself from him. I closed my eyes because of embarrasment, “I-I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” 

I look up at him and he is staring at me, intensely. We don’t need words. Intense eye contact just made us both taking things... forward.

My first kiss was out of my heart but, kissing Noah, is what my heart told me to do. What I wanted to do for so long even though I didn’t realizes that. I taste his mouth like he is waiting this moment for too long, that’s right. We were at the moment of we had almost kissed but something's always interrupted us. This moment, day, and time of my life is the best memory that I will never forget even though I don’t know what future holds but let me feel this moment. 

I don’t want to think any unnecessary things. Just him. His lips were so soft that I may get addicted. He pulled me into his body as we kissed deeper and I can feel his heat. We stop kissing when the Ferris wheel moves and we catches our breath.

“I will get addicted to it too.” He said and smile.

I am still holding onto his shoulder and looking up at him, “Did you read my mind?”

“You say it out loud while we kiss."

“Oh...” I looked away from him and that’s so embarrassing! I pulled away from him and turn my back, “Really?” 

I shivered when he hug me behind, "You’re cute when you are embarrass.”

“Ugh, forget it.” 

“Forget what?” he kissed me on my head. 

“What I said.”

I heard him laugh a little and I just let him hug me until we reached the ground. His laugh is like music in my ears.

I am talking now to my best friend because I told her what happened.

"What did you feel? Tell me!"

I cleared my throat, “I feel excited, happy, curious?”

"Oh, that’s normal! At last you felt something."

“This something is love right?”

“Don’t ask me. You have to be sure about your feelings.”

I nod at her, “Yes. I am sure. This is romantic and emotional attraction.”

"Don’t pressure yourself. You have been known him for two months. Just take it slow, okay?"

I didn’t respond because I am thinking...

“You know, I find myself more of rational when it comes to relationship.”

"You may find yourself in different scenarios."

“Do you think he likes me for sex?”

"I will be honest with you. You have a sex appeal and a lot of guys were interested in you. Guys may find you sexually attractive but emotional and romantic attraction is a different level for them. What do you think he likes you for?"

She’s right. A lot of guys were interested in me but I don’t give a shit because they just wanted sex and it’s a waste of time. Maybe, I wanted someone whom I felt connected. Someone who made me feel safe around them, "We both emotionally connected and I felt, he likes me not because of my physical attraction, but for who I am. That’s what he said.”

"Then, that’s your answer. Now that you both know that you like each other—"

“I didn’t tell him that I like him.”

"You kissed him back, right?" Charlotte asked and I narrowed my eyes.

I nodded, “Yes.”

"Well it means, he got the signal that you also like him because you told me that you are the one who initiate the kiss."

I smiled at her, “He is the first man that I truly love and feel connected.”

"I know." I have doubts in my mind and I am afraid, "Is there something troubling you?"

“What if... what if he asks me or initiate about that?”

"Athena J, if that is something holding you back from loving him, you will be stay there forever."

I rolled on my bed and lying down on my stomach. I take a deep breath, “I'm afraid, Char. What if, if he became obsessive and, and—”

"Not all the guys are like Matthew and that is why just take it slow and get to know him. After that, you can tell him."

I trusted Noah. I am just not confident telling him about myself, yet. “I am not ready. What if he didn’t accept me?” I said in a gloomy voice. 

"Then he didn’t love you and stop questioning yourself. Be yourself."

Being myself sometimes is hard especially when I'm afraid to lose someone that I love. I know the pain of losing someone and I don’t want to feel that again.

"I know you my friend. You are not the person who is pretending to be someone just to get the validation from others. You are the person who knows what she likes and dislikes. That’s who you are."

I heavily sighed, “Okay.” I smiled to Charlotte, “I wish you were really here, Char. I really miss you. When are you going here?”

She smiled, "I miss you too Athena. Your family worries about you especially your enemy. I will be there soon." She said and smirk.

“No. I don’t like that smirk. Don’t surprised me. Please! And tell him, I will smack his face if I see him here.” 

She fly a kiss to me and I ended the call but before I turn off my phone, Noah’s name appeared in the notification.

Noah: Are you awake? 

Me: Yes.

After I replied, he called me and it startled me. My heart beats faster than it was before. Okay, that is weird. I cleared my throat and then answered him.

“Hey,”

"Hey," his voice is husky and manly, "Can’t sleep. Thinking about you."

I bite my lower lip and rolled on my side, “What’re you doing?”

"Thinking about you." Okay. He didn’t stutter or double take. He is very sure about his words. I get a little butterflies in my stomach.

“Um, sorry for running into your mind.”

"I don’t mind as long as it is you."

I smiled. This is new for me. I smile from my heart and no pretending. When I am with Matthew, I am neutral about everything but I don’t pretend about myself. I told him and he was so kind telling me that he can wait, but, that night, he force himself to me and tried to...

...I tried to smile and erase that thought. I am not going back to that prison. 

“I want to thank you for making me feel calm.”

"I'm going to be honest with you about my feelings for you. I don’t want you to confuse about what I did earlier because Athena, I like you. I really like you. And I assume that you have feelings for... me too?" He said hesitating or sounds like he is praying that we have mutual feelings.

“Yes. I like you too.” I can feel that he is smiling, “I really mean it.”

"You can tell me anything that bothers you. I can be your shield."

“I trust you...” I said and sighed, “I have something to tell you. Um, maybe, tomorrow after class.” 

"Yeah, okay. I’ll wait for you."

“Okay, cool. See you tomorrow.”

"Goodnight."

We ended the call and I decided that I should tell him. He deserves to know about myself. I take a deep breath and hope that all my worries will subside. Fear is my friend. It may keep me from the shadows but it also made me push myself out of the prison.