“Why is it that whenever I wake up here, I’m injured?”

What was meant to play off as a joke made Lucifer wince. He cleared the breakfast tray, distracting himself by organizing with the books on the bedside table. I sighed, batting his hands away and making him look at me. Dark spots smudged beneath his eyes, his hair disheveled and his robes wrinkled; I’m sure I looked worse.

“Let’s go to the library.”

“You need more rest.”            

“I’d feel better if I moved around.”

“Cassius,” he begged, and I dropped the topic. His face disappeared behind his hands, elbows on his knees.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, struggling to sit up. His shoulders were slumped defiantly, so unlike his previous image of pride and strength. Right now, he looked like he would shatter at just a touch.

“It’s all my fault, Cassius,” he said weakly.

“What is?”

“Your situation.”

“But you’ve been nothing but helpful to me,” I argued. “Didn’t you say yourself to not apologize for things you can’t control?”

“It’s not just you!” he burst out, standing up and pacing, his feet taking him to the window. “No one would be hurt if it weren’t for me.”

“I’m not understanding.”

Lucifer braced his arms on the windowsill to keep from collapsing. “Cassius, I caused the Falling. I created the Sins. I am to be blamed. Everything you have been taught in the Holy Lands is a lie.”

I didn’t know how to respond. I knew of Lucifer, I knew of his story, how he was banished from the Holy Lands, but what reason did they have to lie?

It must have shown on my face. “I wasn’t banished,” he said, voice trembling. “I left on my own. I abandoned my duty as an Archangel to pursue a greater fate. I let my pride control my mind, my heart. The Holy Lands covered it up, created their own story so others wouldn’t follow me. They feared my power, Cassius, and for a good reason. I was evil, dangerous, bloodthirsty. I couldn’t handle it anymore.”

“But—”

“I split my soul to get rid of them. All the Sins are drawn from myself by blood and bone. Yet again, I had done something selfish to make myself better. And then, I left them, too. I abandoned my creations.” It was like something inside of him broke. “I realized they weren’t what I yearend for. I ran away. I had spent so much time in the Taken Lands I didn’t know the effects of my decisions had, and when I came across the first Fallen, I realized then what the extent of my choices led me to. Nobody Fell before I left, and now, they do. It was then when I decided I will not be forgiven by anyone. I won’t let myself be forgiven, not even by myself.”

I felt my face harden. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because someone deserves to know”

“I see.” I turned away from him, stomach churning. “I would like to be alone.” Before I say something I may regret. I need to calm down.

Lucifer cleared his throat, gathering his being and slipping on a mask to his expression expertly. “Of course. If you need anything, just call. I will be there.”

Because I promised. His vow hung in the air, unspoken, but its presence was heavy. It remained even after he left, lingering in the background like a whisper, a reminder. It leaked through the cracks of betrayal fracturing my heart yet again.

Why was I so hurt? Truly, we don’t know one another. We had each other’s company for less than a mere three days; the time had slipped between my fingers like sand. Despite this my soul yearned for him, and broke when he let his true emotions free.

How long has he been tormenting himself? How many nights have passed where dark memories plagued his dreams?

Eons, I imagined him saying back, tucking a curl behind my ear. Before the stars formed constellations.

I imagined his touch on my skin, imagined him tracing his own constellations between the freckles on my face, my shoulders, my chest. Imagined him broken down like he was just moments before, alone, curled up on the cold floor of his empty manor. He was the cause of this—he said so himself—I could not shake off something like that so simply, so suddenly. It felt like a lie, how quickly he delivered his confession. But this was not a lie; he had no reason to. Why take the blame if one does not feel guilty about it?

Conflicts hounded me, two sides of different stories thrashing my already exhausted mind. My head ached and my eyes longed for sleep even though it was midday. I let it take me under, dreaming of star dusted freckles and tangles of golden hair.

*****

Lucifer

Despair spiraled within me. It thieved control of my body, threating to send me off an edge I know I cannot climb up again. The voices just laughed at my weakness, and I let them. Even I thought such a situation darkly amusing. It entertained me to see how lost I’ve gotten; how little I know this fracture of a soul inside me.

Shackles of remorse tethered me to my manor. I wandered like a ghost, lifeless and floating, through the empty halls, my hands aching for the touch of warmth. My mind was the opposite, fighting for lonely solitude, and my heart torn between.

What a miserable being.

I could not even pity myself, to pity these ridiculous emotions of hope that one day I will wake up to find that I’ve disappeared. How simple it would be if everything melted away. I would not have to deal with this life that held no meaning.

You are taking the easy way out. 

I want the easy way out.

Then you are pathetic.            

Do you think I do not know this?

Do not try to be the better man.

I am not a man but a monster.

“Lucifer?”

My name has never been spoke so carefully before. “Cassius,” I greeted. “What can I do for you?”

“Help me in the library,” he said quickly, as if he had practiced answering me. He kept his eyes to the floor, even as we walked the halls to the archives. The doors were still cracked open from the last time we were here.

“How did you find me?” he asked, touching the door lightly, hesitant to go in. I did not blame him.

“You were screaming.”

“Screaming about what?”

I cleared my throat. “My name. You repeated my name, over and over until you couldn’t.”

He shook his head, pushing the doors open wide. “I don’t remember.”

“That is quite normal. Your mind is most likely blocking out the pain you went through as a protective means.”

Cassius cursed under his breath. “I need to know what happened.”

“Why?”

“So I have more information.” He sifted through a pile of scrolls tossed haphazardly on a desk. “I need to know more about this.”            

I figured out what he needed he here for. “Tell me what you need to know.”

He finally met my gaze, his eyes steeled with determination. “Everything, even if you deem it as insignificant. Tell me everything, Lucifer.”

And I did.