Content warning: Some profanity

They spent the rest of the day hanging around the cave.  Ulanbek examined the dragon bones and heart stones on the ground while Murat sorted the plants he picked into different piles.  Evening came and they chewed on the dried meat.

“I wish I could go back out there and find the other survivors from my unit,” Ulanbek said.  “Every moment we spend holed up here is taking away from time I could spend looking for them.”

Murat turned to him.  “Maybe they’re hiding in the caves too.”

“I hope so.”  Ulanbek took another bite of his food.

“We’re both recovering from serious injuries anyway.  The Silver Sorcerer’s gone, so he can’t help us anymore if we get hurt.”  Murat looked downward and sighed.

Ulanbek gazed at him solemnly.  “I do feel partially responsible for getting us both injured since it was my idea to leave to find the other survivors.  I’m sorry about that.  I still want to find them, but I can’t risk putting you in danger again, so I guess we do have to stay put for now.”

“Don’t be sorry.  It was my decision to come with you.  It might have been better that I did since the Silver Sorcerer also came with us and helped us defeat the wolves.  If it was just you out there, you might not have made it.”

“True.  Are you all right though?”

“I’m okay.  I don’t feel as sore now after applying the poultice.”

“That’s good to hear.  But what about emotionally?  You were very shaken when the Silver Sorcerer disintegrated.”

Murat drew his knees to his chest and sighed.  “I don’t really understand why it upset me so much.  Maybe it was because we were merged for a short while, so losing him felt like losing a part of myself.  I haven’t known him for very long, and his strange comments frustrate me sometimes.  He has saved my life multiple times but has also put me in danger just as much.  When the wolf broke my bones, I could feel my own pain of course, but I could also feel his.  There was a lot of sadness and anger.  Sadness that he failed to protect me, anger at the wolf, anger at himself.”

Ulanbek raised an eyebrow.  “So while you were practically dying, you were still concerned about his thoughts?”

Murat laughed bitterly.  “It was hard to ignore his thoughts while we were merged.  It was like hearing another voice in my head.  I don’t really understand what motivates him though.  I mean, I know he’s trying to build me up by having me do some of the fighting, to prove that I can accomplish things on my own, but I don’t understand why it’s so important to him.  He hardly knows me.”  

That’s not actually true, Ulanbek thought, remembering the conversation that he and the Silver Sorcerer had when Murat was asleep.

“He also said that staying merged for too long might turn me into something other than human,” Murat continued.

“Do you feel any different after the merge?”

“I’m not sure.  Nothing obvious.  But it was interesting to be someone else, even if it was brief.  It was a glimpse of what I could have been like if I wasn’t so weak and cowardly.  It was scary, but also kind of exhilarating.  I’m almost a little sad that I won’t be able to experience it again, and I’ll just go back to my normal self, unable to do much of anything and always relying on others.”

“Well, I’ll protect you regardless, as much as I can at least.  I’m not sure what we’d do if we encountered another creature like that wolf.  If you want, I could also train you in fighting skills so you won’t feel so defenseless.”

“Thank you.  I would like that.  But what about after we find the other survivors from your unit?  How are they going to treat me?”

“I don’t know.  They’re decent people, but if any of them tries to bother you in any way, I’ll give them hell.”

Murat laughed.  “What if you end up having to defend me constantly?  Won’t it be disruptive to your unit?  Then I’d have to leave anyway.”

“If that happens, then I’ll leave with you.”

Murat’s eyes widened.  “What?  Are you serious?  Are you even allowed to do that?  I thought loyalty to your unit was the most important thing.”

Ulanbek sighed.  “For the longest time it was.  But I’ve been getting weary of everything and I’m not sure I want to stay another decade.  I felt this even before I met you and the pretend Luka.  I still feel loyal to individual members of my unit and will give my life for them.  But I’m not sure if I feel loyal to the cause anymore, especially after what you said.”

“What I said?”

“About the land.  How we’re taking it away from people like you and your community, and rewarding ourselves with it.”

Murat turned away.

Ulanbek frowned and his expression softened.  “I’m sorry I brought it up again.  I know it hurts you to think about it.”

“It’s okay.  We can’t avoid the topic forever.  I’ll just find a way to cope with it better.”

They continued eating and fell back into silence.

***

It was late at night now and the air was chilly.  Murat curled up on the cave floor and shivered.

“You all right there?” Ulanbek asked while lying on the floor nearby.

“I wish I hadn’t lost my satchel,” Murat replied.  “The blankets were in there.  They were so warm too.”

Ulanbek clutched at his clothing.  “If you want, I could give you my robe.  It’s not as warm as a blanket but you could cover yourself with it.  It does have dried blood on it though.”

“Heh, my clothing is the same.  Full of dried blood.  We should go find another river tomorrow morning and wash everything off.  But if you give your robe to me, won’t you be cold?”

“I can deal with it.”

Murat hesitated before speaking again.  “Or maybe…”

“Maybe what?”

Murat’s face burned and his voice softened to a whisper.  “Maybe we could just move closer together…and your robe can cover us both?”

Ulanbek raised his eyebrows.  “Sure…if you want to.”

Murat curled up even more and turned away.  “Forget it…it was a silly idea.”

“Oh…okay.  I mean, I’m fine with it.  I was just surprised you suggested it.”

“Well, I just don’t want you to give your robe up for my sake, but I’m still cold, so it’s a suggestion that benefits us both…”  He trailed off as he felt a sheet of fabric descend onto him...  “Oh…” He turned his head and saw that Ulanbek had already walked over and put his red outer robe over him.  He only had on his thin inner robe.  “You didn’t have to give it to me.”

“Do you want me to stay here?” Ulanbek asked softly as he crouched down.  

Murat looked up at him.  “Yes.”

Ulanbek lifted the corner of the robe and settled down next to Murat.  Murat’s breath hitched as he felt the warmth of his body heat.

“Is this okay?” Ulanbek asked.

“Yes,” Murat murmured as he turned towards him.  “It doesn’t feel so cold anymore.”

They lay side by side in silence for a while.  The only sound that could be heard was the crickets chirping outside.

“You know,” Murat said.  “You remind me of my kunak.”

“Oh?  What was his name again?”

“Beslan.  But you don’t just remind me of him because your names sound similar.  It’s…I don’t know how to say this…um…when I hung out with him, my worries would melt away and I felt…safe…”

Ulanbek blinked a few times.  “Oh…well, I did say I’d protect you.”

“And isn’t it strange that you remind me of him since we barely know each other?  Maybe our near-death experiences had a profound effect.”

“Maybe…” Ulanbek gazed at him.  “You also remind me of someone too.”

“Ah yes, you told me before.  Yourself when you were younger.”

Ulanbek shook his head.  “Not only that.  You remind me of Luka.”

Murat’s eyes widened.  “Your best friend?”  He smiled.  “That’s really interesting.  We both remind each other of our best friends.”  His eyes looked downward.  “Perhaps it’s a way for us to deal with loss…”

“Loss?” Ulanbek looked concerned.

“My kunak died.  Your best friend is long lost.  Maybe we both miss them so much that we start to see their qualities in other people.”

“Perhaps.  I’m sorry though.  I reminded you of sad memories again.”

“No, it’s all right.  I was the one who brought up my kunak.”

“How long have you known each other?”

“Beslan?  Oh, since childhood.  I was raised by a wet nurse since my mother died giving birth to me.  She had other children, and Beslan would come over and play sometimes.  He was nice to me.  When other kids made fun of me, he’d stand up for me and chase them away.  What about you?  What were your childhood friends like?”

“My childhood friends…” Ulanbek looked up at the cave ceiling, trying to conjure up his old memories.  “It’s been so long since I’ve thought about them.  Some of them were recruited with me, so we made the journey to Yizamir together.  But I didn’t see them after that since we all went to separate host families.  I’m sure a lot of them went into the military too, but none of them were in my unit.  The people in my unit were all from different places.  That was probably done on purpose so we would be loyal to the unit as a whole, and not to form factions based on where we came from.”

“Is there anyone in your unit that you’re close friends with?”

“Um…I’m not really close friends with them, even though I’ve lived with them for years.  I’ll lay my life on the line for them and I want to find them if they’re still alive.  But in terms of closeness, there’s only been one person…”

“Luka?”

Ulanbek turned back towards him.  “Yeah…”

“Were you two…?”  Murat turned away suddenly.  “Sorry, it’s none of my business.  I shouldn’t ask.”

“What did you want to ask?”

Murat turned back to face him.  “Were you two more than just friends?”

Ulanbek’s face flushed.  Then he smiled.  “You know, pretend Luka asked the same thing.  Well, he didn’t ask.  He just declared it.”

“Oh?  When was this?”

“Last night.  You were already asleep.”

“Did you and him talk about many things?”

“Yeah, we talked a bit.  He…he cares about you a lot, even though his way of showing it is odd.”

Murat blushed.  “I got that impression, especially when we were merged.  Still don’t understand it though.”

Ulanbek decided to say nothing.  Although the Silver Sorcerer was now gone, he still wanted to respect his privacy and not divulge the details of their conversation.

“Ulanbek?”

“Hm?”

“If you were to find Luka again, would you stop protecting me?”

Ulanbek was taken aback.  “No!  Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know…sorry, it was just a random thought.  You seem to miss him a lot and you said that I remind you of him.  Even the Silver Sorcerer looks like him in your eyes.  Wouldn’t you want to be with Luka again?  You lived with him for two years.  You’ve only known me for two days.”

Ulanbek inhaled and exhaled slowly.  “I do miss him and I’d do anything to see him again.  But I wouldn’t abandon you.”

Murat blinked away his tears.  “Thank you.  So much has happened in these last several days.  We almost died and the Silver Sorcerer’s gone.  I’m just…really scared right now…”  He moved a little closer to Ulanbek.

“Hey…” Ulanbek put his arms around Murat and pulled him closer.  “Don’t worry.  I’ll take care of you, okay?  I promise.”