I can’t sleep. I can only look at the ceiling and think about how bare it is. When I close my eyes I feel the heat and then the cold. The struggle to breathe, and the gasping for air. 

During these moments I can only think of Charles and the head maid’s husband, Papa. I think of the tremors my little hands had when learning the news of their deaths.

~~~~

I rode in the limo with Margo and Charles. The adults decided to ride in their own limo and allowed us children to be in our own. Margo stuffed gummy worms in her mouth and chewed loudly. Her mouth revealed the mush of gummies with each chew.

“Please chew with your mouth closed, Mar,” Charles groaned. She looked at him and only chewed more exaggeratedly. Her mouth opened and closed. She swallowed and laughed. Charles rolled his eyes. 

“So, how was Princess Amy,” Margo teased. She was excited for Charles and wanted to learn more about the showing. He just finished his. But, wasn’t picked.

He rolled his eyes, “I didn’t like her. She has a squeaky voice and… She chewed with her mouth opened.” He poked Margo who only frowned. "I thought she is pretty." Charles shrugged.

She looked over at me.

“Suki, do you think Princess Amy didn’t choose Charles because he’s…” she stopped looking over at him and then turned back at me, “He’s smelly?”

I stifled a laugh while Charles just groaned loudly, “Yeah! Very smelly! Like rotten eggs!”

The limo came to a stop. “Oh thank god, we’re here! I couldn’t stand the smell anymore,” Margo joked. Charles rolled his eyes, grabbing Margo and then sticking her face into his armpit. She started to scream. He looked over at me with a smirk, I went to leave, but he grabbed me and stuffed my face into his other armpit.

Thank god he wore deodorant. 

~~~~~

Snow crunched beneath our feet as we stepped out of the limo. The air was brittle and cold, like a thousand needles stabbed into my cheeks.

We were the first to arrive, with the adults most likely stopping at a corner store that the Queen often frequented. The corner store made fresh bread which was soft and crunchy. Every time we came to the cabin, we would eat sandwiches made from the bread.

Charles walked ahead of us, the snow crunching beneath his feet. His black boots are a stark contrast to the white snow. He had black hair and wore a red wool sweater. He was handsome and he knew it. He had pearly white teeth that were naturally straight. It felt like he never had acene too. 

He bent down towards the ground, gathering snow into his hand. He clasped it until it formed into a ball. He turned back towards us with a smile on as he threw the snowball at Margo. She screamed when the ball slammed into her. He was already back on the ground making another She bent down, now making a snowball of her own. He threw another at her with a laugh.

“Come on Mar! You gotta be faster than that!”

“I’m trying! I’m trying,” she responded between fits of laughter. 

She stood up and threw a snowball at him, only to miss. She groaned and shook her hands, which now glowed a slight red from the cold. I bent down to make my own, wanting to join in on the fun.

“Suki,” Charles began, “Can you go make us some hot chocolate?”

I froze and dropped the snow. My lips tightened together, and I struggled not to bite my tongue. Words flooded my mind, so many at once. I wanted to say something, anything. I wanted to join in, but the look Charles gave me made me crumble.

"Yeah, sure." He gave me another look and crossed his arms, "Yes, Prince Charles." His smile grew and he turned back at Margo.

I nodded and went into the house to perform my duty. I watched from the kitchen window as Charles tried to show Margo how to aim a snowball. She and he then started to work on building a snowman. I clasped my hands tightly together and allowed my nails to dig into my skin.

Charles was always kind to Margo. It was clear to me that he loved her in the most familial way possible. They were close and were rarely seen apart.

I went outside with three mugs of hot chocolate, and the trio of us walked the perimeter of the cabin, taking in the white scenery. Until we made it to the frozen blue lake. It was iced over and Charles took a step towards it. He tested the frozen waters with his foot.

He turns to us before fully walking onto the shore of the lake. “I think it's frozen over completely!” Margo tilted her head. He smiled, “We might be able to go ice skating!”

Margo perked up and took a step closer, “Really!” He nodded, holding out a hand for her to take. She took a step onto the ice, and I took a step ready to join them.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING,” the head maid shouted and ran towards us, “Are you stupid?” She pulled me close to her.

Charles rolled his eyes, “Mrs. Nora, you are the only one who would call me stupid.” He stepped onto land.

She crossed her arms, “You cannot take them on the lake.” 

He sighed, “I just wanted to see if we could go ice skating.”

“No,” Nora said sharply, “You know better Charles, it's too dangerous.”

She looked over at me and held me closer to her. Charles rolled his eyes, “I can swim,” he said. Her eyes darted at him.

“But she can’t. And regardless, even if you can swim it is still dangerous!”

~~~~~

The memory stays with me. The fun-filled morning and the sandwiches Papa made. He made my favorite, tuna salad. He was always careful with the ingredients making sure to add the right amount of black pepper and adding the secret ingredient of banana peppers. 

He always would make my sandwich first. He would watch me eat. “You should eat more” he always said as he made another sandwich for me to eat. He always had a smile glued to his face when he was making sandwiches for me. 

He looked at me, “Suki, what do you want for your birthday?” I looked up mid-bite from my sandwich.

“What?” I said with a mouth full of tuna. He laughed,

“It’s impolite to talk with food in your mouth,” he reminded me. “I want to know what you want for your birthday.”

I shrugged. I never thought about it before. He continued, “Everyone always focuses on Miss Margo, but I want to focus on you for at least one day this week. We can do anything!” I think back to what Margo said in the morning. I knew she wanted to go ice skating, but I didn’t. I knew I could make her wishes come true by saying what she wanted was what I wanted.

“The zoo,” I said.

He smiled, “Great, then we will go tomorrow just the three of us.”

He hugged me, “Happy birthday sweetheart.” He squeezed tightened. I returned it and took in the whiff of his scent. He often made fires in the fireplace and smelled like the smoke from it.