The next morning, I get woken up by my phone chiming several times. “Good morning, beautiful,” Ayden’s first message says. Before I can overthink why he calls me beautiful, I read his next message, “I hope you and Nadja are doing alright and Nadja’s not too sore from yesterday. Any plans for today?” His third message came right after that, “If you’re up for it, you could join us at the beach again. The water’s supposed to be great today and we’re kitesurfing. Nadja said she always wanted to try that.” While I read his messages, a fourth one comes in, “I could pick you up at your hotel in an hour?”

“What are you smiling at?” I heard Nadja ask but I know that I don’t need to answer her because she’s already on her way to my bed. Falling down next to me, she grabs my phone to read the messages. “I’ll text him that we’re coming,” she states. As if she could sense that I want to disagree, she playfully glares at me, “Don’t say you don’t want to see Mr Sunglasses again, even if it means you’ll have to try something new!” Of course, she’s right. I want to see him again but kitesurfing seems a bit too much for me. Maybe I could just watch them and keep an eye on their stuff so nobody steals something? Why do I always sound like such a boring person compared to Nadja who’s up for anything exciting? Ayden probably won’t even care that much if I don’t go with them and stay at the hotel instead. I don’t want to ruin Nadja’s holiday, so she can go.

Noticing that I didn’t say anything, my best friend shakes my shoulder softly to get me out of my thoughts and back to reality. “You’re coming, you definitely need some fresh air,” she says matter-of-factly. I know she only wants to help me but the fact that she doesn’t understand that fresh air won’t keep my mind from overthinking is a bit tiring sometimes. She knows it’s getting worse ever since high school but sometimes it feels like she’ll never understand what I struggle with because she’s never felt trapped in an overthinking mind. 

***

Exactly one hour later, we're walking through the entrance of the hotel, Ayden's already waiting for us. There's this weird feeling in my stomach again but I guess that comes from the first sparks of fear of what we'll do later. We greet the blue-eyed guy and Nadja starts talking about the right equipment. Ayden looks at me with a questioning look so I quickly look away. Not being able to contribute anything to this discussion is an awkward situation, especially with his eyes on me. He informs us that the others are already waiting but I barely listen, my mind doesn't want to think about today's activity. Why did I agree to come here?

While we walk along the beach in silence, Nadja wraps an arm around my shoulders to comfort me. She's my best friend, so she knows what's going on in my head right now, but I don't understand why she pushes me to come with her. Does she think trying new, dangerous things will distract me from being unemployed? Is the feeling of risking my life supposed to make me forget about my cheating ex?

Ahead of us, I can already see the group of people who are waiting for us. Luckily, Nadja doesn’t start running as soon as she sees them but she keeps me from walking slower the closer we get to them. “This is going to be so much fun!” she exclaims, gaining a chuckle from Ayden. I try to focus on keeping my expression friendly but I can feel my mind gradually going into overdrive.

Kitesurfing doesn’t look that dangerous from afar but so many things could go wrong. What if I fall off the board and drown? What if the wind pushes me too far away and I lose control? What if I forget how to swim and one of the lifeguards has to help me? The lifejacket that one of the guys hands me doesn’t help me calm down at all but I try to thank him without letting anyone hear my voice trembling. A lifejacket is supposed to help keep you alive, right? Why do I feel like it’s too tight? I can’t even breathe with this! What if it’s not working when I need it? What would the others think of me if they knew how scared I am right now? What would Ayden-

“You know, I’m still a bit sore from playing all day yesterday. Is there a way to convince you to build sandcastles with me?” Ayden asks in a calm and comforting voice. I look around, seeing that nobody is even paying attention to us anymore. Nadja glances at me but at the same moment, we both notice that Ayden has placed a hand on my arm, probably to get my attention before even making that suggestion.

I look up towards him and, in a slightly too relieved tone, I accept his offer. At first, I’m not sure if he really wants to build sandcastles but everything is better than standing here and waiting for my turn to go kitesurfing. He helps me out of the lifejacket, probably noticing that my hands are shaking a bit. However, he doesn’t comment on it. While I try to discreetly fix the short sleeves of my shirt to cover my upper arms, I take a few deep breaths. To be honest, I don’t believe that he’s skipping kitesurfing just because his muscles are sore. I don’t have a better explanation but he doesn’t look like the type of guy who gets sore muscles that quickly.