My hands shook as I grabbed the gun from underneath my pillow. 

“Barrett,” I screamed as my hand touched the door knob. “Devon! Barrett! What’s going on? Fucking answer me!” 

My chest was heaving and I couldn’t breathe. My heart was pounding in my chest so hard it was rattling my teeth as I pushed my way into the living room. I expected to see men standing there, for them to be in my house again, picking people off one by one, but there was nothing. 

It was still dark outside and I strained my eyes to see if anyone was sneaking around out there. 

“Barrett,” I screamed again as I ran for his room. 

He’s already dead. They killed him. They killed him and then went for Dev. They killed your friends and left you to deal with the pain. They kept you alive, knowing that living without them would hurt so much worse than death.

“Barrett,” I sobbed as another shot went off. I flinched at the sound as I collided with his door, barely able to open it with how much my hands shook. 

Barrett lay there in the dark and from the angle he was in, I couldn’t see the rise and fall of his chest. My hands shakily checked his neck for a pulse but I barely had time to brush his neck before he jolted awake at the sound of Dev’s voice. 

“James,” he had screamed, his voice just as panicked as mine had been. “James where are you?”

“Devon,” I yelled to him, still looking at Barrett. He was staring at me, his eyes wide and scared like mine as he tried to figure out what was going on. 

“What’s happening,” he asked, his hands grasping at mine as he fought to sit up. 

His question was answered by another shot ringing through the air. We all flinched at the sound as we huddled around each other. 

“We stick together this time dammit,” I seethed at them and they nodded as I pulled out my phone to look at the cameras surrounding the house. 

For several frames there was nothing. Just the peaceful, quiet woods we had come to love so much but when we saw the reason for the noise we all stopped. 

Tears streamed down my face as I watched two grown adults playing with fireworks at three in the morning for no apparent reason. The ice in my veins turned boiling in seconds as I threw my phone on the bed and began walking towards the door.

“Jem,” Barrett warned but he followed behind me anyway. 

“James they didn’t mean any harm,” Dev reasoned as I opened the back door, a glare on my face as I walked in the direction the cameras had shown. 

“Meant to or not, they did,” I seethed as I looked at the men. They were laughing and clearly drunk. They were young, only about 19, and new to the gang. If my memory served me right they were both in the warehouse. Ramsey would have a mess on his hands tomorrow if I had any say in the matter. 

When they saw the three of us approach they smiled and that smile didn’t have a chance to dim as I rammed my fist into the face of the boy who was holding the lighter. 

“What the hell boss,” the other one asked, sobering up a bit more now as his friend held his nose in pain. My only answer was a matching punch for him. He groaned in pain and for a second I didn’t want to stop.

The weight on my chest had lessened with each hit and they put that weight there. It was only fair they helped get rid of it. My fist raised again but Dev caught my hand. 

“What the hell do you two think you’re doing,
Dev seethed at them. “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

“We were just having some fun,” one of them shrugged. His name was Theo if I remember correctly. “We didn’t we would bother anyone this far out.”

“Still think that,” I spat at them. “What did Ramsey tell you about playing with that shit this close to the house?” Theo shrank back at the heat in my voice but I was too far gone to care. 

“We thought he just meant no gunfire at the house. We didn’t think fireworks would do any harm.” Blood was still gushing from his nose as he spoke and after seeing Barrett’s blood for the 50th time in my dreams it made me nausous. 

I turned away and began walking back to the house. 

“If you two do something this stupid again, you’re getting jumped out and fired. I will be the only one jumping you out and I will not take it easy on you. Consider yourselves warned. Clean this shit up and stay the fuck out of my sight.” They didn’t respond and I didn’t want them to. 

Dev and Barrett followed me back into our wing. My hands shook as I placed my gun on the coffee table and forced myself to sit down. I felt sick and my heart was still having trouble returning to it’s normal pace. 

My vision went black for a few seconds as I forced myself to breathe. Just breathe. It was just a couple of kids just breathe. 

I saw Barrett, standing in front of Liam, looking like he had already accepted his death. I saw his blood pooling on the floor. I saw his body turn pale and lifeless. I saw him die. 

“Jem,” a voice said though I couldn’t see who through the tears in my eyes. “Jem breathe. It’s me and I’m here. I’m right here and I’m alive and breathing and if you don’t calm down I’m taking you to the hospital wing.” His voice sounded broken with his own tears as his hand rested on my knee to keep it from bouncing. 

I blinked and saw Barrett. He was alive and breathing just like he said with tears rolling down his face. There was no blood, he was not pale, and his was here, sitting in front of me with a forced smile. 

I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and pulled him into my lap, my head going into his chest as I listened to his heart just beat. Just proving to me that he was alive and healthy. 

At first, I could barely hear it over the sound of my own heart pounding in my chest but as his hands buried in my hair and he whispered sweet words along with Dev, I could hear the strongness of his heart. 

I sobbed at the sound and they simply held me there, allowing me to listen and feel the heat from their bodies. 

“I died again,” Barrett said after several hours of me crying and fighting off the panic that dug into my body. “Didn’t I?”

“Yes,” I said, my voice cracking. “At the hospital,” because he died everywhere so many times that I needed to clarify. 

“I’m here Jem,” he promised as he hugged my head closer to his beating chest. “I’m here and no one is going to take me away from you. You can breathe. Dev and I are here. We can hold it together. You can let go. We’re here for you.” 

I cried again though it was less panicked. I was simply crying for pain I had gone through, crying at the idea of losing either of them again. Crying because it simply felt good to cry. 

Drake spat in my head that men, and leaders for that matter, didn’t cry and that I needed to dry it up and carry on with life. But if crying meant you weren’t a man, then all three of us weren’t men. 

We sat there on my couch, crying, whispering, and just holding on to each other for hours until the weight of the breakdown hit us all too hard and we slept on the couch just to be closer to each other. 

I had nightmares. Some were about Liam. Others were about Dev. Most were about Barrett. All of them were awful. All of them were more painful than the actual experience that caused them. 

I had nightmares and I had them for a while. 

I had nightmares and there were several nights I stared up at my ceiling, fighting sleep, scared to relive the worst moments in my life over and over again. 

I had nightmares and on nights like these, it felt like they would never go away. Like I would always have them floating around in the back of my mind.

I had nightmares and I would give up almost anything to make them fucking stop. 

For all of those who wanted an update, how does that angst taste now lmao. Seriously though, thank you for requesting. I have so many unfinished stories and I don't know which ones to update if you guys don't tell me. If I'm getting a lot of comments on one book, that's the one I tend to focus on until the comments shift to another one. I am a comment whore. Wherever the comments are, that's where I'll go so if you want an update, you have to tell me or if you feel guilty for straight up asking, just re read and comment on things you liked about the chapter. I read literally every comment. I will see it and think 'oh this person really likes this book and I haven't updated it in a while. I bet it would make their day a little better to get a random update out of nowhere' and then I do it. 

Moral of the story, let me know what you want me to update!