WARNING THIS CHAPTER DISCUSSES SENSITIVE SUBJECTS

I have always felt that I was different, that I was different from others. At least, that is rather what people have made me feel since always. I have been around for 17 years and the more the years go by, the more they make me fit into norms. It started when I was little, I was not allowed dolls, yet that was what I wanted to play with. I had difficulty learning to walk when I was little, and my father saw it as a feminine gait, which led to daily insults. My high-pitched voice obviously did not help and if it was only with my father, the problems also continued at school and with those around me.

Despite all the insults and degrading remarks, I always knew how to hide who I was and avoid any big problems. Unfortunately, since the beginning of this year it has been much more complicated. I started to have feelings for Sacha but it's not new, you already know that!

I would have liked to keep this little secret to myself, but by dint of trusting, we get betrayed and that's what happened to me. I felt more and more the need to confide in myself about what wasn't normal. I started to confide in Aria and then in other people until I confided in this person.

I was very supported by the people I confided in and my cousin Lara was quite insistent about my romantic relationships. However, I had never told her about it. So I made the mistake of confiding in her. When I got home, it was tense as usual with my parents. But that evening everything was different.

I was lying quietly in my bed, when I received a message from my mother asking me to join her in the living room.

Her eyes were red, and she asked me if I had something to tell her. Given the problems I had with the prefect at school, I immediately thought of that but no. I denied it completely, not knowing what she wanted to talk to me about. And she asked me if I hadn't spoken to Lara today.

Knowing that my parents are very homophobic, my world collapsed. I only thought about one thing, how I was going to survive this. I didn't know how, but I knew they were going to hurt me. I couldn't sleep at night and my anxiety attacks were there. I continued to vomit, daily until I vomited blood, and lost 20 kg.

With my mother, we decided not to tell my father. It was our little secret, but a very dangerous secret. I felt disgust towards myself. Every time she asked me out, I was afraid for my life because I didn't know where they would find me.

Even though my father didn't know, the tensions were still there. I suffered abuse for a long time. I would go to school having to cover my bruises and bumps on my head. He would unload all his hatred on me, for no good reason. I feel like I'm the victim in the story, but listening to them, I'm the problem.

One day, he raised his hand, once again on me, and I decided that it was the last. Discreetly, I gathered very few things and I escaped. It was snowing that day, and I was very cold and had nowhere to go. I stayed with a family member, but it was short-lived. I decided to visit my grandmother to talk to her about it because I am very close to her and she convinced me to go back to my parents with her.

Having gathered my courage, I found myself face to face with my parents and my grandmother to support me. They seemed happy to see me again, my mother had tears in her eyes. I was rather reassured by the reaction, but I did not expect what happened next. Once my grandmother returned home, my father grabbed me by the throat and threw me to the ground once more. He threatened me that if I told a single person, I would regret it much more than I already regret it now.

After that, I no longer saw a future in myself, or even a desire to live. My anxiety attacks and the family and school situation were unbearable. I started to choke when I felt bad. I felt like this situation was never going to get better.