I sigh. “I would be willing to take you halfway to see certain someone’s, " I can't help but blush, "but if we’re going to do this we are going to need to be fully equipped.”

I look in San’s relative direction, “I might know someone who’d be more than willing to let you get a taste of human life and also put your safety first.” I take another sip and then place the cup down, “The rules up there are weird, but important and I can’t be seen by people unless I want to get dragged back to my dad’s house and then just like you if I get caught, I’ll end up dead.”

I lay down because the tea is making it impossible to stay awake. “This is something that needs to be carefully planned.” I kind of just close my eyes. He nudges me and I make a sign that I’m still awake. “Please don’t tell anyone.” He whispers. 

“Wouldn’t that make it worse?” I murmur. He doesn’t respond but covers me with the blanket and after I fall asleep stays to watch over me thinking, reeling, butterflies in his stomach at the thought of finally getting to go up-top.

I wake up with a start in a cold sweat, aware that I was having a nightmare but about what I don’t remember anymore. I pant, my throat is dry.

I raggedly call out, “Dad?”

Rolling over I moan in pain and reach for my bedside table for a glass of water. A cup is there that I don’t remember us having. I go to take a sip but the sharp smell of medicinal herbs bring everything back in a snap. I place the cup back down and shakily stand. I feel icky and want to go back to the sauna pools. I put my arm over my eyes and resist the urge to give in to my emotions.

‘It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay.’ 

I stumble and fall against a desk. Leaning against it I slide down it flinching as I remember a flash of the nightmare.

‘It’s not real,’ I wish I could open my eyes and it’d go away. I cover my eyes and shiver. I feel tears as I realize that now not only do I dream about the accident but about being pushed off the cliff as well. The usual stress induced somewhat related things like monsters attacking me out of the darkness and being dragged back to my house. I hyperventilate since I can still feel everything I dreamt so vividly.

I wait until I calm down. I want to find food, water, and the bathroom. I want the chief. I call out for him tentatively wishing he were here to comfort me but I’m used to being ignored by him by now.

I end up crawling back towards the bed settling on a sip from the cold tea. I bury myself under the heavy, warm blankets. I hug the chief’s pillow again and once again wish I wasn’t alone. My eyes are closed so tightly I worry I’m going to give myself a headache. I need to use the bathroom really badly. I’m too scared to leave the bed.

I listen to my heartbeat and then finally far away the sound of a troll talking, like a beacon of light in the middle of the black sea. The lighthouse of a voice turned out to be just someone in passing but it helped. I sit up with the firm resolve of finding the chief. I need him.

I briefly remember my conversation with Sans also wondering when exactly he left but that’s not important right now. He’s decided to run away and I just need to make sure he doesn’t run away too soon. I plan on getting him to ask the chief for permission. I know that if the chief finds out what we’re planning he’ll probably be more than pissed. 

I remember the strength of his anger before. His hand around my neck, being thrown around like I weighed nothing. The way if I displeased him in the slightest he’d leave me alone for hours or days. I know that the nightmares aren’t his fault but bitterness burns like bile in my throat and I blame him for never being here to comfort me.

I feel the burn in my chest return as though I’m underwater again. Only able to feel the bubbles of my depleting oxygen rub against my face as it rises. I was stupid to think that just a few compliments and being nicer meant anything; he's still a monster. A literal troll. He doesn’t care if I’m in pain or suffering. Not to mention he’s treated me like nothing but a pet. I strangely pine for the spy to return.

Still I needed to find him. I needed to tell him about San without making San or him mad and I had no clue how, maybe if the spy was there to smooth things over…I sigh.

I walk around the tent knocking into things as I stubbornly find the toilet. Feeling better I approach the entrance where San came through before. I walk through it and get the scent of the cave, moss, water and trolls all at once. I don’t even manage a step before someone stops me.

“Hold on where do you think you’re going.” The voice is unfamiliar. ‘A new guard?’ 

“I’m looking for the chief.” I say with surprising confidence. I lift my head. That's right I will carve out my space here. They said I was a troll now. 

“The chief is busy.” He sounds like he already turned away dismissively.

“Would you rather help me?” I put my best stubborn face on. “I need someone to show me where he is and make sure-”

He pushes me back by my face. I have to step back to shove his solid hand away and narrowing my eyes I go back into the tent, mind set. He has the audacity to chuckle. 

I feel the burn of anger in my chest over the burn of my ankle as I walk the full wall of the tent in a rough circle, having to go over the bed and around furniture, one smells like burned material from before so it’s a stove. I hover my hand over it but no heat emits so I feel until I find where a roughly hammered piece of metal goes out the back of the tent, I guess the fabric is pretty heat resistant. I tug on it but there’s no hole. I get on my hands and knees and pull up at the fabric at the base of the tent. It’s pretty tight here too but as I follow along until I reach an area directly across from the bed. A large space opens up. 

I crawl under it. 

Now here’s the scary part. I have no idea where I am now or if I’ve been seen. I sniff silently and follow the tent wall in a pridefully confident manner. This area is much nicer smelling, with soft rugs probably embroidered from what it feels like under my bare feet. I’m tempted to stop and lay on the rug, I used to love doing that as a kid. I stop when I feel something wooden, stepping around so I’m in front of it, I reach out and gasp, pulling my hand back. It’s…weapons? I had the impression that the Trolls didn’t have any. ‘Other than their fangs and horns.’ I back away and pull my arms close to my body for comfort. ‘I…don’t know what to do. I had a clear goal in mind but now I-’

The sound of trolls approaching makes me tense up. I turn towards the noise. They walk by laughing and joking pleasantly. I close my eyes and breathe, I really wish I just asked where things were before.

Gritting my teeth I go back to the tent wall and keep following it. Eventually the hand I have out in front of me touches stone. I start and wonder if I just touched a sleeping troll. After a long, long moment I try to move around the troll. A blanket brushes my calf. I keep going. Then when I’m sure I passed the troll I reach out for the tent wall again.

‘I can’t do this forever.’ I think to myself and again find the entrance. I hesitate, what if the guard sees me leaving this time, or what if there’s another guard. I press my lips together firmly. Then step out of the tent.

For a throat constricting moment nothing happens. Then I turn and follow the tent along the outside. Nobody says anything. I close my eyes, keeping my head down. I hurry until the tent starts to curve. I let out a disbelieving sigh and too soon. “Hey!” The jolt of adrenaline makes me dash along the outside of the tent, as long as there were no obstacles and my hand had something to guide me I could keep going.

But the logic of that eventually catches up with me as I stumble immediately and I slow to a stop turning to face the guard as he runs up to me. I put my hands up placatingly only to get snatched up by the front of my shirt. I was more focused on the unpleasant feeling of my feet leaving the ground so when I’m struck across the face it takes a second for it to register.

I feel like I’m feeling and hearing everything a little behind now, the splitting pain and uncomfortable noise of rock hitting my ear. The protest in my neck as my head was forced to the right far too roughly. My ear suddenly feeling hot, wet, and ringing so loud. A sharp pain is now coming from it and the left side of my face. I made a noise. Like a choked cry of pain and shock.

Then I’m just hanging limp but I can feel that we’ve been walking back to the tent. I’m on the ground but only just feel how roughly I’d been thrown back into the tent. I hurt my shoulder, my wounded ankle screamed as I’m rolling, slamming my back against the stove. The cold water knocked down over me. I shiver. I feel a little like I’m floating. I pant for a second in shock, still not fully processing what happened.

I close my eyes feeling tired but the horrible throb and loud pulsing of blood being forced to the damaged sight keep me awake. I let out a whimper. Everything speeds up and unfortunately becomes clearer as I’m now caught up to speed again. I gasp, panting, touching my ringing ear. I can’t hear out of it oh fuck I can’t hear out of it anymore. I snap my fingers next to the ear and panicking let out a little yell of dismay.

The guard yells something at me. Probably shut up.

He takes a few steps in which I freeze for a second and not wanting him to break the other ear. I crawl underneath the bed in an animalistic panic. I think he was just bluffing because he laughs and goes back outside. I whimper softly to myself holding my splitting, aching head. 

And that’s the state they found me in.

I jerk back as I hear my name being called from far away but even worse a hand is on my arm pulling me. I gasp and lash out but am easily pulled out from under the bed and pinned. Blood stains the side of my head and shoulder. It looks bad but most head wounds bleed that much. They didn’t know that. The feeling of running is unpleasant each footfall sending another shot of pain through my already splitting headache. I close my eyes again feeling tired and that makes the swift, lythe troll panic and run faster.  

Suddenly the sensation of a small waterfall is over me. It’s cold but the feeling of pain fades immediately.

“Ray, ray do you hear me?”

I struggle for a second to open my eyes, wincing more from an insanely bright flash then my vision focuses on the torch lit cave around me and finally the person in front of me.

They have bluish gray eyes that are almost unnatural, their expression is one of concern. Long hair that is also gray falls out of the high ponytail bun into their face. Their stone-like skin is smooth and skin colored. I can see what looks like soft lips and when they grit their teeth no fangs.

They’re incredible fucking attractive. Then just like that my vision goes dark again.

I slowly process what just happened and I close my eyes hard, opening them again. Straining to catch even a glimpse of rock, or moss, or anything.

'If that was just my imagination it was insanely cruel. Am I crazy?' I’m shaken a little and look up towards where I hear the panicked voice still calling my name. 

“I’m okay.” I croak viciously, aware of my voice sounding louder more to my right than left.

“Did San really do this to you?”

“What?!” I exclaim head pounding, ‘I was with San last wasn’t I?’ “I, I don’t remember I…I.” whimper as my head starts hurting again and he pushes me back under the waterfall. He sighs in relief, “I thought we’d lost you when I saw all the blood.”

“Still might.” I say teeth grit. I arch my back then slowly let my head tilt despite my neck. I relax a little as some of the water trickles over the split ear and into it. Whatever damage done to the eardrum suddenly feels better. The sound of water doubles in volume.

I shiver and look up at the spy suddenly needing to know, “Are your eyes and your hair grey?” I feel him start through his arms holding me up.

“No…” he laughs a little, “My eyes are brown and my hair is more of a blonde.” He seems even more confused when my shoulders sag, “Why? Are you disappointed?”

“Oh no, I guess I had a dream and they were that color in it, it would have been cool if that was the case.”

He reads the room quickly, “How’s your hearing?”

I move my head letting the water stream out of it and then ask, “Could you snap your finger or at least make a noise on that side.”

I feel a little shiver as he whispers, “Can you hear this Ray?” I nod. Then he moves to the other side, “And this?” I nod again and wincing touch my neck.

“I think my neck got hurt too.” He leans forwards letting himself get wet as he very gently puts his hand on my neck. “Move it but only what is comfortable.”

Now I feel the bones grinding and protesting as I turn my head.

“Stop!” He says somewhat panicked. “Don’t move your neck anymore.” He supports the back of my neck and leans forward and then explains, “We’re going to have to stay like this for a while. That needs to heal.” 

When he said a while I didn’t expect hours. I’m shaking so bad from the cold that I doubt keeping still is helping anymore.

“Just a little longer Ray,” he whispers, his own teeth chattering, "then I’ll check your neck again."

“C,can we go to the hotsprings after this?” I ask, holding him tightly, thankfully after the first hour he let me put my head down on his shoulder. I wonder where the chief is. 

“Yeah and I’ll get us some hot tea as well.” He laughs, trembling a little. I reach up to play with his hair and notice it’s in a high ponytail bun, weird.

He seems not to like that because he pulls away out of our long embrace, if I could see I'd have noticed a conflicted expression on his face.

"Here," he whispers, "Let me check your neck again?"

I can sense something is off so I murmur an apology, just for in general. He puts his hands around my neck like before. I turn my head one direction and then another, it feels wierd but maybe because it's so cold.

I lift my head to look up and then down feeling a sharp painful zing I let out a hiss of pain.

The spy catches this and decides to leave me in the water for another hour.

I don't know how but suddenly I realized my vision was going to come back again if only for a brief second I look at the spy eagerly and then wince when I feel the snap and the bright flash, he's leaning in eyes wide with concern as I let out a cry of pain. It's so bright. I search his face and the cave eyes greedily gobbling up everything dispite the light being too much and tears forming.

His hair and eyes are still gray. I tilt my head and then once again the vision is whisked away and I know it's not going to come back or at least not for a while. Maybe because I can feel the damage now...somewhere right behind my eyes. As though something...just needed another good rattle. I feel a sick grin form, my therapist would hate the thoughts I was having right now.

"Ray?" The spy asks his voice questioning. "Your eyes..."