“Something is missing from the universe,” says Gabriel with the timbre of a 100 trillion piccolos.

“What is it? ” Metatron responds in kind.

“Not sure yet but there's an imbalance.”

---

The first sign on Earth that something is wrong occurs Monday September 27th 2021. Angela is informed by a prison social worker at the Louisiana State Penitentiary that her husband John Kyle committed suicide 15 minutes before his execution. (A crucifix is found in his closed right hand.) Angela takes a deep breath, thanks the social worker and hangs up the phone. A similar event occurs in Iran ten hours later. Amir Ahmadi takes his life less than an hour before his scheduled killing. No one beyond the staff is alerted of the anomaly. The death count that goes, nearly unnoticed, and affects only two men, worsens overnight. By Wednesday prisoners with several years left on death row are dying and by Friday it has expanded to people with decades of life left. On Saturday October 2nd The Guardian headlines,

“All Death Row inmates on Earth are Dead.”

The mass self-inflicted passings stop on Sunday. News outlets, scientists and pulpiteers credit among other factors God, economics, and evolution. Billions rejoice at the thought that the most wicked people on the planet are finally being wiped from existence.

....

“We’re getting fired for this,” Gabriel tells Metatron.

“We? It happened during your shift. Helped you cover for it so far because I owed you that favor from 1500 yrs ago but that's it. Don’t weave me into this. Where have you looked?”

“Everywhere. Made an excuse to visit that snob Sachiel in the 6th heaven, to snoop around, and gained nothing. Listened to the choirs in the fifth heaven until my ears nearly bled, figuratively speaking, and zero. Checked the temple and under the altar at the fourth heaven and again nada.”

“Did you search the garden of Eden and where the Angels are imprisoned?”

“Of course I did. I am not stupid.”

“Pardon me your intellectual-eminence,” Metatron waves his hand mocking flattery.

“Much better.” Gabriel ignores the sarcasm. “Even checked in on Adam and Eve in the first heaven and found zilch. Left no stone unturned. Inspected Eve’s drawers, in vain.”

“Why are you holding a leaf?”

Gabriel sniffs it. “Oh it’s Eve's. I helped her with laundry while I was there. Snuck this evidence in my pocket.”

“So you’re saying it's not up here?” Metatron says and shakes his head.

“I need to go down there” -wiggles his fingers dismissively- “and find it.”

...

 On Monday the self-destruction begins again. Everyone with a life sentence dies by Tuesday and by Saturday prisons and jails across the planet are empty. Self-righteous glee turns to terror. People awaiting sentencing in jails starve themselves by the thousands. Holding facility courtyards burn the dead in pyres due to lack of space in morgues and out of fear that an unknown pathogen is causing the catastrophe. The Times of India headlines the following on Sunday morning,

 “Over 10 Million Incarcerated, Dead.”

 On Sunday the deaths stop again. Priests urge the faithful to repent for their sins and to stop immoral actions. Parents sit for lunch with their kids to explain why mom or dad will never come home again. Investors speculate that this is the time to buy crypto currencies. Politicians on the right use it as an argument for increasing federal spending on security measures in prisons while leftists explain how this is proof that prison alternatives need more funding.

 In the meantime, Gabriel prepares to leave for earth. Xyrs human disguise is meant to blend in. A safari hat and shoulder length hair in a ponytail covers xyrs head. What Meteton calls a, “righteous rack” endows xyrs chest. And a thick goatee hides xyrs lips. Cargo shorts, a V-neck white tee shirt and rope sandals complete the look.

“Dashing,” says Metatron to Gabriel sincerely, when xe leaves.

Gabriel’s first stop on Earth is Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Xe wishes to speak with the Rebbe of the spiritually-attuned Hasidic community there, and to try Dominican food for the first time.

After gifting $8000 Shtreimel rabbit fur hats to 18 Hasidim Gabriel earns a sit down with Rabbi Zalman Leib Teitelbaum wife's, sister's best friend Sarah. A protege of religious studies she had memorized the Torah by the first grade. Gabriel shares the story with her and asks for help. After hours of discussions spanning Matisyahu to the multiverse the two finally return to the matter at hand. What could be missing and how the recent suicides are linked to it.

“Shouldn’t you know all this?” says Sarah with a Yiddish accent.

“Only God is omniscient. I’m a lowly archangel. In my defense there are about 40 billion earth-like planets in this universe alone. Just imagine how many news feeds I get every second. When you consider that an ant is as valuable to” -bows and raises arms- “as a planet, not to mention a human you can see how exhausting it is to keep up with everything important that’s happening.” says Gabriel.

“Well then isn’t HaShem aware that you are here talking to me?”

Gabriel bows and raises xyrs arms- “is at the Boötes void, as you humans call it, enjoying alone time with Mother Goddess Ashera. No reception"-makes bunny ears-"for hundreds of millions of light years. Probably making a new universe as we speak.”

“Back to your question about what is missing and where to find it. The number of factors required to keep the universe in balance is infinite, yet their quantity is only matched by the influence each has on the universe. That being said, I dare guess humbly that I've narrowed it down,” Sarah says.

“Well spit it out before elementary school kids in detention start seppukuing themselves.

“Suicide happens when a person’s ability to endure agony is lost. Sufferance is impossible without God and most acts of suicide in the old testament Abimelech, the prophet Ahithophel and Zimri all suffered from unbearable shame.”

“So you are thinking everyone died of guilt because their ability to endure it is lost?”

Sarah shrugs.

“Thank you, thank you, that helps. Enjoy the hats.”