"No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality."
― Shirley Jackson, The Haunting of Hill House

NB: Back to Kyle's POV

TW: Suicidal thoughts, idealization of suicide

Eventually, Kyle had to stop in his tracks. Running was a marvelous activity to him, in the sense that when he ran, his mind fell silent. It was indeed a marvelous feeling, the only good one he had experienced in the last few years.

Sad thing was, at one point or another, his body always told him he had to stop. Thus, his physical limits were reached, long before his mental ones. It left a sour taste in his mouth; his temporary relief overran by an all-too familiar frustration. 

His stupid, weak body always seemed to escape his control, one way or another. No matter how hard he trained, physical exhaustion eventually caught up with him. 

Of course, the root of the problem, as his uncle had often reminded him, was his Submissive Nature. He could train how hard he wanted, to the point of being admired by all for his strength and technical abilities, he could never become as strong as Darren, for example. 

Speaking of which...

Kyle stiffened when a hint of a familiar smell reached his nostrils. Darren. The Alpha of the Ravenstgh pack wasn't here yet, but he would be soon. 

Was he coming here to kill him? For what other reason would Darren have followed him into the forest?

He should have run faster, push his body harder...

No. It didn't matter, in the end. If Darren wanted to kill him, so be it. No doubt it would be a painful moment, but the moment would pass, and should bring him eternal quietness. 

I'm so tired. I've been tired for so many years. 

I just want to escape myself. 

Thinking that, exhausted or not, he couldn't look this pitiful in front of his leader, the wolf stood up tiredly from his sitting position. He raised his head, readying himself for what was coming his way.

He didn't have to wait for long. A mere minutes later, a wolf of imposing size, with black fur, emerged from behind a pine tree.

How can he be so fast? It's unfair. It really is. 

The two wolves stood in silence for a few minutes, unmoving, neither of them willing to lower their gazes or to back off even so slightly.

"Shift" eventually declared Darren. 

Why should he shift? Was it because Darren wanted Kyle to be in his human form, when he killed him? Why did it even matter?

"SHIFT", Darren repeated, and this time, the word had been a command. 

Kyle shivered, and much to his dismay, his body immediately complied, although his mind wasn't pleased.

The first thing he did, once he was back in his human form, was to pull on the extra-large shirt he always carried with him, when he went for a run. 

Feeling a bit better with the thin material covering his body, he turned to find Darren had shifted, too, and was standing in front of him, in his naked gloriousness. 

Most werewolves weren't shy about their bodies, to say the least. It was hard to be, when you kept shifting from one form to another, and thus spent a good amount of time naked among your peers. 

Being naked was natural to werewolves, no matter their age, physical condition or gender. They were so used to seeing all types of bodies, that they would never make fun of someone because of their physical appearance. 

So, why was Kyle so self-conscious? He knew the others were curious about it. 

When he was younger, he couldn't have care less about his body. The shame had started with his uncle taking the role of his tutor and telling him on a daily basis that he was nothing but a waste of space, a weak creature who shouldn't have been born at all. 

Most of my problems come from my stupid condition. I used to be happy before I found out I was a Sub and had to take suppressant pills.

"Why are you here?" he eventually asked, as silence stretched between them. 

The Alpha raised an eyebrow at the slightly rude tone, but didn't bother to lecture him, nor did he seem in a hurry to answer Kyle's question. 

He had always been like this, as far as Kyle could recall it. While his power was obvious to all, he rarely raised his voice or resorted to force. All he had to do was modify slightly his facial expressions, and you could tell that you had crossed the line. 

Well, he did use his physical strength on me once, and I certainly don't want to experience it ever again. If he kills me tonight, I hope he will make it quick, in memory of our long-dead friendship. 

"Why do you think I am here, Beta?"

This was another of Darren's characteristic. Answering a question with another question. He had been doing this since childhood. Kyle still recalled a few amusing moments, when Darren had managed to render speechless the adults.

"Darren, answer the lady. She asked you how old you are."

"Why is she interested in knowing that, dad?"

"She is just trying to have a conversation with you, sweety."

"Why should we have a conversation?"

Recalling these moments made him even sadder. As he lost himself in the memories, a smile often touched his lips. 

He felt close to Darren and Nate again. 

His mum was alive, he had two best amazing friends and his uncle was nothing but a distant relative his mother didn't want to see more than necessary.

Then the bubble shattered, and he was all alone. 

"Well?" 

"You're here to kill me" Kyle answered easily. 

Darren coughed, loosening his stiff posture. He stared at Kyle with incredulity.

"What? It's not so absurd to believe it, isn't it?"

"If I wanted to kill you, I would have done so the day you tried to... you know."

Kyle just nodded, his expression grim. He knew that Darren wasn't a killer. Werewolves were strongly ruled by their instincts, but his former friend had always abhorred shedding blood. 

"How can you say that so easily?" Darren mused, not looking at him anymore.

"I'm not afraid of dying." 

At these words, Darren eyes slowly raised to meet Kyle's. His expression had softened a bit, and Kyle wondered why. The Alpha was a man of a few words, and it was usually hard to guess what he was thinking. 

Another moment of silence ensued, with Darren scrutinizing Kyle and Kyle trying hard not to avert his eyes from the imposant man. 

Said man could never know how hard it was for Kyle to stand up to him like this. Looking straight in the eye of an obviously upset Alpha wasn't easy in itself, but it was almost impossible when you were a Sub and all your instincts were screaming at you to submit. 

Kyle only -barely- managed it out of practice and sheer will. However, now that he was mated - though the bond hadn't been completed yet- with Darren, hiding his nature might become even more complicated. 

"If you're not here to kill me, then you are going to banish me from the pack?"

"You almost sound like you wouldn't mind it"

This time, Kyle didn't grace him with an answer. It was no secret to his pack members that Kyle no longer really belonged with them. Of course, being a rogue wasn't an easy path to follow, and the ones who took it usually didn't have a long life. 

At the same time, being alone meant being finally free from the judgmental eyes that had been attached to him for years.

Kyle didn't answer, because he wasn't sure how he felt about the idea of leaving the place when he had been both happy and tremendously sad.

"Are you going to banish me?" he asked, his voice less strong that he wanted it to be, because this was Darren standing in front of him and somehow he wasn't so good at pretending in front of his mates.

"I'm not."

"Then why did you come here?"

"To bring you back home. You should share our tent, starting from tonight. It would be better as we - uh. Well, The One Eye said..."

"I know what the One Eye said." Kyle interrupted. 

Home. When had his pack's camp stopped feeling like home?  After this dreadful night? After his mother's death? Of even before that?

Darren and Nate didn't want him dead. That was the only reason why Darren was offering him to share their tent tonight. No need to get his hopes high. No need for his stupid heart to stop beating so fast.

"Just go." he said in a detached voice. "I'll sleep in my own tent and I - I'll be fine. We'll see each other in the morning."

Darren nodded, his relief, although carefully hidden, obvious to Kyle, as he used to be closed to the man. 

He looked at Darren's back, as the Alpha turned around, probably longing to return the warmth of his tent and of his shared couch. Nor that Kyle blamed him for it.

Then suddenly, Darren stopped and slowly turned back to observe Kyle from head to toes.

What was it that he saw that made him change his mind? Was it the state of Kyle's bloody feet? The purple crescents under his eyes? Or was it something deeper, which couldn't be seen but only felt?

Whatever it was, Darren's expression darkened, as he walked back toward Kyle, his eyes never leaving the defiant man.