KYLE'S POV

For the first time in ages, Kyle had gotten a fair amount of sleep.

He hadn't slept well, not exactly. He and sleep had been at odds for years now. When he was asleep, Kyle was everything he had told himself never to be again.

Vulnerable to external attacks as well as to his own thoughts. Passive. Without control over his body.

He hated it, but unfortunately, it was impossible to just stop sleeping. So he did sleep, but only the minimum amount of time needed to stay alive and still manage to do well at training.

To some people, sleep provides a temporary relief from their mental prison. While they are asleep, they no longer have to carry their guilt, grief, or sense of unbelonging.

That wasn't the case for Kyle. He often had nightmares, where he was forced to live again the terrible night when he had almost rapped his best friend. His uncle was also a recurrent character of his nightmares, beating him to a pulp without leaving any marks, or belittling him in the most cruel manner he could think of.

The nightmares were horrible, yet the dreams were worst.

He dreamt about his mother, when she was still alive and would comb his hair while calling him her precious boy. He dreamt about Nate and Darren, back at the time when the trio was inseparable. He dreamt about his happy and long-gone childhood.

The dreams were worst than the nightmares, because they made the return to reality even harder.

Every time he had those wonderful dreams, Kyle wished he was dead. He longed to stay forever in this alternative world, where the ones he loved didn't leave his side. The dreams were far better than the reality, and thus, they underlined how bad his reality was.

These sad thoughts were almost always immediately followed by a gnawing self-loathing, because he could dream all he wanted, it was his own fault he had ended up alone. He was a rapist, a walking failure and a stupid Submissive, who had to take suppressants because he could never overcome his true nature.

His mates already knew he was a good-for-nothing wolf, but they didn't know - and could never find out - the true extent of his uselessness, hence the suppressants and the extra-hard training.

"Did you sleep well?" Nate enquired in a polite tone, as he ran a hand through his thick brown, hair, in an attempt to stylish them a bit.

"Not too bad. Thanks" Kyle mumbled back as he tried hard not to stare for too long at his adorably sleepy mate, who always managed to look ten times better than anyone else, with his radiant brown skin, his big hazel eyes and his naturally charming smile.

Darren hadn't been inside when Kyle had opened his eyes this morning, and he had assumed the Alpha leader had some business to take care of.

So, that was just him and Nate. Needlessly to say, the atmosphere was a bit weird in the tent.

Nate just nodded at Kyle's vague answer, instantanly making the latter second-guess himself.

Was he supposed to elaborate? He probably should have asked Nate in return if he had slept okay. That was the polite thing to do.

Could he ask him now? But it was already a bit too late, he felt that opportunity had passed. Maybe he could ask Nate a different question, one that would show he cared. Okay, so what should he ask?

"Are you hungry this morning?" he blurted out.

"Huh?"

Nate looked at him with a slightly bewildered expression, and Kyle felt his cheeks get flushed.

"Huh, no, maybe it's not a good question." he stuttered. "Let me try something else... do you reckon it's gonna be a rainy day?"

"Oh my God, Kyle... I forgot how much you suck at small talk!"

Kyle didn't have the time to get offended at Nate's blunt statement, because the guy burst out laughing.

It wasn't mocking, or anything of the sort. It was Nate's happy, warm, vaguely porcine and very unique laugh.

It made Kyle smile in return. It felt good to hear Nate laugh again in his company.

While Nate was still laughing, shaking his head with a rather fond expression, Kyle took a closer look at his former best friend.

The man was no longer the scrawny teen he had known, but while his body was now nicely toned, his features were still soft and delicate.

Unlike most dominant wolves Kyle knew, Nate's tone was almost always gentle when he addressed others. He didn't seem to have a single competitive bone in his body, he would choose strategy over brute force at any time, and was more or less regarded as the pack's informal nurse.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" the Beta suddenly inquired.

"I wasn't looking at you" Kyle hastily replied.

"Okay, you lying makes it even more suspicious" the man retorted in a flat tone.

Oops, bursted. Deciding that he had managed to make the man laugh, although at his own expense, and that he didn't want to ruin the moment by openly lying to him, Kyle opted for the truth.

"Huh, I was thinking that you didn't really look like most Doms I know."

"I see." was Nate's curt answer.

Was Nate angry at him? Had Kyle already ruined everything - not that there had been much to ruin in the first place. What did he mean by 'I see'? It wasn't like Nate, to make such short answers. The Beta had always been, by far, the most talkative of the trio.

"Don't start panicking" Nate added with a pointed expression. "I'm not offended. It's not the first time I have been told I look more like a Sub, whatever that means."

"How can you not be offended? " Kyle exclaimed without thinking. "I'd kill myself if someone ever told me I looked like a Sub!"

"Well that's a bit extreme, don't you think?" Nate retorted with a raised eyebrow.

The Beta sighed heavily, then motionned for Kyle to sit on the bed next to him, which the latter did, while taking great care not to let their legs touched.

He then patiently waited, while Nate was seemingly looking for the right words.

"Unlike you or Darren, I don't look like the typical Dom" Nate eventually declared. "So what? Is there anything wrong with being a Sub? I wouldn't mind being one. I think that, in our pack at least, the Subs are generally much more clever, soft-spoken and caring than the others, and that's all that matters to me."

"You really think there's nothing wrong with being a Sub?" Kyle asked in a small voice, his heart suddenly beating faster.

"I never understood why subgenders matter so much to some people." Nate elaborated, his voice becoming heated with passion. "Being a Sub or a Dom doesn't tell anything about a person, except that they might feel a need to dominate or being dominated, especially in bed. That's all, and it isn't something I give a shit about."

Kyle briefly turned his head, just long enough so that the man wouldn't see his eyes glistening with unshed tears. Nate's words felt good, but they were too good to be true. He was just being his pacific self, never seeing the world for what it really was.

A world where there was an invisible line between the genders - Alpha, Beta, Omega - as well as the subgenders - Dominant - Submissive - Neutral.

"Would you look down at someone just because they are a Sub?" Nate suddenly asked dryly.

"No, of course not."

"Then why did you say you would kill yourself if someone thought you had Submissive characteristics - which you obviously don't?" Nate pressed on.

"Can we change the subject? It's not a worth arguing about it."

Nate nodded, but he didn't look pleased, and Kyle understood why.

Although Darren wasn't the least forgiving with the packs members that discriminated Submissives, it was a fact that Submissives usually had it harder than the others. Although the legislation had changed over the centuries, theorically ensuring equality for all werewolves, the mentalities hadn't evolved as quickly.

There weren't many parents who weren't secretly hoping that their child would turn a Dominant, although they would not say it aloud.

Dominants were more respected among their pairs, to put it simply.

Kyle would never think less of someone because of their subgender, yet he hated himself for being a Sub.

Being friend with a Sub? Absolutely!

Accepting that he was one himself? He just couldn't, for he wasn't just a Sub.

He was a useless, dirty, unlovable one.

"Nate. I don't want you to think I'm a prejudiced asshole" Kyle declared, as the Beta was about to leave the tent.

"I think you're a bit prejudiced, yes, but I don't think you're an asshole." Nate replied, before adding in a more gentle tone "you really look better this morning. These bags under your eyes are of a lighter color."

"It's probably because I didn't have any nightmares, or any dreams" Kyle mumbled, his cheeks turning a light pink from what wasn't even a compliment.

"Well, I think you're wrong here."

Kyle's breath skipped a beat at hearing Nate's casual declaration.

"What do you mean, I'm wrong?" he asked in the calmest voice he could manage.

"Nothing."

"Nate! Now it's your turn to be honest with me!"

"You - uh. You talked in your sleep." Nate admitted begrudgingly.

What could he have talk about? He didn't remember dreaming about anything. He couldn't have say something about the suppressants, could he? That would be the absolute worst scenario.

See, that's why Kyle just hated sleeping. Things he managed to keep hidden during the day just escaped his control at night.

"What did I talk about, Nate?"

"Just drop it, okay? It wasn't anything important." the man sighed.

"What. Did. I. Talk. About." Kyle gritted between his teeth, taking a few steps in Nate's direction.

"Back off" Nate snapped back, suddenly looking very pissed.

They both looked at each others, glaring, before Kyle slowly took a few steps back, already regretting his angry outburst. He didn't want to act like this toward anyone, especially not his mates.

"You wanna know what you've said?" asked Nate in an oddly quiet voice.

"Please."

"You kept saying you wanted both Darren and I to fill you up."

So, it wasn't about the suppressants, then, but it hardly made Kyle feel any better. All blood left his face, and he actually started feeling sick.

As for Nate, the werewolf didn't look angry anymore. He took careful steps toward the bigger man, his hands raised as a sign of appeasement.

"Kyle, what's wrong? It was just something you said in a dream. It doesn't mean - "

"I have to go now" Kyle interrupted, as he started doing just that.

"You look upset."

"Of course I'm upset. I'm dirty. I don't wanna be dirty. I hate it!" Kyle almost screamed.

"What?"

By the time Nate had recovered from Kyle's shocking declaration, the latter was already gone, leaving his mate with even more unanswered questions.