In retrospect, Jung-su was an okay boyfriend. Yes, he was a cheater, and he’d occasionally wear his smelly ankle socks to bed. But, in many ways, he was a good guy.

He hardly ever complained about my nonexistent work-life balance, and even during the most turbulent phases in our relationship, he supported my career ambitions. And he made my life easier. So much easier. He’d get groceries every Monday, always taking out the trash first. Hell, he’d even scoop out all the rotten gunk from the kitchen sink without being asked. That was unheard of.

My mom liked him too.

Maybe that’s why I never officially broke up with him after the cheating fiasco. “I need some time to think things through,” I told him, or something along those lines. The following week, I moved out from his apartment and changed my phone number. I just couldn’t face him.

He was probably devastated. Or furious—I wouldn’t have known. He had sent me over twenty emails, which I never read. I just blocked him. He didn’t give up easily, though; the following day he left a message in the payment purpose section as he transferred a few thousand won to my bank account. “It doesn’t have to end this way,” it read, but I didn’t respond. I closed my bank account, and then, six months later, I left for ‘Paris’.

It was over. I wanted it to be over. Yet, from time to time, I’d have a blistering urge to check up on him, to see whether he was dating someone new; whether he ever gave up on growing out his patchy beard.

The fact that I didn’t, in any shape or form, confounded me. I’d still occasionally peek at my uni-days ex’s social media. But not Jung-su’s. Perhaps, it was a sign that I had matured. That I had truly loved him. Or, maybe, that I had never done any of those things.

“Morning, gorgeous.” Jung-su’s jarring voice yanked me out of sleep like an alarm sound I heard once too many times. I laid still for a minute, taking in the fresh, floral aroma radiating from my pillow. 

Without receiving my reaction, he leaned closer and wrapped his arms around me from behind. “Wakey wakey, baby.” He slid his icy hands under my shirt, and I shivered, hair rising on my neck.

“Morning,” I said, yawning, pretending to be sleepier than I actually was. “Your hands are cold.”

He wiggled his butt like a joyful puppy. “Then I need to warm them up!” He squeezed my breasts, sloppily, not gently nor roughly enough for my liking. He was a simple man. 

“I’ll be late,” I blurted.

“Oh, c’mon, baby.” He hugged me tighter and pulled me over into his bedside. I didn’t protest, even when my shoulder met his sweat stain imprinted in the bed sheet, but made a mental note to wash the bedding later this evening. “We still have an hour,” he whispered and then dug his boner in between my thighs, rocking it back and forth. Back and forth. 

I peeked at the clock on my bedside. He was right. We did have time.

As he loosened his grasp, I turned around and leaned in for a kiss. A whiff of his morning breath tickled my nose as I pressed my lips against his, but at least I managed to dodge his tongue.

“My head’s killing me,” I said piteously and wrapped myself into the blanket.

“Oh, baby.” Jung-su wiggled his way into my cocoon. “Luckily for you, your boyfriend’s got a remedy.” He swiftly pulled the blanket off.

“Cold, cold, cold,” I yelped, rubbing my arms as if trying to spark a fire.

His hands entrapped me from both sides as he propped over me. “You won’t be for long,” he said seductively, I guess, and slithered his hand down my stomach, right into my panties. I bent my legs and braced for impact. 

Fiercely, as if trying to summon a genie, he stroked me everywhere. Everywhere but the clit. “You like it, don’t you?” He smirked.

I let out a quiet moan so convincing, for a brief moment, even I thought it was genuine. He was more than swayed. As soon as he heard my moan, he began pulling my panties down.

I froze. If I wanted to go on with my day, I had to do it now . Today was the hair washing day, after all. But, if I got up and left at this moment, he wouldn’t stop whining, and his grouchy presence would haunt me for the rest of the week.

Maybe I should just get it over with, suck him off, and call it a day? If I was lucky, it would take him ten minutes to cum. Twenty most likely. I might have just enough time to—

I flinched as he thrust his dick inside of me. 

Twenty minutes it was. 

“It’s in,” he reported as if his penis needed a personal news correspondent.  

I gritted my teeth, not doing much to suppress my reflexive frown. It didn’t hurt half as much as it usually did, but I suddenly felt a hint of nausea bubbling in my guts. He wouldn’t have noticed, of course. He wasn’t looking at me . Well, not into my eyes, at least.

Nineteen minutes. 

He moved clumsily, slightly out of rhythm, and grunted with each and every thrust. It wasn’t a sound you’d expect from a man in action. Any action. Actually, it wasn’t a sound you’d expect from a man at all. He sounded more like an emaciated bear, fighting for its own survival in the middle of the Russian tundra.

Eighteen minutes. 

I peeked through his shoulder into the white Kit-Cat clock hanging on the wall before me. The minute hand didn’t move, but the Kit-Cat’s ocean-blue eyes and its curved tail kept shifting left and right, left and right. Almost in perfect sync with Jung-su as he swung his hips back and forth,

Left and right. 

Back and forth. 

Left and right. 

Back and forth.   

Wait a minute.  

I frowned, narrowing my eyes in confusion.

Jung-su never had a Kit-Cat clock.

Suddenly, Kit-Cat’s eyes came to a halt, focusing on me. Staring. Its mouth opened wide, exposing a row of sharp, plasticky teeth.

"Ding-ding-ding-ding!” A loud Jackpot tune escaped its jaws together with dozens of neon balloons and rainbow coloured confetti. Some of it got into my hair, but I couldn’t get it out.

“You win!” Kit-Cat said in a muffled polyphonic voice. “Pick up the phone to get your prize!!”

Excited, I pressed the orange dial-phone’s receiver to my ear. “Hello?” I said. 

Silence.

“Hello, is anyone there?” I repeated.

“Hi, zaika.” Zhenya’s husky voice came from the other end. 

"Ding-ding-ding-ding!” The celebratory tune chimed again, and the world spun with a bright, blinding flash as I got sucked into the phone receiver.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Zhenya announced cheerfully, waving her cape as she marched on the stage, followed by an obedient spotlight. “Let’s find out, what did Soo-jin win!?”

Cheers and applause came from the audience, which was weird because I was the only one sitting there.

“Everyone, welcome my assistant zaika!” she said, and the spotlight suddenly switched on above me, briefly blinding me.

My floppy bunny ears bounced up and down as I wobbled onto the stage, slowly, so as not to strain my ankles in these ridiculous twenty-centimeter heels. They were even more uncomfortable than the black corset-like bodysuit digging into my groin, but at least I looked good.

The invisible crowd went crazy at the sight of me. Someone even whistled, but Zhenya shushed them all with a few finger wags. “Drumroll, please,” she said and took off her enormous magician’s hat, handing it to me. It was much heavier than expected. I nearly dropped it on the floor, but, somehow, at the last second, I managed to hold it straight.

“Fuck, where’s my my magic wand?” she exclaimed, hectically tapping her pantsuit pockets. 

I watched her curse like a trucker and pull heaps of junk out of her suit: water guns, rolling pins, grenades, red thongs, you name it. The pile grew taller and taller, until it nearly reached my eye level.

“Here it is!” She finally pulled out a Hitachi wand from her cape and fluttered it around. “Abracadabra!” An ethereal glow enveloped the hat, and it grew larger and heavier, almost reaching the size of my mom’s old soban table, and I could barely see anything through it.

“Hurry," I yelped, feeling it slowly slipping through my fingers.

She shoved her hand inside of the hat, and wiggled it around. “I think I grabbed it by its ears,” she said, her hand still buried inside, shaking the hat from within. “Can it be another rabbit?” She must have fished something out—suddenly, the hat stopped trembling and a thundering ovation filled the air.

Sweat was dripping down my temples and my arms trembled in agony. I couldn’t do it anymore. I let go. The hat drifted through the air, as lightly as a feather, and landed on the floor without making a sound. Confused, I looked at Zhenya. 

Just like Jung-su in his dating-app profile pictures, which he took during one of his fishing trips, Zhenya stood tall and proud, with her hand aloft, holding her prey tightly. But her prey—it wasn’t a fish. Nor a rabbit. Well, not a rabbit-rabbit. She was holding a—

Lavender rabbit vibrator?

My lavender rabbit vibrator.

Suddenly, the curtain dropped. The cheering stopped. The lights died out. An eerie silence settled like smoke, and I should have been scared, but I wasn’t.

When the lights went back on—now much dimmer and flickering—the stage seemed to have shrunken into a tiny interrogation room. Just four walls and a desk. And us.

Dressed in a tight-fitting police officer’s uniform, Zhenya took up most of the space; so much in fact, that when she stepped forward, I barely had any room to breathe. 

“You’re touching yourself,” she stated casually.

I rolled my eyes, annoyed by her ludicrousness. “I’m not,” I was about to protest, but when I looked down, my back suddenly pressed against something cold and rough, and I realized she was right… I was, indeed, touching myself. Not with my hand, but with my rabbit vibrator, as I laid on the desk, my legs slightly spread.

Instinctually, I pressed it to my clit, but I could barely feel anything. 

Zhenya’s fingers gripped the sides of the table. “Poor lil Soo-jin. She wants more, doesn’t she?”

“Yeah,” I breathed, partly ashamed, partly frustrated. I didn’t just want it. I needed it.

Her golden locks and her black tie hovered above me as she leaned forward, looking down at me. Into me. “Then beg for it.”

“Please,” I whispered.

“Didn’t hear you.”

“Please, please, please,” I said breathlessly, swallowing air like a starved animal.

She smiled, content and devious.

Suddenly, the vibrations intensified and a warm, satisfying pulse seeped under my skin. I shuddered, letting out a loud, disobedient moan. “Don’t—Don’t stop,” I begged.

“Don’t stop what?”

I was about to speak, but she was quicker. “What do you want?” she asked. 

“What do I want,” I recited, confused, stuck on the edge of the climax.

She leaned even closer, her locks now tickling my face. “What do you want, Soo-jin?”

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I tried again, but my mind went blank. I wasn’t even sure why I was here in the first place. “I want—” I finally uttered, and, instantly, my mom burst through the door, her face twisted with disgust, tears pooling at the corners of her eyes. Fuck.  

The ground shook, and I wanted to dash towards her, to hug her, to comfort her. But I couldn’t. “No, no, no, mom, it’s not what it looks like,” I yelped, petrified, but it was too late.

She was down on her knees, weeping like a newfound widow. And just as the world shook again, behind her I saw him—my older brother, eighteen, just as I remembered him last. He smiled at me and said something, but I couldn’t make out his words, so I screamed out his name, and the oxygen fled my body, and—

I woke up gasping for air and disoriented. 

In complete darkness, my fingers kept reaching for the light switch on my left, and it took me a second to realize that it wasn’t there. I wasn’t at Jung-su’s place. Catching my breath, I sat up on the edge of the bed and finally turned on the lamp. Taking its time, the dim orange hue slowly illuminated the tiny room.

That’s right . 

It was my idea. I told Zhenya to stop at a highway motel on our way back to the city. I wanted to catch up on the news and updates from the chief and, apparently, I fell asleep doing so. 

I rubbed my eyes until I saw static. I had been exhausted. I still was. Hence the fucked up dreams. That, and the stress, of course. During the last few weeks, my body and my mind has been through so much. Add a new psychotic partner on top, and you get dreams about your freaking ex, and… ugh. 

I got up and marched to the bathroom. I showered and showered until the memories of the nightmare began melting away, and I finally felt like a sane-ish person. I did my make up, got into fresh clothes and got back to work.

Knock knock. Someone was at my door.

“Yes?” I yelled, not moving from the bed.

“It’s me.” Zhenya’s voice echoed from the other side.

Shit. 

“What do you want? I’m busy.”

“Do you really want me to shout the secrets of our mission out loud?”

“I said, I’m busy ,” I snapped.

“Well, I have updates on Anast—” I ran to the door before she could complete the sentence and flung them open. 

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” I whispered furiously.

She sneered, nearly identically to the way she did in my dream, with the left corner of her lips rising slightly higher, and I suddenly got all flustered and hot, and probably red too. 

“Ugh, okay, come in,” I said, annoyed. Before she entered, I opened the window, hoping that a whip of fresh air would calm my fiery skin, but it didn’t help much.

“So—” she said, slowly stepping into the room and closing the door behind her. "—we might have a problem.” She was looking around as if she was in a museum, and I suddenly noticed she had missed a button, exposing a patch of porcelain white skin on her chest.

“What problem?” I wiped the faint drops of sweat forming on my forehead and crossed my arms. 

“Not sure how to say this.” She glided her finger through a dusty table top and, for some stupid reason, my eyes kept drifting to her shirt.

“What is it?”

She smacked her tongue and plopped on my bed, her legs crossed. She didn’t even take her coat off, and it was boiling in here. “Well…” She looked at me, smirking, and I suddenly felt sweat dripping down my back, probably staining my blouse.

I forced a dry gulp. “What… what is it?"

“The problem is…”

“God, what? What is it?”

“You’re touching yourself, Soo-jin,” she said, and as I looked down, the world spun, and I was on the office desk once again, my legs spread apart, and I gasped, and I yelled, and it felt good, and scary, and—

I finally woke up for real.

Fuck.