Jade

I haven’t been on the earth that long. Not at all really, 17 years in total. Even with my limited experiences, I’ve felt love. I’ve felt love from others, and love for others. I’ve felt and accepted heartbreak. 

My biggest… my most painful heartbreak had been from one of my closest friends. We’d known each other for years, since we were young. I was so sure that… that she’d never feel the same that I simply let it go. Or more accurately, I tried to let it go. 

Everything about her was distracting. Her name, Kendall, her looks, her actions, the way she’d stand a little too close to me when we were hanging with our friends as a group. The way that her curled brown hair with tinges of red framed her face. The way she smiled when she was particularly excited. The smile reached her eyes and showed off her slightly crooked teeth. The way her jaw looked when her head shifted in a certain direction. The way her clothes stuck to her body after she went to the gym… though that one I’m more embarrassed about.

Sometimes, she’d get this thought in her head… I’m not totally sure what it was but she’d stare so intently at me. As if searching for something. This especially distracted me. She had these… dots in her eyes. Gold flecks, you could say they were. Something nobody would ever notice if you weren’t as close to her as I was. 

I’d known… for a long time that I was in love with her. In love with Kendall, she was everything I wanted and couldn’t have. Wanted because she was the most perfect person I’d ever met, couldn’t have because she never would have seen me the same. I’d known from middle school that I felt that way about her. Maybe from before that even, but I remember the moment that I knew. It wasn’t when we would change with the other students, it wasn’t at our weekly sleepovers, it wasn’t even the time she laid some guy out for saying something rude to me.

It was when the girl I had been dating—if you could call it that, it was middle school after all—had told me that I was too much. She’d said that I was too much to date, but somehow not enough. That I wouldn’t be able to find anyone, after all, who’d want someone who was too much but too little at the same time. Kendall had come to my side the moment she’d heard about it. I could tell I was worrying her, after all I was ranting about how right the girl was. That I wouldn’t be able to find someone. Kendall, though, she stopped me before I could even finish my first sentence. 

“You’ve never been too much. Or too little.”

I laughed at her when she’d said that, laughed, saying that she had to say that. She was my best friend after all. But she made it clear that wasn’t the case, “No, you’ve never been too much… not for me. You’re… you have always been perfect.” 

I had stared at her at that moment. Confused by what she was saying. Kendall was never exactly known for her affection in her friendships. Even with me. When she’d said that, it was when my heart settled. When the feeling of missing something… or someone, something displaced in my gut corrected itself. Something in my mind clicked. 

I’d known I liked girls. 

I just hadn’t known that I liked one girl in particular. 

I hadn’t totally believed her, but from that point on, she’d say it every day. At the beginning of the school day, she’d grab my shoulders and force me to stare at her with those gold flecks in her eyes, and say the exact same thing. “You’ll always be perfect for me.” 

She didn’t stop until I made her. I had to get her to stop. My stomach would flip every time she said it. My mind would stutter, everything would freeze for me. 

From that point on, I was careful. I’d walk on eggshells around her, careful not to say the wrong thing. Something that would give it away. I had… she couldn’t find out. Ever. It was my biggest fear that she would leave me. Stop thinking I was perfect because of some stupid little feelings. 

Once we entered high school, it was worse somehow. She started picking me up at my house to walk to class together. As if what I needed was more distractions nearly just as I woke up. 

On the first day of senior year, I felt like it was getting worse. Maybe because we were getting closer. Most mornings, she’d even come up to my room to get me. 

Every.

Morning.

“Jade…” I heard a whisper in my ear. A voice I liked, a voice I liked a lot. One I’ve always liked. Another mumbled, “Jade,” and my eyes were squeezing shut in the hopes of staying asleep. I slapped away the hand poking me in the cheek, “It’s time to get up,” she said. 

She started dragging her hand down my head, pressing my hair down. I grumbled and grabbed her wrist, throwing her away from me. She laughed loudly before I felt the bed weigh down next to me. “Cmon, Fior, time to wake up.” A fitting nickname for me apparently, at least that’s what she thought. She wouldn’t tell me what it meant, but I looked it up, hating that she was hiding something from me. Only to find out that it meant flower in italian. When I approached her about it, she said that flowers are perfect. She wanted to call me perfect without actually saying it seeing as I made her stop daily speech in middle school. 

“Stop calling me that,” I groaned, flipping onto my stomach and waving her off. She laughed again, always laughing at me. A melodic sound really, falling over me in a calming way. Swimming through my mind and taking root. So pretty. 

“Why would I stop when it’s my truest belief?” She asked theatrically while dragging her fingertip up and down my back. “If perfection was sitting in front of you, albeit refusing to get out of bed, would you not comment on it?” Two hands now, tapping a melody on my spine. 

“I wouldn’t. Get out of my house.” There was that laugh again. Her hands switched tunes, always thinking about her piano. She sat there, playing her piano on my spine for another five minutes. Eventually the touch simply got to be too much for me, it usually was. “Okay, okay, I’m getting up.” She jumped slightly, so immersed in her playing it’s like she forgot that I was in fact a person and not a piano.

“Awesome, about time!” She said, poking me in the sides. I jolted and flipped over, staring at her too pretty face. She stood, making her way to my closet to choose my outfit. She didn’t do it often, choosing my outfit, but every so often she would. She would say that it made her feel closer to me, I was never really sure what that meant though. 

I layed in bed as she rifled through my clothing. She threw the chosen clothing at me before leaving to let me change.

I stared in my full body mirror, she always used to choose outfits that were more ‘revealing’. A crop top with skin tight jeans that I always thought didn’t look good. 

I found her in my kitchen, eating an apple when I left my room. Scrolling through her phone as I placed my brush and hair ties in front of her. “Do what you will,” I joked. She always loved doing my hair, when she first started doing it, however, it was always chaos. I would always say when she started, ‘do what she will,’. For her, it was just a joke. But for me… for me it meant too much. It meant that I would give myself over to her, for her to do what she will with me. Just as long as I got to stay by her side. 

Maybe a little dramatic, but that was just how much I loved her. 

“You’ll let me do it today?” she said excitedly, which I only responded to with a nod. “You never let me do your hair lately!” She jumped from the seat, grabbing my wrist and pulling me to sit in front of her. My hair was usually pretty short seeing as I cut it after middle school. But every so often, I would let it grow out so she could style it how she liked. 

By the end, I was uncomfortable and my head hurt. But my hair looked good. My hair was similar to a mullet but not as long in the back. A modern mullet, technically. The sides which were usually shaved, she had french braided and the top which was usually hanging in my face was now slicked back. “Wow, you look gorgeous, Fior.” she whispered, running her fingers over the french braids. 

“Thank you, Kendall,” I grinned up at her, jumping to my feet. I appreciated Kendall waking me up much too early because it meant that we got to spend more time together. “I like it.” 

“I can do it tomorrow too!” she offered, “I’ll do it everyday. I’ll come wake you up,” she said, following me as I walked to the sink to wash my hands. She draped her arms across my shoulder, putting all her weight on me. A difficult position for her seeing as she was so much taller than me. “I can choose your outfit and make you breakfast and do your hair.” 

“We’d basically be living together at that point if you were to come over after class like usual.” I laughed, trying and failing to push her off of me. I braced my weight on the counter, trying to put some space between us.

“That doesn’t sound so bad, right?” she said, her voice was filled with what sounded to me like… yearning. But that couldn’t have been right, she rarely wanted for anything with that family of hers. I turned towards her, resting my hands on her shoulder.

“Are you okay?” I whispered, giving her a soft smile. She was always taking care of me, so I took every opportunity she gave me to do the same. The smile she gave me, it looked… painful. Like something was going seriously wrong. My brows dipped down in confusion, she nearly never looked upset. At least… not with me. The only times she did was when we were watching sad movies. 

“Something… my brother… he was just a dick last night.” She dove forward, her forehead dropping onto my shoulder. Always so touchy. Her arms wound around my waist and I awkwardly patted her on the back of the head. I never knew how to react when she got sad like that. 

“What happened?” 

She sighed, once more tapping a rhythm on my back. “I just-” she cut herself off, hesitating. And hesitating. And not continuing, “It doesn’t matter, just be here for a bit. Is that okay?” I sighed through my nose, she was hiding again. 

“Of course.” I wanted to say something more, wanted to say an endearment. I wanted more than she was willing to give. She never did tell me what he said, I was always curious but didn’t want to overstep boundaries. 

Nearly 10 minutes of her hugging me while playing a tune on my back. Every so often, her grip would tighten then loosen before her nose would bury a little further into my shoulder. Some might say this kind of touch is odd between people who are just friends; with us, though, it wasn’t unusual. Friends since childhood doesn’t exactly leave much space for caring about touching. At least, it certainly didn’t for Kendall, me on the other hand… It was difficult. “Kendall,” I whispered after a while, “we have to get going. Don’t wanna be late on the first day.” God, it felt good having her hanging on me so tightly. 

“I know.” she said, sliding her hands to my sides and holding there before taking a step back. She held onto me despite my telling her that we had to go. She once more looked pained but now a little… less. She looked calmer. 

“Do you?” I grinned, sliding out of her grip to grab my bag where I’d left on the front door the day before. She followed after me, grabbing at my wrist as I headed out the door. “What?” I said, turning back towards her. 

“I’m serious,” she whispered, “let’s just stay here. Just us?” 

“And my mom will say what when she comes home?” I laughed. 

“Whatever, let’s go find an airbnb or something. I just want it to be us, just us. Please.” That near whine at the end of the sentence caught me off guard. My eyes widened a little… something really must’ve gone wrong the day before with her family. I froze but took a slight step towards her. 

“Okay, this weekend. Just us? Like we used to do with my dad, sort of like camping without all the annoying bits. How does that sound?” She sighed a smile onto her face, a look filled with so much relief that it might’ve been the happiest I’d seen her since… well for a while. She nodded and dragged her hand up my arm and across my back. Her arm hooked around my shoulder as we walked towards the school. 

“Sounds good to me,” she said.