Trigger WARNING: trauma due to an attempted rape

Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.
(Stephen King)

NATE'S POV

It had been three days since Kyle had last slept in our tent. He hadn't given us any explanations, he had just stopped coming at night - not that he spent any time with us at daytime, either.

Of course, I was very well aware as to why the Beta wouldn't sleep close to us anymore.

I am dirty.

That's the words Kyle had screamed at me, his big brown eyes shining with unshed tears. Those words were now engraved in my mind, just as the sight of my distressed mate.

I don't wanna be dirty.

I knew I should have said something, right at the very moment when those absurd words had escaped his perfect lips.

I don't wanna be dirty. I hate it!

What did you mean by that, Kyle? How could you use such a strong word against yourself and looked so convinced of its truth? That was just a dream. I have them all the time.

You're anything but dirty.

You're perfectly normal.

An yet...

Yet, why did you try to rape me, all those years ago?

You were my friend, and I trusted you.

The more I think about it, the less sense it makes.

Darren knew something bad had happened between the two of us in the last few days, and I could tell my mutism was slowly driving him mad.

It was a bit hypocritical of me not to tell Darren about it, as I was always the one trying to get him to talk and be more open with me. I was the one who told him that at some point we would have to face what happened with Kyle. That the three of us really needed to talk, together.

I had told Darren about the panick attacks and the nightmares following the rape attempt. I found talking about it easier and easier as time went by, although it obviously wasn't a nice topic of conversation.

Sometimes, I feared I would never be able to shake off the memory of that dreadful night, when I felt weak, unheard and unseen.

I had told Kyle not to touch me, but I hadn't been heard, like my refusal didn't matter.

Like I didn't matter.

Like I was nothing more than a disposable piece of meat without a voice nor a soul. A mere envelop made for sexual release.

I hadn't fought him at that time, not really, my body freezing and my mind going blank. I had let my former best friend pin my wrists above my head, until fortunately Darren had came back to the room, preventing Kyle to go any further.

It had taken me a long time to accept that my apathy had been a normal reaction to the attack, and that I wasn't the one to blame.

"Will you talk to me now?"

I looked down at my handsome mate, who was still laying next to me, his voice muffled by the pillow.

He looked tired.

"Did something happen after Kyle had this sex dream involving us?" he eventually asked in a careful voice, as I remained silent.

I stiffened at that. "How did you guess?"

He shrugged. "Doesn't take a genius to figure it out. He avoids even meeting our eyes since that time."

It was true. Kyle was beyond embarrassed. It was hard picturing such a big, scary guy being embarrassed, but there was no mistaking the way his eyes lowered in shame whenever Darren and I so much as looked in his direction.

He was more aggressive than before as well, and I was starting to realise it might just be his way of protecting himself.

Well, that was just my guessing. We used to be best friends, but now Kyle was almost a stranger to us, and very little progress had been accomplished in this regard, since the Mating Ceremony.

"Did you tell him what he had said aloud in his dream?

"I did."

Darren winced, but spared me a lecture and instead patiently waited for me to elaborate.

"I know I shouldn't have told him anything, but I was mad at him and he was insisting." I admitted in a sigh.

"Why were you mad at him?"

"I'm not sure." I hesitated. "I guess that, deep down, the fact that he had a sex dream involving us disturbs me. After what had happened, all those years ago... maybe it's ridiculous, but I feel like it's wrong of him to have any sexual thoughts about me."

Darren was fully awake, now. He was sitting on the cot, with his warm hand on my knee, a silent gesture of support. There wasn't a person on Earth that knew me better than him, but I had discovered very recently that I had second mate, and that things weren't as easy as I thought they were.

I had to let Kyle in as well. Not just because he was my mate, but because we used to be friends.

I had to give him a chance. I had to talk to him, even if the wounds of the past had to be reopened in order for us to have a real conversation.

"There's something else?" Darren asked softly.

"I was mad at myself, too."

"Why?"

"When I heard Kyle moaning in his sleep and saying he wanted us to fill him up... I guess I also found it - arousing. That's sick of me, right? I mean, sex obviously isn't the solution to our problems. Plus, after what happened, how can I ..."

When he understood I didn't have the courage to finish, Darren simply gave me a side-hug, my head resting against his shoulder while he circled my body with his big arm. His free hand shot up to my head, and he started combing my hair with his fingers.

"I was reacting too. It's normal. He's our mate, and he is a very attractive man" was Darren's quiet observation.

"I know" I whispered, while snuggling even closer to him.

"I am not sure if it will work, Nate" Darren admitted with a weary expression.  "I don't even see how it could work. The three of us, I mean."

He waited for me to say something, but I couldn't come up with an answer. I felt the same way, why wouldn't I? I was supposed to have two mates, yet one of them was never there. Things were always tense and awkward between us, even when we tried to keep the atmosphere light.

"You know, I've received some complaints about Kyle, today." Darren continued. "Some of our pack members say he's been even more aggressive than usually at training, and that he won't listen to anyone."

"That sounds like him"

"He used to be different. Most of the time, I can't even tell what he thinks, or if he is really willing to give a try to this mating thing."

I frowned, and looked up at Darren. I generally agreed with Darren, but right now, I thought he was being a bit unfair toward Kyle. I knew for a fact that the Beta had his own torments and that there was more about him than what meet the eye.

"He claimed he was dirty" I eventually declared.

"What?" Darren replied, with a surprise expression on his face. "Dirty? How so? When did he say that?"

"You know, because of his dream. He looked so ashamed about himself, Darren. Disgusted, even."

Darren kept silent for so long after that, that I eventually turned to see if he hadn't fallen asleep - which seemed very unlikely of him, particularly at a time like this, but you never know.

His eyes were wide open, though, and he looked lost in his thoughts.

"Darren?" I called him tentatively.

"Let's go" he eventually said, getting up before reaching out to me.

"Where to?"

"To see Kyle."

I didn't argue, and instead took the hand he offered. He didn't let go of my hand, as he lead me out of our tent and toward Kyle's. His warmth spread from his hand to my own hand, grounding me.

"He isn't in his tent." I stated the obvious.

"I can see that. Don't worry. We'll find him."

As we were heading outside of the camp, we met Yanis, one of the best warriors of the pack. He had a quick word with Darren, and I could hear the soldier argue that it wasn't safe for us to venture alone in the forest at this time of the night. Darren reassured him, though, telling him that we wouldn't be long and that we only needed to find Kyle.

I understood Yanis's fears, but I hardly shared them. True, we were at war but there were, in fact, very little fights with the ennemy pack. It was mainly geopolitical negotiations over territories, and Darren had told me that the war could be over sooner than expected.

As a general rule, werewolves were getting tired of wars, especially when there were already so many things going wrong in the world, with humans destroying the planet.

"Kyle didn't go very far. I can feel him." Darren suddenly stated.

"I can feel him too. Better if you lead the way, though. You have a better sense of direction than I have." I easily replied.

Darren didn't disagree, and started running, with me hot on his heels. Although he was an Alpha, he wasn't very domineering, especially since he knew I wasn't a Sub and wouldn't take pleasure in being bossed around.

The only times he ever used his natural authority with me was when he thought I wasn't taking my own security seriously. He was a protective mate, that was for sure, and although he rarely lost his temper, he was very intimidating to most because of his physical appearance and his scary aura.

"Here he is" Darren whispered, after hardly ten minutes had passed.

"The cemetery?" I whispered back.

I was already rushing into Kyle's direction, but Darren hold me back, a finger on his lips.

We took careful steps toward the Beta, who didn't seem to notice us approaching him.  He was kneeling on the ground, his palms laying straight on his thighs, his eyes closed.

He looked so small.

Suddenly, he started to talk.