"I have lived alone, I have fought alone, I have dealt with the pain alone. I will die alone" (James Frey, A Million Little Pieces)

KYLE'S POV

"I'm sorry, mum."

Some people might have found it weird, but the cemetery represented a safe place of some sort for Kyle. 

The Deads weren't judgmental like the Livings were. There was a good 80% of chances to be alone in cemeteries, especially those built in the deep ends of the woods. And if someone else was here too, at least they wouldn't bother you. They would leave you be. 

A cemetery wasn't a place for social mundanities, fights, businesses, all sort of things his pairs deemed important, essential even, when they really weren't, not in Kyle's eyes anyway. 

It was a place for grieving, remembering and reflecting. In cemeteries, you could not pretend to forget that you were promised to Death. At the same time, you were reminded that you were still alive, while those resting under the stones were not.

In this regard, cemeteries were reminders of the blessing of being alive.

Well, some days being alive didn't feel like much of a blessing, but Kyle was doing his best to carry on through hard times. 

He might had an unhealthy way to cope, but it was his way of coping. You don't tell survivors how they are suppose to survive. So, until he found a better way, that is how he would keep handling things.

"I know I haven't come here for a long time. My mind has been a mess recently. Something important happened. Something that could change everything." Kyle babbled.

He inhaled deeply, looking around him while his hand was laying on the cold stone. 

He didn't look specifically at the ground, nor did he look at the sky. His mother was not to be found in either of these places. 

She was everywhere. In the wind, in the grass, in the songs of cicadas. That's what she had taught him on her deathbed. 

Don't cry, little one. You will never be truly alone, I promise. You will always be able to talk to me in hard and merry times. I will be there for you.

"I have found I have two mates. You already know them. Despite everything that has happened between us, I think they are great men."

His mother was everywhere and nowhere at the same time, but it was in quiet places like cemeteries that Kyle could hear the best her attentive silence. 

She was listening. She always was. 

She had to be, otherwise he would be truly, utterly alone.

"There's no point pretending I'm happy, though. You know I am not." he whispered.

Therapists claimed that admitting this sort of thing was very liberating. Maybe it was, in the long run. However, whenever he voiced his deepest thoughts, Kyle felt mostly weird.

Knowing you weren't doing so well was one thing. Saying it aloud was another. It made it more real. You couldn't escape the truth any longer.

"My mates are Darren and Nate." he continued. "That's right. Nate, the guy I tried to rape, years ago, and his mate, Darren. My former best friends. You know I wasn't myself at that time. You know the predicament I was in, but it was still so very wrong of me. I can't blame it on my uncle."

Although this cemetery was his safe place, there was something about it that he didn't like. Or, rather, someone. 

His uncle was also burried there, not far from his mother's grave.

Nobody in the pack knew what type of man his uncle really was, so they had believed it was normal to burry him among the fallen werewolves, next to his family.

Kyle had been too young to protest when they had buried him, plus, what objections could he have rosen without unveiling his secret? 

His uncle hadn't died from a natural cause, and some people had always suspected Kyle of murdering him, although they hadn't dared to share their suspicions with the Alpha. 

You need proof to start making accusations, and there wasn't any evidence. Just a general wary feeling about the orphan boy.

So, he had attended the grounding of his dead relative with clenched teeth and a broken heart, finding a little solace in the thought that his mother's soul had already left the coffin, and wouldn't have to bear with the evil man. 

"Mum, do you remember when you told me that finding your mate was one of the most beautiful moment in a werewolf's life?"

He bit his lips to prevent the tears from flowing. He didn't want to cry. Not because he didn't want to show any weaknesses, as there wasn't anybody there to witness the scene anyway.

 He didn't want to cry because he hadn't cried for so long that if he started now, he was afraid he would never stop. 

Crying over his mother's death, his uncle's mistreatments, the rape attempt, his own loneliness, that would be just too much crying.

If he started crying now, maybe he would drown in his tears, and nobody would be there to save him. 

"They don't want me. My mates. I mean, of course, how could it be any different?" he stuttered. 

Well, they never explicitly told him that, but he didn't have much illusions about how they felt about him being added to the equation.

If he had had any tiny hope of building a healthy relationship with them, it had been destroyed the day when he had been told about his sex dream. 

Dirty people with dirty bodies and dirty minds like you shouldn't mingle with others.

Little depraved Submissive. You're lucky I agreed to act as your tutor, Kyle. You're lucky I'm your relative and feel responsible for you. I will help you become invisible, although you don't deserve my help.

People like you should remain on the sidelines. 

You know, everyone in this pack hate your guts.

" I wouldn't want to be mated to someone like myself, either." he carried on, hating that his voice was cracking. Who would have thought that his doomed relationship with his mates would have hurt more than the memories with his uncle?

"They don't want me, when they don't even know my secrets. If they did, then surely they would truly hate me. I am sure they will reject me, sooner or later. As they should."

He sniffled, then straightened up, looking pensively at a small snail that was happily chewing at a leaf. 

It had rained and the soil was wet, so there were actually a lot of them. 

Kyle like them. They were both cute and strong, since they had to carry their houses of the time. Snails didn't lead an easy life.

Enough with the pity party. I cannot just keep telling my mum depressing things. I have to share the good parts with her, too. 

What made me happy recently?

Nothing.

Well, what made me smile?

"I've made a friend. She's like four, but it doesn't matter, right? That's what you would say, I'm sure."

Gosh, he was so pathetic.

"Her name is Miléna. I probably won't see her again, but it was a nice encounter. You would have loved her wit and her kindness."

There were more happy recollections to share. There had to be more. 

"Um, there was this time when I went for a very long run. I was in the middle of the forest at night, truly exhausted, and Darren convinced me to come back to their tent. He even carried me." He laughed weakly, then muttered: "Not very manly of me, I know." Still, it was... I dunno, nice. I felt, uh, safe."

This wasn't good. Maybe it hadn't be a bad time in itself, with Darren being all caring and considerate. However, he was reminded of the rest of night inside their tent and the shame he had felt after having a sex dream in front of his mates. 

Quick, he had to think of something else!

"I also had a real conversation with Alex. Well, he did most of the talking, but it doesn't matter. He's a good guy. Quite perceptive. I think he cares about me, in his own way."

Which reminded him about the suppressants he had asked Alex to fetch. It had been a few days already. Maybe he should mention them to him again tomorrow.

"He knows about... one of my biggest secret. It means that he is the only person who knows in the pack. It scares me, but I believe I can trust him. I someone else was to find out, I would probably be banned from the pack"

Suddenly, he heard a very faint gasp. 

Earlier, he had hear a weird noise, but though it was only an animal, or the wind. 

Now, he was certain someone else was here. 

In alarm, he turned, trying to identify the source of the noise.

"Who are you? Show yourself!"

A figure slowly emerged from the forest, followed by another one. 

He relaxed a bit when he recognized the newcomers. However, his relief was short-lived as worry took over.

How could he have been so distracted, so immerged in his bubble that he hadn't sensed his mates coming his way?

Worse, how much had they actually heard? 

"That's not good" he muttered to himself .

"What's not good?" Nate asked in a gentle word. Fuck - he hadn't meant to say it aloud.

"You heard me talking to my mother?" Kyle asked, sounding a bit more defiant than he had intended.

"Yes" Nate admitted. "Listen, Kyle -" 

The Beta interrupted himself when Kyle took one step back, then two, his shoulders tense and his breath quickening. 

"Kyle, we would like to talk to you" Darren continued.

Of course, they wanted to talk. They had just heard about him keeping important secrets from the pack. They probably had known from the start that something about him was off.

They were going to question him, then they were going to reject him.

That he had known from the start that they had no future together didn't mean it hurt any less. 

You have to be strong in their presence. You can have a mental breakdown later.

"Kyle, wait."

He and Darren were walking his way very slowly, purposefuly keeping their voices low and soft, like one would do with a wild and scared animal.

"Please don't run, Kyle."

Fuck, how came the only people he interracted with could read him so well? First, Alex, then Darren?

"You don't have to talk to us if you don't want to." Darren continued, using the same gentle voice. 

It was good that Darren wasn't using his Alpha voice to force him to stay, because Kyle would have had an hard time to disobey him. Especially since he was a Sub, and Darren was his mate.

Would have Darren suspected anything, then? 

Goddess, he was so tired of everything. Too many secrets, too many lies, too many masks. 

"You don't have to tell us anything, but please, stay with us for a while. We can be silent if you prefer."

He should run. Only bad things would ensure if he stayed.

Or maybe he should stay and face things. Come what may. 

"Kyle?"

So, so tired.