“Oh, dude! What's up?” My teammate Ricky smiled when I came into the hotel room I was sharing with him, Beau right behind me looking at the app I had found for him, telling him the best places to visit in Tokyo, “You didn't come to the team dinner.”

“I was out with my parents and my best friend. They flew from New Zealand to be here,” shrugging, I started gathering up my stuff, “I'm leaving to stay with them in the apartment they rented. Coach knows so you get a room to yourself.”

“Oh hell yeah,” Ricky laughed loudly, leaning around me to look at Beau, “Hey you.”

“Hm?” Beau looked up, smiling, “Oh, hello.”

“I'm Ricky Smith,” he held his hand out and Beau politely shook it. Ricky refused to let go, tracing the back of Beau’s knuckles and I felt a strange feeling in my stomach when Beau turned bright red, “hm.”

I tried my best to ignore the two of them talking as I packed until Ricky's voice broke through my focus when he asked Beau a question.

“We've got some free time soon. You're pretty cute. Can I take you out? Show you around Tokyo?”

I snapped my head over, making eye contact with Beau before looking away. I knew Beau didn't belong to me, I wasn't even sure what the emotion I was feeling meant, but a sigh of relief escaped me when Beau replied.

“Sorry but no. I already have plans with Koa.”

“Well, he's just a friend. I want to take you on a date,” Ricky smiled, mischief in his light brown eyes as he ran a hand down Beau's cheek.

“Don't touch me,” Beau scowled, smacking Ricky's hand away, “I said no.”

Ricky held both hands up as I swung my duffle bag over my shoulder, holding back a laugh, “Dude chill. It was just a question. Koa is weird, why would you even…”

“Huh?” Beau tilted his head, his eyes narrowed in anger as he fixed his glasses, “he's not weird. He's touch-avoidant and struggles with noise. That doesn't make him weird. We've been friends forever and… and I… it doesn't matter. But you're on the same team, you should support each other. I get it, I do jiu-jitsu competitively. I understand team dynamics better than most while at the same time wanting to do better than everyone else. But thinking someone is weird isn't good for team morale. I've been watching your qualifiers for weeks now and I,” Beau poked Ricky in the chest as I came to his side, “know you're jealous that Koa qualified and you didn't. That's all. But he is your friend, he talks highly about you. Sad you can't offer the same kindness. Koa,” Beau smiled up at me and I nodded, “Your parents will get worried if we don't at least check in. You have a meeting first thing in the morning so we should walk to the apartment now. Goodnight Ricky. Nice to meet you. Learn to keep your opinion to yourself though.”

Beau grabbed my duffle bag and pulled it, forcing me to follow him from the hotel room without another word. We passed a few of my teammates and Coach Brenner and by the time we were outside I was overwhelmed, my head pounding. The look on my face must have resonated with Beau as he immediately reached into my jacket pocket and grabbed my headphones.

“Bend down. I'll do my best to not touch your skin,” he held them out and I did as he asked, shivering when the back of his hand rubbed my temple, “Sorry. I really did my best. Put them in noise canceling and I'll guide us back. I know where the apartment is.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, studying his face and Beau smiled brightly as I did as he said, “You're always taking care of me.”

Beau pointed to his mouth and I nodded, “I always will,” he mouthed, making me smile finally.

We walked through Tokyo together, Beau staring at things around us in awe but I watched him as best I could, trying to understand the pain in my chest when Ricky flirted with him earlier. I didn't know what it meant, why it would bother me. Beau was strictly my friend, allowed to go out and date, but the idea of it left the taste of ash in my mouth.

“There you are,” Alexander smiled as we entered the apartment and I gasped quietly, pulling my headphones off.

“Holy shit,” I whispered, looking at the apartment.

I knew it would be nice as it was settled in the middle of downtown and on the top floor but I hadn't been prepared for how truly beautiful the apartment was. Everything was white, from the cabinets to the walls, and recessed lighting bathed everything in a gentle glow. The only pop of color was the couch and this was still gray, facing a large television, windows to the right of the couch to give a fantastic view of the city. The main part of the apartment was open, the kitchen separated from the dining room by a counter that held the stove and dishwasher. I raced down the hallway to find two rooms, one my parents were clearly using as Caelan was lying on a queen-sized bed looking at his phone. The bedding in both rooms matched, gray with white sheets and I thought for a second before realizing this apartment was closer to an upscale hotel. There was only one smaller bathroom across the hall from what would be the other bedrooms. It was cute, the walls around the bathtub were made of small black tiles and there was a soaker tub that took up a majority of the floor space. I opened a closet next to the tub and found linens, and plenty of towels for everyone. The only thing I didn't find was laundry but it didn't bother me as I knew there was a Laundromat nearby if needed.

“Um,” I walked into the living room after dumping my bags in the spare room, Beau still following me along, “there's only one extra bed?”

“Oh! No, I have a futon,” Beau smiled, “it’s in the closet in our room, I'll just pull it out when I go to bed and put it away to give us space. You take the bed, you're too tall to sleep on the futon. Alexi tried lying on it but his feet were hanging off the end,” he laughed softly, making me smile, “you should get cleaned up and get to bed, okay? You're the one who needs to get up in 7 hours.”

“Oh,” I checked my watch, finding that it was 10 and I had to be awake at 5 am to catch the train to a meeting with my team, “right. Thanks, Beau.”

“I'll be quiet coming to bed. Sleep good,” he flopped next to Alexander and they started looking for something to watch, both quietly laughing at some comedy show they found.

I watched them for a few seconds before going over and gently patting Beau on the top of the head. He nearly shot off the couch in surprise, staring at me before I turned and went down the hallway to the bathroom.

After a long shower, my thoughts scrambled, I went into my parents' room and sat on the end of the bed. Caelan poked me gently in the lower back with his foot and I let out a loud sigh.

“Koa? Baby, what's up?” Caelan moved to sit next to me and I gripped my pajama pants.

“I'm so confused, Dad,” I whispered, “can you try to help?”

“Always.”

“Ricky, he's on my team, asked Beau on a date when I was getting my stuff. It really bothered me and I don't know why. Beau can date, we're just friends. I just really don't want him to and I can't figure out why. It made my stomach clench, my chest hurt.”

“Koa,” Caelan laughed softly and I looked at him, “It's been a long time since I've seen you look like a lost child,” he gently touched my arm and I moved away, “over your limit?”

“Sorry. Yeah.”

“It's okay. I know you don't want physical comfort. I'm your dad, it's hard to not want to hold my giant baby. Honey… you like Beau.”

“Well yeah, he's my best friend.”

“No,” he laughed again, “the feeling you can't put the word to? It's jealousy. You didn't like the idea of someone seeing Beau in a romantic light.”

“Is that what it feels like? I hated it. I felt violent.”

“Yeah. Jealousy can do that. Beau isn't your boyfriend but if you have feelings for him, the fact that others could find him cute or want to date him is going to really bother you. We always knew dating would be hard for you. You can barely touch us, let alone someone else. I can see why you wouldn't even notice. Uncle Zeke didn't realize he loved Auntie Belle until we pointed it out to him. You're quite similar in that department. There's nothing wrong with being interested in Beau, Koa. He's eternally patient with you, caters to what you need, and genuinely enjoys being around you. It's no surprise to me you'd have feelings for him and not know it goes past friendship. You look at him the way Alexander looks at me.”

“I touched him twice today,” I whispered, making Caelan gasp, “I've never done that before. Just his hair. Pushed it away from his eyes and I patted his head before my shower. Even that was hard for me. He hugs me from the side but never touches my skin. I can't… see myself being able to hold his hand, kiss him, any of that. Beau deserves someone who can be affectionate. I can't do that. Or if I get to a point where I can, I'm scared I'll be addicted to it and bother him.”

“Beau craves affection. You had to have noticed that. He touches people all the time. Me, your Matua, his mom's. Hell, I've seen him share the couch with Kaia and lay on her arm. If you ever felt comfortable with Beau to the point you could share affection, I don't think your clinging to him will bother him. I can understand bodily fluids being a severe problem though. Kissing and beyond that. But even then, I think Beau wouldn't care. You mean the world to him, Koa. You just haven't noticed it yet.”

“He wants to go to Harajuku with me in a few days,” I chewed my lip, staring at my hands, “would it be weird of me to pretend it's a date?”

“Hm,” Caelan sighed before clicking his tongue, “no. I don't think so actually. In his mind, he'll be going out with his friend and that's what matters. To you, you can properly escort Beau around, and decide if you feel comfortable enough seeing him in the light of a potential partner. You're young, nerves are normal even without your processing disorder. If you want to try holding his hand, ask Beau. That might be the biggest thing for you, Koa. Asking if you can do things. He'll accept if you can't even after asking. Beau cares deeply for you. He won't be upset if you can't touch him even if you want to. Do you… want to?”

“I… wouldn't mind knowing how holding his hand feels. They're really small. I think they're probably pretty soft too. But I'm worried the feeling might be too much.”

“Wear gloves,” Alexander came in and I snapped my head over, “buy some soft gloves, like leather or cotton. You'll get the sensation of Beau's hand in yours without worrying about sweat or anything that could make you panic.”

“Oh,” I whispered before smiling, “why didn't I think of that? Also please tell me you couldn't hear us from the living room.”

“No,” he laughed softly, “I was coming in to go to bed and realized you were talking. Beau is asleep on the couch, I tucked him in there. You really do need to get to bed, okay?”

“Okay. Um… thanks dad. Thanks, Matua. This was important to me.”

“Always,” Caelan smiled, reaching for me before stopping as he knew I was past my limit for the day after my competition earlier, “sleep well. Don't dwell on what we talked about tonight.”

“I'll do my best not to.”

I left the room and slowly headed toward the couch, walking as quietly as I could. Beau was cuddled in a small ball, holding something and I leaned over to find it was an old sweater I had given him when I grew it out of it. He was hugging it tightly to his chest and I swallowed slowly, reaching down and gently touching the back of his hand with the tips of my fingers. I waited for the disgust to hit, the panic but it didn't. Beau's skin was soft and warm, a few larger freckles on his skin and I traced them slowly, my heart racing.

“Goodnight…” I whispered, laying my hand over his and smiling, “I can… touch you. At least a little. Thank God.”